Nick can remember being fourteen and hooking up with BJ's best friend Kerry in the basement. She wasn't really his first, so it wasn't huge for him or anything, until he saw her four years later and she had a newborn baby. Then it became a big deal. It creeped him out to think that someone he'd been inside had given birth to something, made him feel wrong and gross. Brian had laughed at the time, told him that was really stupid because childbirth was, like, one of life's greatest miracles. Nick's seen videos of Aaron's birth and it looked more like one of life's greatest messes.

Fast forward four years to Brian holding out his newborn to 22-year-old Nick, eyes gleaming and looking happier than Nick's probably ever seen him look. Nick takes the baby, and Brian puts his arm around him, whispers into his ear, "Still think they're gross?"

Nick doesn't move away from his touch, pulls the baby closer to himself, and mumbles, "It's not the babies."

Backup to age fifteen and Nick and Brian lying in a too-small hotel bed, Nick curling his legs as far away from Brian as he can. They're almost hanging off the edge. It's stupid, he knows, but he always feels like their legs shouldn't touch, like that would be too gay or something. He's not really sure why, but one time Brian's feet brushed against Nick's legs and it definitely felt too gay.

He's also not sure who it was that made it seem that way. He's been paying attention to that stuff more these days, and for a while he thought it was probably just him, but lately he hasn't been so sure. He carefully moves his legs to a place where they're straight out, directly underneath his body. They bump into Brian's and he's pretty sure Brian's got his too close to him. Nick doesn't flinch, though, doesn't move them away, and neither does Brian. It feels pretty gay.

It feels pretty gay but Nick doesn't stop doing it. He's not sure why, but there it is. And so they're lying in bed, legs touching and maybe intertwining a bit, and Nick looks over at Brian. Brian has his hands behind his head. Nick's hands are folded on his stomach. Brian looks back at him and says, "What're you thinking about?"

Nick shrugs and says, "Nothing. What are you thinking about?"

Brian smiles. "Not much."

And then Nick turns his head and kisses Brian, right on the lips. He's not sure why.

Fast forward four years to Brian smiling at Leighanne, Nick sitting with Howie, watching. Nick nudges Howie, grins, and says, "Look at them. He's, like, so in love with her."

"I bet they're gonna get married," Howie says, smiling.

Nick frowns and doesn't say anything else. Howie looks up at him quickly and says, "Does that, um, make you upset?"

"Not upset," Nick says, shrugging. "It's just weird to think of, you know?"

Howie says, "Yeah," but doesn't look like he really gets it, like maybe he doesn't really believe Nick's over being in love with Brian. Howie's a great guy and he's been Nick's best friend for a while now, since Brian got serious with Leighanne, but sometimes Nick thinks Howie doesn't really get him at all.

It's not like Nick wants to trade Howie for the old Brian, because he doesn't, but sometimes he and Brian will still catch each other's eye and it's different than when he looks at Howie. When Nick looks at Howie all he sees is what a great guy, what a great friend, Howie is. When Nick catches Brian's eye, even now, sometimes he thinks that maybe Brian will never marry Leighanne.

Fast forward a year or so and Brian does.

Before Nick got his first tattoo, his mother told him he better be sure he knew what he wanted because a tattoo is forever. That crosses his mind when Brian throws him a glance in the church. He thinks he'd say that to Brian if Brian was still the guy who couldn't stop touching him even when Lou told them to knock it the fuck off already. Brian's not that guy anymore, even if sometimes he seems like he could be, and Nick's not the kind of guy to pine after something that ended, even if sometimes he seems like he might be.

There isn't a point where he can look back and say, there, that was the ending, just like when he thinks back he realizes that the first time they kissed wasn't really the beginning either, even though it felt like it at the time. It just sort of ended at some indefinite point, he thinks, and it wasn't tragic or anything and it wasn't one-sided. It doesn't make Nick sad thinking about it, just wistful, maybe, kind of like looking at pictures of Aaron from when he was five. He's not sad that Aaron's not five anymore, because Aaron's pretty cool now, it's just that sometimes he misses that kid a little.

When Brian glances at him right before Leighanne comes down the aisle, there's something in his eyes that makes Nick want to cry, but instead he smiles like he couldn't be happier for Brian. In reality he couldn't.

Backup about five years to Nick sitting between Brian's legs backstage, Brian's head buried in Nick's floppy hair. Nick's eyes are barely open, he's so relaxed, and every time he feels Brian's breath on his neck, he breathes out too.

AJ kicks Nick's left foot and says, "Way to get hyped for the show, guys."

Brian lifts his head and smiles at AJ. "We're getting hyped, man."

"Yeah," Nick says and giggles, nudging Brian a bit. "You totally don't wanna know where his hands are!"

They both burst into laughter and AJ groans in disgust. "You better be fucking kidding."

Brian says, "Are we?" and AJ rolls his eyes and runs off.

They're kidding, of course, because Brian wouldn't ever do anything like that backstage. Nick would. He thinks it'd be sort of hot to fuck Brian in a changing room or something, where someone could walk in on them at any time. The closest they've gotten is the bathroom on the bus, which seemed like it'd be really hot, but ended up being pretty gross. Brian's way more of an in-the-bed kind of guy, which mostly suits Nick ok, because he's basically a being-with-Brian kind of guy. He doesn't need to have daring sex to be happy. What he's got is more than enough.

Nick shifts in between Brian's legs to lean back and say I love you. As he leans back, Brian suddenly snakes his hand down Nick's stomach and under his pants. He traces a stripe over the length of Nick's cock. Nick gasps and instead says, "I thought you weren't into the public thing."

"You are," Brian says into Nick's neck.

Fast forward seven years to Nick holding Brian's baby and saying, "It's not the babies."

Brian grins and breathes all over his neck looking at his perfect son. "What is it, then?"

"I don't know," Nick says and he means it. "It just makes me feel weird that we used to...and now you have a kid."

Brian nods, Nick can feel his chin bobbing on his shoulder. "Yeah. It's weird that I have a kid, period, for me too, you know?"

Nick turns his head a little so he can see Brian's face all lit up and says, "It's not that weird," because this Brian isn't Nick's Brian, doesn't even look like him anymore with his new soft glow. This Brian is meant for his wife and his kid.

Nick is a mile away.

Ten minutes later, Nick leaves. Brian runs out and catches up to him in the hallway, reaches out a hand to grab his arm. He doesn't say anything and neither does Nick. Nick thinks that most times now he can barely remember that he and Brian had ever been something, once, but sometimes, like just then, Brian's thumb over the veins in Nick's wrist and his eyes closed, it feels like they never stopped.