Jim awoke to feel a warm arm wrapped around his waist, a leg wrapped around his. To feel slow breaths against the back of his neck. It wasn't a morning after, and yet it was. Blair had stayed with him through the night. Even when he'd woken up at 3 am clutching his partner and fighting back the tears that refused to be stopped.
Blair hadn't once complained about the stresses being placed on their friendship. He'd welcomed the closeness that Jim was finally offering him, even as he regretted the circumstances that had brought it about. They were closer now than if they'd become lovers--both of them knew Jim had enough to deal with without that, yet both of them knew now that that was where they were headed.
Jim shifted his body carefully to avoid waking the sleeping man. Blair was even more beautiful asleep, if that was possible. Jim hadn't really noticed the previous night, but he'd noticed in the past. Last night he'd only registered Blair's calming voice, his soothing touch. Gradually he fell asleep again with his lips resting lightly against Blair's curls.
When he woke for the second time it was to the sound of rain pelting against the windows. He was alone in the bed, and when he listened he found Blair downstairs on the phone. Jim could still feel the lingering traces of heat on the sheets where Blair had lain. Slowly he stretched his body out from under the covers and placed his feet on the floor. His shoulders were hunched over wearily, and he didn't know if he had the strength to get up and go on with this particular day.
He had stopped listening and didn't hear Blair until he'd reached the top of the stairs and softly called out Jim's name. Jim looked up at him, and Blair walked over placing a hand under Jim's elbow and willing him the energy to get up. At Jim's raised eyebrows he answered only, "I've been there, man. Let's get you some breakfast." Jim smiled--Blair certainly had the energy to spare him, even this early in the day.
"What did you make?" Jim didn't really need to ask. He could smell the bacon and eggs from where he was, but sometimes simple, routine conversations were comforting.
"A meal full of so much cholesterol that neither one of us is going to have to eat again for a week," replied Blair with a slight quirk to his smile. He took Jim's hand as they made their way down the stairs, and Jim let him keep it until they sat down at the table. "Eat up. We have a long day ahead of us."
"I know," said Jim quietly. He looked at the meal in front of him and elected to pick up his cup of coffee instead of his fork. He knew his partner expected him to eat, but he needed the caffeine more.
"You know," said Blair, trying to keep his tone casual, "if you want to talk about it, you know I'll listen."
"I know you will, Chief," said Jim, finally taking a small bite of his eggs. "I just don't know what to say. I think I'm still in shock. I haven't really thought about him in so long, and now I can't think of anything else."
"That's perfectly understandable," said Blair.
"I suppose you're right; you'd know better than me. I just keep picturing him lying helpless in a hospital bed..."
"Don't," said Blair. "Picture him the way you remember him. Maybe the way he was when you were together. I'm never going to know him that way, so maybe you can tell me what he was like."
"I don't know. I don't know if I can."
"Try," said Blair, "Please. For me."
Jim's eyes glazed over for a moment as he tried to get past the haze of images that was clouding his mind. Finally he smiled, just a little. "We met in this T&A bar, of all places. A mutual friend introduced us. The first time I saw him there was something in his eyes, something that I just couldn't identify. Something in the way that he looked at me. God, it took us a long time to figure it out." Jim paused for a moment and laughed at himself, "A year's worth of evasions, of double entendres, of covert gazes. It took a couple cases of beer and a long, long evening alone together to finally get everything out in the open."
"What did he look like?" asked Blair when it seemed that Jim was getting lost in the memory. His breakfast was long since finished, but Jim had barely touched his.
"My height, brown hair, big green eyes. Sometimes I'd look at him and think 'this guy is way too innocent for this kind of work'...even though I knew better." He took another small bite of the cooling eggs. "You remind me of him a little, now that I think about it. Not in looks, just in...enthusiasm."
Blair smiled a little. "Eat up, man. We've got to be on the road soon." It occurred to him that Jim was trying to put off the journey as long as possible, but he wouldn't let him. If they lost the chance to see Tom, he knew Jim would regret it forever.
"I'm not really hungry," said Jim, picking up his plate and scraping its contents into the trash. Blair didn't comment. In silence they cleaned up and got ready to leave. Jim went back upstairs and pulled on a pair of jeans and an old comfortable sweater.
"I know we're not finished talking," he said as he grabbed his jacket off the hook. Blair acknowledged the implied promise of continuation with a nod as they left the apartment.
Jim didn't really say much for the first hour of their trip. His hands clenched and unclenched on the steering wheel as Blair fiddled with the radio. Then he hummed under his breath as Blair read some notes. Finally Blair had enough of the uncomfortable silence.
"Penny for your thoughts," he said.
Jim shook his head, "My thoughts right now are worth a lot more than a penny."
Blair gently pulled Jim's right hand off the steering wheel and twined the fingers with his own, "Talk to me, Jim," he said, "What's holding you back?"
"Blair," said Jim, "You've got to know how hard this is for me. Not just because Tom is...sick. You and I, we've never talked about stuff like this before. Not really."
"Well, maybe it's time we did. I've been living with you for over a year now, and some days I feel like I hardly know you at all."
"Is now really the time?"
"Yes," said Blair. "I think that now is the time. You know that as well as I do. You knew that the moment you sat down with me last night."
Jim nodded slowly. "I loved him, you know. I think a little part of me always will. He wasn't my first, he wasn't my last, but he was special."
"Why didn't you ever tell me about him before?"
Jim finally glanced at him, "A lot of reasons, Chief. I really hadn't thought about him in a while. And I've had other relationships in my past. So have you. It's not something we've really talked about much. Beyond the macho talk I mean."
"So it was because he's a guy."
Jim sighed. "Of course that was a big part of it. I didn't know how you'd react. I can't tell you how relieved I was that you were so understanding."
Blair was stuck between being a little bit resentful that Jim hadn't given him enough credit to tell him, and knowing that as a cop Jim had to be careful and was probably used to keeping information like that from everyone. "It didn't matter to me," he said finally. "Still doesn't. No, wait, that's not quite right. It matters, but only because I want to know more about you. Do you see?" He squeezed Jim's hand as though that would emphasize his point.
Jim was silent for a moment, and then he squeezed Blair's hand back. "This feels a little weird, being with you like this."
"Do you want me to stop...?"
"No," said Jim. "It's nice. I think I need it right now."
"Then you've got it. Whatever you need, Jim, you've got it. Okay?"
"It's not much farther now."
"No, it isn't," said Blair, following right along with Jim's change of topic, "Are you ready?"
"No," said Jim.
Blair didn't know what to say to that. He didn't always know the right thing to say, but he tried. Damn it, he was trying, but Jim just kept closing up again. Maybe after he saw Tom. Maybe then he would let go of that rigid self-control. Last night had been the most vulnerable that Blair had ever seen him, and he didn't like to see the wall going up around him again.
"I'm sorry," said Jim.
"Don't be. I know what it's like, remember?"
"So what's it like then. Chief...I don't know what to expect."
"The truth?"
"Yeah," said Jim, heaving a long sigh. "Give it to me straight."
"Expect the worst," he said, "and then some. He'll look like hell, but remember that no matter how bad he looks he's probably feeling worse. If he called you now, it means he really needs you to be there for him right now. Is he...alone?"
"No, his lover is there with him. It's not going to be long now..."
"I know," said Blair.
"Listen," said Jim, "Will you go in with me, to see him?"
"Are you sure you want me to do that?"
"Yeah," said Jim, "I've been thinking about it, and if you're willing I could really use your support in there."
"I told you, man, anything you need, I'm there for you."
"Thanks," was all Jim said. They were entering the edge of the city now, and Jim had to disentangle his hand from Blair's. Before he could though, Blair brought Jim's hand up to his lips and kissed it gently before giving it back.
"It's going to be okay," he said, smiling at Jim. "It's going to be okay."
There was another bout of silence as they drove up to the hospital and went inside, but it wasn't uncomfortable this time. Blair didn't try to touch him again; he was just there.
"Come on, Chief," said Jim in the echoing hallway. "Room 314. Let's get this over with."
"Jim," said Blair, "you're going to see a friend. Don't think of it that way."
"I can't help it," said Jim, "I'm..."
"You're scared," said Blair. "It's okay to say it." But he didn't.
Jim tentatively knocked on the door and opened it, "Tom?" he said. Blair hung back in the hallway for a few moments, not wanting to intrude on the reunion, no matter how subdued it was going to be.
After a couple of minutes he poked his head in the door. "Jim," he said softly. The sentinel was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding the other man's hand between both of his own. Tom was pale and thin, but Blair had seen people in a lot worse shape.
Jim turned his head at the sound and smiled at his partner. "Who's here?" said Tom, looking around his room unseeingly.
"It's my partner, Blair Sandburg," said Jim.
Tom moved his face towards Jim again and the ghost of a smile passes across it, "Partner partner or cop partner?" he asked.
Jim looked at Blair, at a loss for how to answer. "Both," said Blair clearly, walking towards the bed and putting a hand on Jim's shoulder. Jim answered the question in Blair's eyes with a slight nod of his head and a smile. So there it was, that was what they were now.
"It's great to meet you," said Blair, "I've been hearing all about you."
Tom smiled, "Well, Jimmy always was quite the talker."
"Jimmy?" mouthed Blair, with a teasing expression. Jim just rolled his eyes.
It was a good visit, and Blair could tell that Jim was glad they'd made the trip. Tom was a great guy, and Blair could see how Jim could have fallen for him. After about an hour or so, though, he began to feel like a bit of a third wheel.
"Jim, I'm just going to wait outside for a bit. I think you two could use a bit of time alone." He could see the thanks in Jim's eyes. "See ya later, Tom," he said.
"I hope so," said Tom, and there was genuine hope in his expression. Blair reached out and gave both him and Jim a pat on the shoulder before leaving the room.
He paced the hallway between the room and the nurse's station for over a half an hour before Jim came out of the room to meet him. Jim's expression was calm and peaceful. He wasn't smiling, but Blair could still see the contentment in his partner's eyes. He wanted to know what had gone on in the room after he'd left, but he didn't push. Jim would tell him, in his own time.
They left the building and got into the truck, then Jim turned his head to face Blair, "Want to go get something to eat, Chief?"
Blair smiled, "Love to. I'm starving." And so are you, it seems. Well, good.
"I know this great Italian place just a couple of blocks over. Small, quiet. Someplace we can talk."
"That sounds perfect," said Blair. This time it was Jim who reached out, running a hand through Blair's hair and looking into his eyes for one, long moment. Then, with both hands on the wheel, he pulled out of the lot and headed to the restaurant.
"Blair, before you say anything I just wanted to thank you, for everything. I don't know if I could have come without you. And if I hadn't come, there would always have been this part of me that felt...unresolved. So thank you."
"Jim, you know that I would do anything for you, man. You've saved my ass so many times, I think I owe you a few."
"You know that's not what I meant."
"Yeah, I know." Blair held his water glass in both hands and looked into it, as though it would tell him what to say. It was so easy to take care of Jim when he needed him, but now that they seemed to be on equal ground again, Blair was finding it more difficult to talk about what was happening.
"Partners," said Jim simply. "What does that mean exactly?"
Blair coughed, "It means..." His voice drifted off as he tried to think of an adequate answer for such a complex question. "It means that I'm there for you, and you're there for me always. It means that I trust you with my life and with my soul and that we're meant to be together. It means so much to me that I don't even know where to start." He tried to look up at Jim, but couldn't.
Jim put a finger under Blair's chin and lifted his head, forcing him to look. "I know what it means to me now," he said quietly, "It means that I've fallen for you in a big way, and I don't want to live my life without you. And I don't know what to do about it."
Blair was startled, but he didn't pull away, "Why now? Why is this happening now?"
"It's been happening for a long time," replied Jim, "but now, now maybe I realize that love is worth it, no matter what form it comes in. Now maybe I know enough not to be afraid of it."
"You were afraid?"
Jim smiled, "Of course I was afraid. Afraid of what you'd think, of how you'd react. Afraid of what it meant in terms of my identity. Afraid of how it would affect my life. I was afraid when I was with Tom, and that's why I ended it. I don't want to make that mistake again."
"Were you talking to him about this? About us?"
Jim nodded, "He was very...insightful. I'd forgotten a lot of things about him. If only..." Jim's voice drifted off and his hands fell to the table in front of him.
Blair reached out and covered them with his own, "Do it now," he said, "Everything that you've wanted to do or say, do it now before it's too late."
"I did," said Jim quietly, "I told him I was sorry...and I told him that I had loved him."
"It was enough?"
"It was enough," said Jim, "and then he asked about you. I guess he figured that there was a lot more to it than we were telling him."
Blair chuckled, "You know, for two guys who've barely known one another a year, we've certainly racked up a whole lot of history."
"I guess we have at that. You're always getting yourself it trouble, aren't you, Sandburg."
"Hey, hey," said Blair squeezing his hands. "What's with this 'Sandburg' stuff? What happened to 'Blair'?"
"Blair's the guy I live with. Sandburg's the guy I work with. And the guy I work with tends to get into more trouble than the guy I live with. Not always, but more often than not." Jim pulled his hands out from under Blair's and took a sip from his glass of water.
At that moment the waiter came over to take their order, as if he had been waiting for that break in conversation. Perhaps he had, for he gave them both a rather gentle, knowing smile before he left.
"Are we going to be coming back here again?"
"I don't think so," said Jim, "Maybe. I don't know. The things that needed to be said were said. And he does have someone there for him now. He doesn't need me there."
"But maybe he wants you there."
Jim shook his head, "He wanted to see me one last time." At Blair's stricken look, he reached up and touched his face. "It's okay. I'm okay with it." His voice betrayed his surprise at that fact. "I thought it would be so hard, but it was so good to see him. I can go on now. I can go on the way things should have been going a long time ago."
"What do you mean?"
"With you, Blair. I can go on with you and not feel uncomfortable with it. The way I would have felt even a week ago. I mean, if that's what you want."
"It's what I want," confirmed Blair with a smile, "It's what I've always wanted."
The rest of dinner didn't matter. It was nice enough, of course, but neither of them noticed all that much. They both contrived any number of casual touches and caresses, and the salt must have been passed between them at least two dozen times during the course of the meal. Blair didn't think he'd seen Jim smile that much the whole time he'd known him, and Jim didn't think he'd ever seen Blair's attention so focused on one thing, let alone him.
He paid the check quickly and led Blair by the hand out of the restaurant and back to the truck. He looked up at the sky and then back at his watch. Late afternoon.
"You want to go straight home, Jim?" Blair's hand was on the door handle and he was looking at Jim worriedly. Jim smiled. Amazing how just one day could give the word 'home' so very many new connotations. It was their home. Their home.
"No," he said, his answer surprising him. "No, let's go for a drive."
"Sure," said Blair, opening the door and getting in. "Where to?"
Jim shrugged and got in, turning to look at him, "Don't know. I guess we'll see when we get there."
Blair reached over and caressed Jim's arm briefly before he started the truck. "I like that idea," he said, "Spontaneity is so not you."
"So you like it?" Jim pulled the truck out onto the street, and they were on their way again.
Blair nodded, "Yeah, once in a while. Every relationship needs a little bit of that. And it can't all come from me, you know."
"Well, you know, I was kind of hoping..."
Blair chuckled and punched Jim's arm lightly. "I don't think I would want to live without your little anal-retentive quirks anyway."
"My what?"
"You know, your quirks."
"I am not anal retentive."
Blair grinned, "Uh huh," he said, nodding his head indulgently. Jim had to grin too, despite the fact that he was biting his tongue to prevent the words 'neo-hippie' and 'flake' from passing his lips.
The drive took them southeast for a couple of hours, watching the land around them become more rolling then easing them into a mountainous area. Jim stopped the truck at the edge of a small lake somewhere in the middle of nowhere. They were surrounded on all sides by evergreen covered peaks. Blair gasped as he got out and looked around--the view was breathtaking.
"Where are we?" he asked.
"My father used to take me camping here when I was a kid," answered Jim, a little in awe of the place himself. "I can hardly believe it's changed so little since then."
"Jim," said Blair, shutting his door as quietly as he could and coming around to the other side of the car, "what made you come here now?"
"Instinct I guess," he said slowly. "I don't know what else to call it. He took me here after my...my sister died. She was just a baby, Blair, only a few days old." He struggled to keep his voice under control. "We camped out for a week, just the two of us, while my mom stayed with her sister. I guess my gut tells me it's a healing place, and a place to let bonds grow stronger."
Carefully Blair put his arms around Jim from behind and rested his head between Jim's shoulder blades for a moment. "Then we came to the perfect place," he said.
When Blair released him and began wandering to the edge of the lake, Jim looked into the back of the truck and pulled out the sleeping bag he kept in there. "Blair?" he said, walking up to him and putting his free hand on a shoulder. "How do you feel about staying here, just for tonight?"
Blair nodded wordlessly and stared out across the lake. Everything was just so quiet, so far away from the noise of the city and the furious pace of their lives. Jim dropped the sleeping bag to the ground and put his hands on both of Blair's shoulders, looking out in the same direction over the lake and towards the mountains stretching out into the distance.
A few moments later he picked up the sleeping bag again and spread it out on the grass a few feet from the rocky shore. He and Blair stretched out on it and watched the sun sink down over the lake. Jim reached out and took Blair's hand again, caressing it as if he was feeling it for the first time. His fingers explored every crease in his palm, every little nick and scar on his fingertips. He felt the temperature in his body rise and minute amounts of perspiration come through the pores on Blair's skin. "I wanted to thank you again," he said, squeezing Blair's hand tightly.
"You don't need to thank me," said Blair, "I would have done anything for you anyway. You know that, don't you?"
"I do now."
They lay there in silence as the stars came out overhead. Slowly, deliberately, Jim leaned over and pressed his lips against Blair's. The first time it was softly and tentatively. The second one lasted a little longer and Blair's lips yielded to him, parting slightly and letting their wetness join with Jim's. When he pulled away, Blair was smiling contentedly.
"I think I've been waiting forever for that moment," he said softly.
"I think I have too," said Jim, running a hand through his partner's hair and smiling too. "I wish maybe we had gotten here by a different road, but having gotten here now, I can't regret a moment of it."
They didn't say the words, not yet, but the sentiment hung heavily in the air between them, and they both understood it. I love you.