A different kind of post-chute story.  NC-17

Solace
by R’rain


	Chakotay sat on the couch in the ensign’s quarters.  
"Lieutenant Paris came and spoke to me," he said, "He was 
concerned about you."
	"Oh, he was concerned about *me* so he went and talked 
to *you*.  That man.  Sometimes I wonder if he has the 
common sense of a five-year-old child."
	"In this case, I think he showed more than his usual 
sense, Harry.  He knew he couldn’t deal with this on his 
own, just like you can’t deal with it on your own."  He 
paused a moment.  "Do you want to talk about what happened?"
	"Well, not particularly, no," said Harry, "But since I 
get the feeling I don’t have a choice..."
	"You always have a choice, Harry," he said calmly.  The 
ensign was pacing the room anxiously.  Chakotay had never 
seen him this way before--that was one of the first signs 
he’d seen for himself that something was definitely wrong.  
His work on the bridge had remained exemplary, though his 
relationship with Paris had seemed a little strained since 
their return.
	"I didn’t have a choice there, that’s for sure," 
retorted Harry.
	Chakotay didn’t have the luxury of regretting his 
words.  Harry was under such enormous strain--what *had* 
happened?--that he needed to get it out and he needed to get 
it out *now*.  But Chakotay couldn’t force him.  
"Harry...you know that, aboard Voyager, we don’t have an 
official counselor.  I have been serving in this capacity 
for the last year or so, so anything you say to me will be 
in the strictest of confidence."
	Harry shook his head, "I don’t need to talk to a 
counselor, Chakotay, I need to talk to a friend."
	"To be frank, Harry, I think that you’re wrong.  I 
think that if a friend was all you needed then Tom Paris 
would be here in my place."
	Harry stilled and looked him in the eye, "You don’t 
consider yourself my friend?"
	_Shit_  "That’s not what I said, Harry.  I hope that 
you consider me as close a friend as I consider you."  He 
showed Harry a gentle smile, "But what I’m saying is that 
you need to deal with someone in a different way right now.  
You need to talk to someone who can help you deal with this 
and get past it.  I don’t know if I can do that, but I’ve 
done it before and I’m willing to try."
	Harry looked at him for a long moment the took a deep 
breath, "I was there for three and a half days," he began, 
"The arrest, the trial, it was stressful, but nothing like 
when I woke up at the bottom of that chute..."
	"What happened then?"  Chakotay subtly encouraged him.
	"It’s a little fuzzy...I think I was drugged...there 
were people everywhere...fighting over me...I didn’t want to 
think about what they were planning to do with me when they 
won..."  Chakotay shuddered involuntarily.  Luckily, Harry 
didn’t see.  "Then I saw Tom.  It was like...you know those 
old Earth religious images...the ones with that guy 
surrounded in light?  It was like that...like he had come to 
save me.  I guess that’s why it hurt me so much when he hit 
me."
	"He hit you?"
	"Oh, it wasn’t his fault, he had to.  He did it for my 
own good, really.  See, that way, he was able to win me, so 
none of the other guys would get me."
	"So you didn’t have to..."
	Harry looked away and didn’t answer at first.
	"Harry?"  Chakotay coaxed him.  They were just getting 
somewhere.
	"I know he wouldn’t have done it if they hadn’t been 
watching us.  But there was nowhere to hide and they were 
expecting it...if he hadn’t...it would have been a lot worse 
for me."  Harry sounded more like he was trying to convince 
himself than Chakotay.
	Chakotay had to remind himself that he was here in a 
professional capacity, because that *was* what Harry needed 
right now.  But the turn of the narrative had taken him by 
surprise.  Or perhaps saying that it had shocked him would 
be far more accurate.  "...Tom...did that..."
	Harry closed his eyes and nodded, "He faked most of 
it....he never...you know...went inside me.  But 
still...there were things he had to do, to convince them.  
Do you want me to...?"
	Chakotay shook his head, "You don’t have to describe it 
to me, Harry.  I understand what happened.  Is that...is 
that what is concerning you the most?"
	Harry had to shake his head also, "There’s...there’s 
more," he said, "After he got stabbed, Tom, he began to get 
delirious.  He did things, and I know he didn’t mean them, 
but I couldn’t help myself.  We were...we were fighting, and 
I was beating him.  I was beating him *hard* Chakotay.  I 
almost *killed* him.  I never...I never thought I could do 
that to another person!"
	Here it was.  Harry’s voice grew frantic, vehement, and 
tears began to flow freely from his eyes. Poor Harry, no 
wonder he was feeling so horrible.  He was one of the 
nicest, gentlest people that Chakotay had ever known, and he 
had been forced to do *that* to his best friend.  No wonder 
he had seemed somehow different, jaded.  Almost as bitter as 
some of the Maquis after their first raid, or after seeing 
the atrocities of the Cardassians.  Almost like Chakotay 
himself had been a long time ago.
		"Harry,"  said Chakotay, patting the couch next to 
him, "Sit down."  Harry did so, but was having trouble 
facing his commanding officer, "You do understand what the 
effects of that implant were," he said.
	"Yeah, I know," said Harry, "I know that everyone says 
it was the implant’s fault.  Hell, even Tom says so.  But 
that doesn’t change the way I feel about what I did because 
no matter what effect it had on me, it was still me who did 
it."
	_Damn, this is *so* much like the Maquis._  "I don’t 
think it was really you there, Harry.  You weren’t able to 
control what you did, so you can hardly be to blame for it."
	"I could’ve stopped if I’d tried," he protested.
	"I’ll get documentation from the Doctor if I have to," 
said Chakotay, "to prove what I’m saying.  And think about 
it, you *didn’t* kill him."
	"If I could stop myself then, I could’ve stopped myself 
before it began," said Harry.  From the way he said it, 
Chakotay felt he had been using it as a sort of mantra since 
their return.
	"Wrong," said Chakotay with a conviction that he 
couldn’t yet back up with facts.  He only knew that he knew 
Harry Kim, and he knew that in his right mind he could *not* 
have done that.  "Your fight with him, it was an immediate 
reaction to a stimulus.  It was done before you thought, 
before you could process any information.  Once you did 
think, once you got yourself under control, you stopped 
immediately.  It was the best you could do and more than 
almost anyone else could have."
	"You mean I really *couldn’t* have stopped myself?"  he 
said in a small voice.
	"That’s right," said Chakotay.  "Harry, you say Tom has 
forgiven you.  I think it’s time you forgave yourself."
	"It’s not that easy."
	"No, I agree, it’s not.  But it’s something to think 
about."  He tentatively reached out for Harry’s shoulder.  
He didn’t flinch as Chakotay had been afraid he would.  "Now 
I think that the counselor has to become the Commander  and 
go process some tactical reports.  But the friend, the 
friend is willing to come back any time you need him."
	Harry managed a smile, "Can the friend come back later 
this evening?" he asked, "If I bribe him with dinner?"
	Chakotay smiled back, "I think that can be arranged."
	"I’ve been alone since we got back...I think I could 
use the company.  And maybe another talk."
	"I’ll be here," promised Chakotay, "1900 hours."
	"Thank you," said Harry, "Thank you."
	Chakotay regretted that he could not have spent more 
time with him, but he had little enough time during working 
hours, and he had really only gone to assess the situation.  
If he thought it had still been serious, he could have 
stayed longer.  Dinner.  He hadn’t been expecting that, but 
it was a nice touch.
<><><>
	In his quarters, at 1845, Chakotay thought about what 
he was bringing with him.  Harry might refuse, but it was 
really all he could offer in confidence to help the man.  He 
held his medicine bundle in his hands, considering the pros 
and cons.  Finally, he placed it back in the drawer.  
Tonight they would talk.  There would always be another 
time.
	"Janeway to Chakotay."
	_Dammit, Captain, you sure have timing_  "Chakotay 
here"
	"Commander, have you finished those tactical 
evaluations I asked for"
	"Yes, captain.  I’m just on my way out, do you want me 
to summarize them for you?"  He sat down at his desk so he 
could see her face to face.
	"I would appreciate that, Commander.  Looks like I have 
another long night ahead of me."
	"Permission to speak freely, Captain."
	She looked a bit startled at his request, but nodded.
	"What the hell were you thinking rushing down the chute 
like that ahead of the security team?"
	She grinned at him a bit sheepishly, "I’ve already been 
dressed down by my security officer for that one, Commander.  
I don’t think I’ll be doing it again."
	"Good," he said, "We need you as Captain a lot more."
	"Anything else?"
	"Everything else looks like it’s in order, the mission 
was a success."	
	"Very well," she said, "and off the record, Commander, 
just what are you rushing off to do this early in the 
evening?"
	Chakotay smiled enigmatically, "Wouldn’t you like to 
know."
	She sighed and smiled back, "Janeway out."  Chakotay 
turned off the viewscreen and left his quarters.
	At 1858, he hit the signal just outside Harry’s door.  
He was admitted immediately.  "Commander," said Harry 
solemnly.
	"I told you, Harry, that this time I’m here as a 
friend, " Chakotay rebuked him with an easy smile.  Harry 
suddenly remembered all of those days that he had watched 
for hours on end, just hoping for that smile.  He hadn’t 
thought about that in a while, though the First Officer 
still was never far from his thoughts.
	"Sorry, Chakotay, please come in and get comfortable.  
Make yourself comfortable.  I mean," Harry was a bit 
flustered.  Once Chakotay had gone earlier, Harry had sat 
down and thought about all that was said.  The things that 
he thought he would never be able to say to anyone, let 
alone him.  Now he didn’t know what to say or how to behave.  
What did Chakotay think of him now?  What had changed?
	"Thanks, I will," he said, sitting down, not on the 
couch where he had been earlier but on the chair nearby, "So 
what’s for dinner?"
	"You’ll see," said Harry mysteriously.
	"I hope you didn’t go all out for me," said Chakotay.
	"Aren’t you supposed to go all out on a first date?"  
said Harry from the other side of the room, then froze.  _Oh 
shit I can’t believe I just said that I can’t believe I just 
thought that oh my god what is he going to think now what is 
he going to do now oh shit I just blew it I just blew it 
completely_
	Chakotay too froze at the words. _Did I just hear that?  
Did he mean it?_  And then, a completely different and far 
more intimidating thought, _Do *I* want it?_
	_Okay_ thought Harry, _Let’s just pretend that never 
happened and see what happens_  "Okay, everything’s ready," 
he said.  Chakotay got up and walked over to the table, 
sniffing the air as he went.
	"Harry, you *did* go all out!" he exclaimed, staring at 
the fettucine alfredo, the caesar salad, the garlic bread 
and the wine, "How could you possibly have the credits for 
this?"
	"The Captain doubled me and Tom’s credits for the days 
we were imprisoned," he said, he expression darkening for a 
moment, "After we gorged ourselves, I decided to save the 
rest for a special occasion."  _Oh great, Harry.  Just keep 
digging._
	"Is this a special occasion?" asked Chakotay, sounding 
innocent.  _*Is* this a special occasion?  What does all 
this mean?_
	"It’s the day I start my life again," said Harry, "They 
day I start trying to live with who I am now."  There was 
little conversation after that--they were both eating 
heartily, and they were both thinking, though they would 
have been surprised to know that they were thinking very 
similar thoughts.
	Chakotay wouldn’t let himself look very long at Harry.  
_Gods, has it really been two years?  Two years of Kazon, of 
Vidiians?  Two years of dashed hopes?  Two years living 
together every moment of our lives?  Two years..._  and now 
he looked up at the man sitting across from him, _...for a 
naive young ensign to become significantly more_
	He stood up when they were finished eating, "Let me 
clean this up for you," he insisted.
	"Leave it," said Harry, "All we have to do is throw it 
in the reclamator whenever.  I don’t mind having it sit 
there for a while."
	"If it’s so easy to do, then I might as well do it 
now," he said, and before Harry could protest he cleaned up 
the remains of their meal, "There.  Now we can relax."
	"Chakotay," he said hesitantly, "I do need to talk 
still."
	"That’s what I’m here for," said Chakotay gently, 
sitting down on the couch so Harry could join him.  This 
time, he did.
	"I thought about what you said before," said Harry 
quietly, "and I know that you’re right.  I know that I have 
to go on and I can’t function if I keep blaming myself, 
but..."
	"I know what it’s like," he said, patting Harry’s knee.  
He intended it as a fatherly gesture, but as his hand rested 
there, he realized that neither one of them was going to 
take it that way.  "I spent some time in a Cardassian prison 
a few years ago.  I suppose the experience was...somewhat 
similar."
	Harry looked at him, but seeing the look in Chakotay’s 
eyes he decided not to pursue the topic.  Everyone had to 
deal with their demons in their own time.  "I didn’t know 
that," he said simply.
	"No one does," he said.
	"I can still picture it a lot of the time," said Harry 
finally, "I can still see their faces in my dreams, leering 
over me.  I can still see one of them slitting another’s 
throat.  I can still see it all if I try."
	"Why are you trying?"
	"I’m not, not really.  But it comes into my head and I 
don’t know what triggers it.  And I just follow it, I don’t 
know why,"  he put his hand over Chakotay’s and squeezed it, 
"It happened once when I was on the bridge and it scared me, 
I was afraid that I couldn’t perform my duties."
	"But you did," clarified Chakotay.
	"I did," said Harry, "That was on the first day back, 
it hasn’t happened since.  It happens when I’m alone mostly.  
And I’m alone a lot of the time right now."
	"You don’t have to be."  _What am I saying?_
	"I don’t want to be."  _Where is this going?_
	Their hands were still clasped together on Harry’s 
knee, and neither one of them made any attempt to remove 
them.  Harry cleared his throat. _This is it this is my one 
chance if I don’t try now I never will_  "I have to tell 
you...that is...I invited you here because..."  _Damn, why 
won’t it come?_
	"Harry," began Chakotay, but he too didn’t know quite 
what to say.  _What’s happening here?  Why is my heart 
racing?  Why is his hand trembling?_
	Harry took a deep breath.  "When I met you two years 
ago, I had a serious crush on you."
	Chakotay smirked, "I know."
	"You knew?"  he said incredulously.
	"Yeah," admitted Chakotay, "But I knew it would never 
work."
	"You...don’t think it would work?"
	"I didn’t think it would work...then."  _Oh shit. Point 
of no return coming up fast._
	Harry looked at him intensely, "What about now?"
	Chakotay’s breath was ragged, his mind blank. _Gods, 
why didn’t I ever see how beautiful he is?_  Harry 
hesitantly leaned toward him and kissed the corner of his 
mouth.  When he leaned back again his eyes were shining.  
"What about now?" he whispered.
	Chakotay couldn’t answer.  _He’s too young he’s too 
damn young but gods I *want* this how could I have never 
realized how much I want this?_  Harry kissed him again, 
this time squarely on the lips and then he was kissing back.  
Harry’s lips parted then his lips parted and before he knew 
it their tongues were entwined and he never ever wanted it 
to end.
	"‘Kotay," said Harry breathlessly, pressing a finger to 
Chakotay’s lips in wonder.
	"What are we doing?" he responded quietly.
	"Kissing," said Harry with a smile and then they were 
doing it again.  His hands roamed Chakotay’s back, exploring 
the other body for the fist time, feeling along his spine, 
along his shoulderblades, then wisping his fingers around to 
his collarbones before putting one on either side of 
Chakotay’s face.  "Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted 
to do this?"
	"Would two years be a good guess?"  
	Harry smiled and nodded shyly.  "You know what?  It was 
worth the wait."  Chakotay was staring at those brown eyes, 
so intent on his own.  The way they shone, the emotion he 
could read into them.  This was so fast, he needed time to 
think.  And so did Harry--he had been under a lot of stress, 
he couldn’t know what he was doing.  But this wasn’t sudden 
for Harry, he had wanted him for a long time.  No, it was 
his own feelings that he needed to deal with.  _I need to 
think I need to breathe I need to get out of here_
	"Harry," he said, "Can you...can you wait a little 
longer?  I...I have to go.  I’m sorry."  _Shit, I was here 
to help you and look what happens._
	Harry looked at him a little sadly, but not dejectedly, 
"It’s okay.  I understand.  Will I...will I get a chance to 
talk to you again?"
	Chakotay smiled, he couldn’t not.  "Yes."  And 
impulsively he gave Harry a quick kiss before he left.  
_Well that clinches it.  Hard to go back now._
<><><>
	Chakotay had a great deal of trouble concentrating on 
his duties the next day.  He thought he had hidden it well, 
until Janeway called him into her ready room.  Harry had 
given him a rather anxious look, but had given no other 
indications that anything out of the ordinary had happened 
the night before.
	"Commander," she said, "have a seat." He did so and 
looked to her to see how things were going to proceed.  
"We’re almost stocked on supplies and ready to leave orbit.  
Tuvok tells me the Aquiterians gave off pursuit over 25 
hours ago and show no signs of returning.  They never 
detected us."
	"Well, that’s certainly good news," he said neutrally.
	"And since we’re no longer in a crisis situation, 
Commander..."
	_Here it comes._
	"I’d like to speak to you about a more personal 
matter."  Chakotay waited for her to take the lead.  "You 
appear to be...distracted...today.  I something the matter?"
	"No," he lied, "I’m just under a bit of stress.  It’s 
nothing."
	She wasn’t about to let him get away with that, "Does 
this distraction have anything to do with what you were 
rushing off to do last night?"
	Chakotay sighed, "Would it matter if it did?"
	"Chakotay, you’re my first officer.  I need you to be 
able to function to the best of your abilities at all times.  
You performance today has been frankly abyssmal, and I 
believe I have the right to know why."  She crossed her arms 
in front of her chest, and Chakotay knew he was not leaving 
there until she got some answers.
	"Captain," he began, "Last night I may have begun 
a...relationship...with another crew member.  But given my 
position and their position...I have my reservations about 
it."
	She nodded thoughtfully, not really surprised, "Do you 
have reservations about the person, or just the working 
relationship?"
	"Um, both, in a way.  I know that I have feelings for 
the...person.  But...is that enough?"
	"That’s something you’re going to have to decide for 
yourself," she told him, "But I do have a word of advice for 
you--either begin this relationship, or end it right here, 
because leaving yourself in the middle like this is not 
going to do anyone any good.  Understood?"
	Chakotay nodded, "Yes, Captain."
	"Now get back out there and finish your shift.  And 
when you report for duty tomorrow, I expect this to be 
resolved one way or the other." He nodded again.  
"Dismissed." Janeway sighed once he was gone.  She hated to 
be so rigid on such a personal matter, but she felt certain 
that Chakotay understood that her opinions as Captain were 
not necessarily the same as her feelings as Kathryn.  She 
wondered if she might get a little more information out of 
him once they were off duty---but they were both on duty 
right now so she sat down to get back to work.
<><><>
	Harry reached out and stroked Chakotay’s arm one the 
door to his quarters was security sealed.  "Harry," said 
Chakotay, "What happened yesterday was...unintentional..."  
Harry pulled his arm away, "But," he went on, "not unwanted.  
I just feel like I...like I took advantage of you."
	Harry laughed, "Chakotay, if *any*one was taken 
advantage of, it was you.  I’ve had those feeling now for a 
long time...last night you were being so nice to me.  I 
guess I took advantage of you."
	They looked at one another in silence for a long 
moment.  Finally Chakotay spoke, "We’re being ridiculous, 
aren’t we."
	Harry nodded and smiled, "Why are we doing that?"
	Chakotay shrugged, "I never expected to *be* with you.  
Not like that.  It’s...it’s amazing."  He had to laugh with 
joy, "You’re amazing."
	Harry pulled him closer and kissed him firmly, "Let’s 
not make any excuses not to do this, huh?  I don’t want to 
hear any more excuses."
	"And I don’t want to make any," said Chakotay, running 
his hand through the younger man’s lush hair, "But tell me, 
are you sure?  Are you sure you want this?  Because I don’t 
do things half-way."
	"I’m more sure about this than I have been about 
anything.  You’re so much..."
	"And together we’re so much more...but are you sure 
you’re ready, so soon after...?"
	Harry laughed and kissed him again, "You’re making 
excuses.  Stop that."
	"Just tell me you’re sure you’re ready, and I’ll shut 
up."
	"I’m ready!  Chakotay, I’ve thought this over so many 
times in my head over the past two years how could I *not* 
be ready?  If you’re worried about what happened...in the 
prison...I don’t know what to tell you.  But I know that if 
I let that stop me from doing what I really want to 
do...then they win.  Then I’m worse off than I would have 
been otherwise."
	Chakotay took him into his arms and held him close, 
"You feel so good," he murmured, "I don’t know how we 
waited."
	"Or why."
	"Oh," he said with a bit of amusement, "I know why."
	"Why then?"
	"You were so very young," he said, "I was afraid of 
what people would think...what *you* would think.  When you 
came back, bruised and bloody and wild, I realized suddenly 
you weren’t so very young any more.  And last night you did 
a good job of confirming that."
	"You were right to wait," confessed Harry, "though if 
you decide to wait any longer I’ll be forced to molest you 
in your sleep."
	"Can’t have that," said Chakotay, "I guess I’ll have to 
*invite* you to stay then."  And he didn’t wait for an 
answer before kissing him again.  Their lips melted together 
and threatened never to part.  Chakotay was amazed how 
easily Harry’s shirt fell off his shoulders--was that 
intentional?--and he let his fingers glide along the back of 
Harry’s neck tracing his shoulderblades then running along 
his sides to his hips where he unfastened the loose-fitting 
pants and let them fall to the floor.  Harry stepped out of 
them and busied his hands on the multiple clasps of 
Chakotay’s tunic--was *that* intentional?--pulling it off 
and dropping it onto the growing pile of clothing.  The 
pants were less of a challenge, and he let them fall to the 
floor much as his own had.  Without the barriers of clothing 
between them, they let skin touch skin in every possible 
way.  All without ceasing the kiss.
	"You’re burning," whispered Chakotay, feeling Harry’s 
fiery skin.
	"So are you," Harry’s evidence were the flames that 
danced in Chakotay’s eyes when he looked at him.
	It was not clear who pulled who, but their bodies moved 
closer and closer to the bed, bathed in red light.  The 
room, like them, was on fire.  Chakotay pulled him down on 
top of him, lying crosswise on the bed, then touched his 
face gently as though to prove to himself that it was real.  
That he was really in bed with Harry Kim, touching him, 
loving him.  Together they were precious, golden skin on 
copper, moving slowly and learning the contours of the other 
by touch rather than sight.
	The first time that Harry touched 
him...there...Chakotay shuddered and closed his eyes.  Not 
that he had been seeing anything but stars.  It was beyond 
the physical, beyond the emotional.   It was a spiritual 
contact--he’d never shared that before, with anyone.  Waves 
of passion flowed through his body, passion that he longed 
to share with his newfound lover.  His hands found what they 
sought easily enough, the body against him the mirror image 
of his own.  They moved with lightening-fast motions, 
synchronous, strong.  And when they cried out for the first 
time, it was together.
	"I love you, ‘Kotay," breathed Harry into his ear as 
they lay together, panting, touching.
	_I love you too_ but he couldn’t say those words.  Not 
yet.  Not so soon.  Instead he held the younger man in his 
arms and stroked his hair.  And when the ensign began to cry 
he held him even closer and kissed away the tears with 
gentle lips.
	"Make love to me," whispered Harry, "make love to me so 
we can both forget."  Slowly Chakotay nodded, his hair 
grazing Harry’s shoulder, and raised himself up to look at 
the other man.
	"But I have to look at you, I have to see into your 
eyes when I do this.  Have you ever...?"
	Harry shook his head, but he knew what he was doing, he 
knew what he was getting into.  He pulled Chakotay down on 
top of him this time.  Chakotay pressed his hands beneath 
the ensign’s hips feeling the smooth hard flesh of his 
lover’s body, pressing their bodies together, already 
aroused.  Their lips met again and again, forming a new 
language that told them when and where and forever.  He 
touched Harry in ways that he had never touched another man 
before, exploring, readying.  And when they could bear it no 
more, he entered him, slowly, trying not to cause him pain.  
When he was inside they moved together as one being, making 
love, loving.  Their bodies rubbed together, a layer of 
perspiration allowing them to glide together faster and 
faster.  And again they cried out, one then the other.
	Chakotay held him against his body for a long while, 
not wanting the moment to end.  But end it had to, and when 
it did they sat up against the back of the bed, Chakotay 
behind with his arms around Harry’s waist from behind.  They 
stared up at the many stars through the large window.  They 
were still in orbit, and tomorrow the view would be reduced 
to white streaks passing by, but tonight it was perfect.
	"There is a thing I would like to say to you," said 
Chakotay in his lover’s ear, "There is a legend among my 
people...that when two hearts meet in the purest of love 
they join and form the stars in the sky.  You see that star 
right there?"  He pointed into the sky, "The brightest one 
in the sky.  That’s our star."  _I love you_
	Harry smiled.  "I love you too."
	And there they slept, nothing remaining between them, 
under the blanket of stars.

-end-