...unless you want me to have Mr. Sandburg get it out for you. Of all the things that had happened, of all the life-threatening circumstances they had found themselves in over the couple of days, that was what was sticking in Jim Ellison's head. That was the only thing that didn't have a 'finished' feel to it, now that all the bad guys were locked away. It unnerved him that he was more worried about the secret of his feelings for Blair getting out than the secret of his Sentinel abilities. I can't hide what I feel for you anymore, and it scares me half to death.
"Jim? You okay?"
Jim tried to shake off the concerns echoing in his head. "I'm fine," he said, sitting at the dining room table and resting his head on his hands.
"You're thinking about the inquiry."
Jim shook his head. "I have an old buddy who's gonna fudge a little paperwork and smooth that over. The last thing I need is the army trying to figure out how I got us onto the compound." He pushed the remains of his dinner to the side. "How was your date?" Don't say good. Don't say you're seeing her again.
Blair squirmed a little uncomfortably. "It wasn't a date, Jim."
"Then what was it?"
"It was just...a couple of people winding down after a stressful situation."
"And you couldn't have done that with me?"
Blair paused before answering, pushing his own plate away. "No, I couldn't have," he said finally.
"I see."
"No, I don't think you do," pushed Blair. "I couldn't have hung out with you because you were part of the stress." He ignored the flash of hurt that crossed Jim's face and forged on. "I'm getting all these mixed signals from you, man. One minute all you seem to want to do is touch me and the next you're acting like I don't belong there by your side. And you won't talk about it. I just needed a break."
"I see." Blair didn't spin off into another tirade, he just sat there looking defeated. Jim eyed him as he tried to find the words for what he wanted to say. They didn't come any easier now than they ever had. "It's not that I won't talk about it..."
He watched Blair change before his eyes, going from serious and morose to animated and indifferent. "Hey, don't sweat it. I just needed to know where you stood, you know? And now that I do, well, I can, you know, get on with it." He tried to get up, but Jim's hand stopped him.
"How about now?"
"Now?"
"Yeah, now."
Blair settled back into his seat. "Now's good," he said, with a note of surprise in his voice.
Jim's impulsive suggestion had left him, again, without the words that he needed. The only thing he knew was that he couldn't let Blair think that he wasn't wanted. "You know," he said, laughing unexpectedly. "We've got to stop doing this in the aftermath of a crisis..."
"Not gonna happen, man," interrupted Blair. "First of all, you're a cop. And second of all, that's the only time you seem to say anything about it. It happened, Jim. You kissed me and we liked it and ever since them you've been shying away from it. You say we're together but you don't show it. I've tried to be patient, to let you deal with this, but I have to have a life, man."
"Yeah, I've seen your life."
"I'm not going to be celibate waiting for you to make up your mind. If another Christine comes along and wants to have a good time, or another Sonya wants to see Cascade with me...why should I say no?" Blair sighed. "Look, I'm gonna lay it on the line here, Jim. I think we're good together. More than that, I think we could be great together. Look at how well we get along, living here together. It's you I want to be with."
Talk about laying it on the line. "I like having you here, Chief," he began.
"Why do I hear a 'but' in your voice?"
"No 'buts'. I like having you here. Period. I'm just not good at this stuff...at saying 'this is what we are'. At saying 'no one else'."
"You don't want to commit to me," Blair said, nodding.
"Want has nothing to do with it! I just...don't know if I can. Is that a fair enough answer for you?"
"It's not an answer, Jim. It's a start. You told me that we're together. Did you mean it?"
Jim hesitated. "Yeah. Yeah, I meant it." He reached out his hand across the table and, with a tentative smile, Blair laced his fingers with Jim's. "There's just a lot of other stuff to think about."
Blair nodded. "You think Brackett knew, don't you."
"Well, don't you?"
Blair chuckled. "I wasn't in much of a state to think about it, man. And so what if he did?"
"Well...that's just it. If he noticed, if he knew, then who's to say someone else won't? That someone else won't take advantage of the fact, even?"
"No one," said Blair. "No one can say that and no one can know, man, and that's just the way it is. So what now?"
I love you, thought Jim, wishing the words could be said so he could use them to reassure them both. Standing up, he leaned across the table and kissed Blair square on the lips. "So now I try. That's all I can offer you."
Blair felt a somewhat silly grin spreading across his face. "You mean it?"
"I mean it, Chief. I know it's taken me a while to get us here, but lets give it a go, for real. All right? But no pushing." Because it's not like I have a choice anymore. Because I need to have something with you. Because going to fast could ruin everything.
"Right, right, slow and easy. I can live with that."
"Well, all right," said Jim. "All right."