DISCLAIMER:  Jim Ellison and Blair Sandburg along with the Sentinel 
concept are the property of Pet Fly Productions and UPN. No 
copyright infringement intended. 
 
 
Phoenix
by R'rain 
 
 
"Hey, um, is this Jim Ellison's residence?"  The man in the doorway 
was lean and tall, with thick, black hair flowing to his shoulders.  
He stood stiffly, looking uncomfortable with the fact that Jim 
himself hadn't answered his knock. 
	 
"Yes, but he's not here right now..."  Blair paused, waiting for the 
guy to give some clue as to his identity.  None came. 
	 
"You live here?"  His neck craned a little as he tried to catch a 
glimpse of the apartment over Blair's head and through the half-open 
door. 
	 
"Yeah, yeah I do."  Blair backed away and held the door open wider.  
He heard the man's heels hit the floor and saw a guilty flush creep 
across his face.  "If you want to come in, he shouldn't be long."  
	 
He cleared he throat and stepped inside, his eyes looking anywhere 
but at Blair's face.  "Thanks, I will.  It's, uh,  been quite a trip 
out here."  Taking off his coat and scarf, he hung them casually on 
a hook by the door, as though more comfortable with the apartment 
than the man in it. 
	 
"Oh?  Where did you come in from?" Blair sighed, resigning himself 
to living with the mystery for a least a few more minutes, then shut 
the door.  After a moment of hesitation, he grabbed a couple of mugs 
from the cupboard, interpreting the man's brief shiver as a need for 
some hot beverage.  
	 
"Tacoma.  I drove.  Is that coffee?"  
	 
"Just made it a few minutes ago."  He placed the full cup on the 
table, right in front of where the man had taken a seat, and set the 
cream and sugar next to it.  "You must have left pretty early this 
morning.  Are you in Cascade on business?" 
	 
"Actually, I just came to see Jim," he said, holding his coffee cup 
idly without taking a sip.  There was an awkward silence between 
them for a moment, punctuated only by Blair's sips of his drink.  
Finally the man raised his head and addressed Jim's roommate 
directly.  "Have the two of you been together long?"  
	 
"I moved in here over a year ago," he answered candidly, "after my 
apartment blew up.  Long story, don't ask."  He didn't notice the 
surprised look on the other man's face at that revelation as he 
added a bit of cream to his coffee. 
	 
"Really?  I never thought I'd see the day when Jim was in a long-
term relationship."  
	 
Blair stopped stirring.  "I'm sorry?"  
	 
"He had quite the reputation for 'love 'em and leave 'em' back in 
Tacoma."  
	 
"Oh, man," said Blair rapidly, leaning back in his chair and holding 
up his hands.  "You've totally got the wrong idea here.  I mean, Jim 
and I aren't...you know...together."  
	 
"You aren't?  I thought..."  He backtracked quickly.  "You did know 
about Jim, didn't you?  'Cause if you didn't I have *such* an 
apology to make."  
	 
"Oh, oh yeah, sure,"  Blair waved a hand dismissively and stared 
into his coffee cup, avoiding the prying eyes that could have easily 
detected his lie.  
	 
He breathed a sigh of relief.  "Good, good.  For a second there I 
thought I might have just blown the whistle or something."  He 
finally began on his coffee, downing half of it in one gulp.  
	 
"Nah, don't give it another thought."  Blair toyed with the spoon in 
his own mug pensively.  "So that must make you...?"  
	 
"Oh, I'm sorry."  The man offered his hand.  "Andrew... Murdoch."  
	 
Blair looked up and smiled at him politely.  "Blair Sandburg," he 
said.  "Nice to meet you.  You know, Jim really did say he was going 
to be back right away."  He looked at the door impatiently.  "He was 
just grabbing us some breakfast."  
	 
"Ahhh," said Andrew as though he thought it entailed something more 
than just running down to the corner bakery for muffins.  
	 
Jim was nothing if not punctual, and chose that moment to re-enter 
the loft, tossing his jacket on the hook and lining his shoes up at 
the door before even looking at his roommate. "They were out of 
carrot, Chief, so I got you raison bra--Andy?"   He stopped dead as 
he noticed for the first time there was someone other than his guide 
in the loft. 
	 
Andrew spread his arms out in a grand gesture.  "In the flesh, man."  
	 
Jim shifted first towards his guest, then back towards his partner.  
"Oh, uh, Blair, this is Andrew, he's, uh..."  
	 
"An old friend?" offered Blair, raising an eyebrow.  "We were just 
talking about you."  
	 
The change in Andrew was remarkable.  Around Blair he had been 
awkward and withdrawn; now with Jim he was almost another man.  "You 
never told me you had such a gorgeous roommate," he said, throwing 
Blair a wink.  "If you had, I think I would have come to visit 
sooner."  
	 
"Yeah, well, you know how these things go," temporized Jim.  "So 
tell me what you're doing in town?  No one gets up at six am and 
drives for two hours just for a surprise visit...."  He shot Blair a 
look that his roommate interpreted as saying 'we'll talk later' and 
leaned back against the kitchen counter.  
	 
"No, I guess they don't," he admitted, his expression becoming a bit 
more solemn.  He looked around the loft for a moment.   "Do you, um, 
have anywhere private we can talk?"  
	 
Jim shook his head.  "I don't have any secrets from Blair," he 
added, tacking a silent 'anymore' on the end of it with his 
expression.  "What's going on?"  
	 
Andrew took another long gulp of his coffee.  "Do you remember Derek 
Jansen?"  
	 
Jim grinned and shook his head as though remembering something 
fondly.  "Yeah, of course I do.  What's he up to these days?"  
	 
Andrew swallowed and closed his eyes, gripping his mug tightly.  
'Jim..." he began, opening them again and looking at his friend 
sadly.  "I'm sorry...but Derek died last Friday..."  
	 
"He did?"  Jim's back stiffened and his face was suddenly devoid of 
all expression.  "Was it...?"  He didn't voice the word, but his 
distress was apparent.  Blair could read it in his eyes. 
	 
Andrew nodded.  "The funeral's this afternoon.  I thought you'd want 
to know."  
	 
"Thanks." Jim's knuckles whitened as he gripped the countertop, but 
he showed no other outward reaction.  "You didn't want to just 
call?"  
	 
"I, uh, thought you were alone here.  That you might want someone to 
go with...if you wanted to go that is."  Andrew's eyes met his 
questioningly. 
	 
Jim nodded slowly, hypnotically.  "I do," he said finally.  "I 
should be there.  He was a good guy."  
	 
"Need someone to go with?"  Andrew's question was for Jim, but his 
eyes were on Blair.  
	 
"I...I don't know."  He, too, turned his gaze toward his guide.  
"Blair, you want to sit this one out?  I know you didn't know 
him..."  
	 
Blair couldn't tell if Jim really wanted him along or not, but took 
a guess from the way Jim's eyes held his almost desperately that he 
wouldn't be unwelcome.  "It's okay, Jim.  I'd like to go."  
//Whether you'll admit it or not, you need me to.//  "Maybe you can 
tell me about him, on the way..."  
	 
Andrew paused a moment before interrupting that contact.  "I'm 
really sorry I had to tell you this," he said awkwardly.  "I'm just 
gonna..."  He gestured toward the hallway, and the washroom.  "Long 
trip and all.  You two just...do what you need to do."  
	 
Jim nodded absently and didn't even watch as he passed by.  
"Blair...there's just too much to say.  I don't know where to 
start."  
	 
"I'm in no hurry." 
	 
Clearly, neither was Jim.  "Andrew is an old lover," he said after a 
long pause, the words coming out of his mouth awkwardly. "You know, 
it's been a long time since I've been able to say that."  
	 
Blair nodded.  "I guessed as much."  
	 
"And Derek," he went on.  "Derek was a good friend.  It's hard to 
believe he's really gone, Blair."  
	 
Seeing the way Jim's body tightened even further, Blair made his 
decision and was at his partner's side in an instant, putting his 
arms around him and willing Jim to relax into his embrace.  "I 
know," he said simply.  
	 
"Thanks for coming with me."  The lack of expression in Jim's voice 
said more than tears ever could. 
	 
"You're my best friend," he replied simply, hoping that was 
explanation enough because there weren't any words to express what 
he felt they were to one another.  Jim's body felt strange--large 
and hard--in his arms, and he realized he'd never held his partner 
this way before.  Blair pulled away and held him at arm's length.  
"You gonna be okay?" 
	 
Jim just nodded, his throat clogged with tears that would never be 
shed. Sitting down at the table, he took their breakfast out of the 
bag and pulled himself together as he ate it.  "We should probably 
plan on spending most of the evening there.  We're gonna see a lot 
of people...that I knew...you know?" 
	 
"Yeah, Jim, I know.  That's cool."  Blair picked at his own food, 
wondering how much of the story he was going to get out of his 
partner today, and how much was going to come out in bits and spurts 
for a long while to come.  Jim didn't seem to have anything else to 
offer at the moment. 
	 
Andrew returned from the bathroom and looked the two of them over 
speculatively.  "I should, uh, probably head off shortly.  I...I 
have to set things up.  You know." 
	 
Jim nodded without looking at him.  "Sit down a minute," he offered.  
"You've been on the road for a while.  Have some breakfast." 
	 
"Thanks," he said, but didn't reach for anything.  "Jim...I'll see 
you there.  I still live in the same place; we can meet at the 
house.  All right?" 
	 
"All right," agreed Jim and didn't attempt to keep him any longer.  
"It'll be nice to talk again." 
	 
"Yeah, it will," he agreed, with a warm smile.  "Blair, it was nice 
meeting you.  I just wish it had been under different 
circumstances."  He gave them both another smile, the same sort of 
smile he'd been wearing when he arrived.  "I'll see you later." 
	 
Jim stood up to see him to the door, giving him a brief hug on the 
way out.  When he closed the door, he turned back to Blair.  "We'll 
probably want to go when we finish breakfast," he said 
pragmatically, sitting down to finish his meal. 
	 
Blair nodded, picking absently at his muffin and not looking at his 
partner.  Out of the corner of his eye he noticed him hesitating, 
almost doing something to attract Blair's attention, but in the end 
he just turned back to his breakfast and picked at it in silence. 
	 
"Do you want to talk about this?" asked Jim finally as he brushed 
the last of the crumbs off his hands and onto the table. 
	 
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"  Blair's voice was even, but he 
couldn't hide the concern in it. 
	 
"All right, then," he replied softly.  "Yeah, I guess I do.  Or at 
least...I want to try." 
	 
Blair nodded again, trying to find the words for what he wanted to 
ask.  There was so much to know, and no way to start the 
conversation.  At least, not now.  "We should go," he said 
unexpectedly.  "We have a bit of a drive ahead of us.  Looks like 
we'll have something to do to pass the time, huh." 
	 
Jim agreed silently and Blair watched him steal off to his bedroom.  
He waited in place, looking up at the loft, for a long while before 
going into his own room to find something appropriate to wear.  He 
had a pair of black jeans he thought would be all right, and a 
tasteful blue shirt.  He thought about putting on a tie, but decided 
in the end that something so uncomfortable could hardly be expected. 
	 
Jim's pants were black, too, fitting the solemnity of the day, and 
his shirt a soft red that Blair had never seen before.  As he came 
down the stairs and made his way to his friend's side, Blair 
couldn't help but reach out and feel the fabric of it.  "Are you 
ready to go?" he asked as he pulled his hand away. 
	 
"As ready as I'll ever be." 
	 
"Do you want me to drive?" offered Blair, not really expecting Jim 
to take him up on it. 
	 
As predicted, the cop shook his head.  "I think I need to be doing 
something," he answered.  As if to prove that simple statement of 
honesty, his fingers twisted around one another restlessly.  "Let's 
go."  He held his arm out, inviting Blair to go ahead, then locked 
the door behind them. 
 
 
~~@~~ 
 
 
They were past city limits before Jim nervously cleared his throat 
and tried to steal a look at his partner, who had been equally 
silent since they'd left the loft.  "I don't know how well any of 
this is going to come out right now," he began awkwardly. 
	 
"It doesn't matter," replied Blair comfortingly.  "Just go ahead and 
say whatever you want to say."  He knew as well as Jim did that it 
wouldn't be that easy, just as it hadn't been easy for the last two 
years.  Still, given long enough, the walls would begin to crumble. 
	 
Jim rubbed the palm of his hand anxiously on his thigh before 
continuing, his deep breath audible.  "Okay, I'm bi," he said, his 
exhalation equally loud.   "Gay, mostly," he added, umprompted. 
"There, that wasn't so bad."  He looked to Blair for his reaction 
and was stunned to find him holding back a chuckle.  "What?" 
	 
"I'd, uh, kinda figured that part out, Jim," he said with a grin 
that was contagious. 
	 
"Come on, Chief, you don't know how hard that is to say." 
	 
Blair's expression sobered a little.  "Actually, Jim, I do." 
	 
The words hung between them, unremarked, for a long while. 
	 
"Back home in Tacoma," Jim went on finally, "life was just a lot 
different than it is now.  I was different.  It was...a long time 
ago now.  Or at least it feels that way." 
	 
"How did you get to know Derek?" prompted Blair, not wanting to 
cause his friend any more pain but hoping that asking would help him 
get it out in the open. 
	 
"Derek," repeated Jim, his voice fading a little.  "He was a friend 
of a friend.  A friend of a lover," he corrected himself. "We met at 
a party...he was always a fun guy to be around.  No matter how down 
you were feeling, he was always the guy to bring you back up.  Him 
and Terry--it felt like they'd been together forever.  I wonder if 
Terry's...?  Andy didn't say anything." 
	 
"No, he didn't," murmured Blair.  He reached out a bit tentatively 
and clutched Jim's trembling hand, holding it firmly in his own.  
When Jim glanced at him in surprise, Blair just smiled at him 
encouragingly and stroked Jim's thumb gently with his own.  "Go on." 
	 
"I've just lost so many people lately," he said, his mind cataloging 
the past year or two.  "I guess we both have."  His effort to 
include Blair in his grief did not go unnoticed.  "Sometimes it 
just...all hits you at once." 
	 
"Yeah, I know what you mean, man," offered Blair.  "It's tough." 
	 
"I don't really want to talk about that," said Jim, effectively 
closing off the line of discussion even though the pain of his loss 
still lined his face. 
	 
"Why don't you tell me about Andy, then." 
	 
"Andy?  Why?" 
	 
"How about because I want to know about him?" said Blair.  "He was a 
part of your life, and you hardly ever talk about stuff like that." 
	 
"There's not much to talk about.  We used to go out, and now we 
don't. End of story."  His eyes were trained on the highway 
stretching out in front of him. 
	 
"You're the one who wanted to talk about this," Blair reminded him 
softly. 
	 
Jim sighed.  "I know.  It's just...  We were together for a very 
short time.  Friends for a lot longer, though, which it turns out 
was a lot better for us.  I don't know what else to say about it." 
	 
"Did you love him?" 
	 
Jim glanced at him curiously.  "Yeah, I guess I did, in a way.  But 
whatever there was between us was over a long time ago." 
	 
"Hey, man, you don't need to convince me of anything.  I 
mean...whatever you want is cool with me, man.  I just want you to 
be happy." 
	 
"Are you going to burst into the 'some of my best friends are' 
speech now?" 
	 
Blair shook his head.  "Of course not, man.  You know me better than 
that.  I just wanted you to know that, you know?  That it's cool 
with me.  I know you were worrying." 
	 
"I wasn't worrying." 
	 
Blair just hmmmd and didn't reply, and for the next while the only 
sound was that of the wheels turning on the highway.  They stole 
glances across the cab of the truck and both knew the other was 
doing it, but neither said a word. 
	 
He thought more than once about bringing up the subject again, 
encouraging Jim to talk about it, but each time he told himself to 
wait.  Just...wait.  It wasn't just Derek's death, it was a whole 
chunk of life that Jim had held back for so long that had prompted 
this reticence.  He was barely ready to think about it, and there 
wasn't anything Blair could do to change that.  Not now. 
	 
Finally they drew close to the city, and even Blair could see the 
way Jim was tensing the closer they got to his old home.  "Are you 
gonna be all right, man?" 
	 
"I'm going to be fine," said Jim.  "I just have to, you know, deal 
with this.  My way." 
	 
"Sure," said Blair.  "Whatever you need, man.  I'm here for you." 
	 
Jim nodded.  "I know." 
	 
"How far is it to Andy's place from here?" 
	 
"About fifteen minutes," he said distantly.  "It's not far." 
	 
Blair nodded again and sat back to just observe.  Jim wanted to 
talk--he could see it in the way he held himself, in the way he kept 
taking a deep breath as though to start in on something and then 
just letting it out again.  He wanted to talk but something was 
keeping him from doing it, and Blair wasn't going to push when he 
knew that the time wasn't right. 
 
 
~~@~~ 
 
 
"Oh, you're here!"  Andy opened the door wider to let the two men 
in, stepping aside.  "That didn't take long.  Don't cops have to 
follow the speed limit?" 
	 
"Not if no one's watching," quipped Blair wryly as they stepped into 
the house.  It was a large, modern split-level place with a full 
yard out back--all it was missing was the white picket fence.  "I 
wasn't expecting this," said Blair under his breath. 
	 
Jim leaned in to his partner's ear and spoke softly.  "What did you 
think it would be?  Some stark bachelor pad?" 
	 
"Knowing you...yeah," admitted Blair. 
	 
"Things change," said Jim, his eyes roaming all over the home.  
"This place has changed.  Didn't used to be as well decorated, not 
so much stuff.  Homey stuff." 
	 
"Sit down, we have time to spare," interrupted Andy unintentionally 
as he led them into the den.  "Everything is just about ready for 
later on so we can relax a little."  He raised an eyebrow at his ex-
lover.  "Yes, Jim, that means you." 
	 
Blair smiled and tugged on his partner's sleeve to get him to sit 
down on the sofa offered to him.  "Take a load off, man.  It's been 
a long drive." He slipped his hand onto Jim's thigh when he saw the 
other man shaking a little as he sat, and didn't lift it even after 
the startled look Jim gave him. 
	 
There were a few other people in the house, all murmuring quietly in 
their various conversation and a couple still putting things in 
place.  A man just slightly taller than Blair with short, blond hair 
came up to Andy and slipped an arm around his waist, whispering 
something in his ear.  Andy nodded a little and answered the 
question, then turned back to his two most recent guests. 
	 
"This is Chris," he said, indicating the man at his side and giving 
no further title.  It wasn't necessary; it was clear the two men 
were lovers, and living here together from the way Chris seemed to 
be taking care of the preparations. 
	 
Jim nodded and Blair smiled, but neither man said much.  Chris 
murmured something else to Andy then moved back into the kitchen 
again.  "This is a really nice place you have," mused Blair 
conversationally, rubbing Jim's thigh a little as though to tell him 
that everything was all right. 
	 
Andy looked around.  "Yeah, I've had it a few years now.  It'll be a 
great place for a family."  He looked around the room himself, 
nodded a little in approval. 
	 
"Are you planning on starting one?" 
	 
"Well, Chris and I, we've talked about it.  No firm plans yet." 
	 
"You've certainly got the space." 
	 
"What are we doing?" growled Jim, shoving Blair's hand off him and 
glaring at each of the men in turn. 
	 
Both of them stared at him in surprise. 
	 
"What are we *doing*?  This is a *funeral* for God's sake."  He got 
up from his seat and stormed out of the room, slamming the front 
door.  He had the truck started almost before Blair could even get 
up. 
	 
Shit," said Andy.  "You going to go after him?" 
 
Blair hadn't sensed his partner tensing up at all, let alone to the 
point where he would take off so abruptly.  It was becoming clearer 
and clearer that Jim's reaction to being here went much further than 
simply being uncomfortable.  He shook his head.  "No, he'll be 
back," he replied after a moment.  "Hopefully he doesn't trash the 
truck before he does." 
	 
"He, uh...he hadn't seen Derek in so long...I didn't think it would 
hit 
him like this." 
	 
"I think it hit him like this *because* he hadn't seen Derek in so 
long," responded Blair thoughtfully.  Andy looked at him 
questioningly but the anthropologist just shook his head.  "Don't 
ask me to explain...it's just something about Jim..." 
	 
"I guess I don't know him as well as I thought I did..." 
	 
"It's not that," argued Blair.  "It's him.  He's just...he's been 
through a lot in the last couple of years.  He'll be back here 
soon." 
	 
Andy nodded.  "He always does come back.  No matter how long it 
takes." 
	 
"Why does it sound like there's a story behind that?" 
	 
"Mmm, remind me to tell you someday," he replied evasively, watching 
the street through the picture window as though expecting Jim to 
return at any moment.  "I mean, if we ever run into one another 
again." 
	 
"I expect we will," said Blair with some certainty in his voice.  
"Now that Jim's come back...well, I don't think he's going to feel 
that need to stay away again."  He raised an eyebrow and waited for 
Andy to challenge that. 
	 
"I hope you're right," he said, "but forgive me if I don't hold my 
breath." 
	 
Blair nodded in satisfaction.  "Why?" 
	 
"Why?"  Andy shrugged.  "Because that's just the Jim I know.  He 
never..."  His voice trailed off. 
	 
"It's okay to talk to me," said Blair.  "Unless you think it's the 
wrong time?" 
	 
"Don't get me wrong...Jim's a great guy, but...  I guess you should 
know.  Jim's never been able to deal with being gay, not completely.  
Sure he had no problem *being* with guys, but committing to them?  
He couldn't do it.  Couldn't let himself believe that he could fall 
in love with a guy." 
	 
"Yeah?"  Blair looked at him curiously.  "Something tells me I might 
not know Jim as well as I thought I did either.  All I can say 
is...Jim's given me more stability in my life than I ever expected.  
He's a great friend." 
	 
"Great friend, yes," agreed Andy.  "Great lover?  Only if you think 
sex is the epitome of a relationship."  He paused.  "I'm sorry, this 
is probably really inappropriate.  I'm notorious for speaking my 
mind at the worst possible time." 
	 
Blair smiled.  "You're in good company, then." 
 
 
Jim returned to the house about fifteen minutes later, looking a bit 
worse for wear.  Throwing caution to the wind, Blair embraced his 
partner the moment he stepped through the door.  He stood stiffly 
for a moment, then relaxed into Blair's arms and held him tightly. 
"Thanks," he whispered almost imperceptibly before releasing him. 
	 
"Anytime, man," Blair whispered back.  "You wanna talk about it?" 
	 
"Later," he evaded, looking around the room.  While everyone 
pretended to look elsewhere, it was pretty clear their attention was 
on him.  "Sorry for 
taking off on you like that.  I just needed to clear my head." 
	 
"Yeah, I hear you," said Blair, accepting.  "We need to be going to 
the church soon. You ready?" 
	 
"As I'll ever be."  He waited around for a moment, peering at people 
as if trying to recognize them, looking pensive.  Blair wondered how 
much had changed since Jim had last been a part of this life.  He'd 
cut himself 
off so completely for so long that everything could be different 
now. 
	 
Blair took Jim's arm casually and they followed their hosts out of 
the house.  "I'll still be here when you're ready for anything 
else," he said as they got into the truck.  Jim looked at him 
curiously, but didn't respond. 
	 
In silence, again, they pulled the truck out into traffic and Jim 
seemed to accept--no, welcome--Blair's calm presence with him. 
 
 
~~@~~ 
 
 
The church was full of flowers upon flowers upon flowers, in all 
different colors, shapes and sizes.  They lined the walkways, the 
pews, the altars and the walls. 
	 
"It's beautiful," murmured Blair. 
	 
"Derek would have hated it," said Jim but he was smiling, just a 
bit.  "He hated flowers, hated the outdoors even.  We always used to 
tease him that at his funeral we'd fill the place, because he 
wouldn't be there to stop us anymore."  It wasn't quite a choke on 
his last word, just a slight hitch that told Blair he wouldn't be 
hearing any more about it.  Not yet. 
	 
"Yeah, well the flowers aren't for him," said Blair quietly.  
"They're for you.  All of you."  They sat on the hard, wooden bench 
they were led to and waited, squirming uncomfortably every so often 
as people continued to file into the building.  Derek had been well 
known within his circles, and clearly well loved. 
	 
Before the service was half-over, Blair could feel Jim trembling 
again, hard as he was trying to hide it.  Their thighs were pressed 
up tightly together and he thought nothing of slipping his hand 
comfortably onto Jim's thigh again.  If his presence soothed the 
other man, then he was more than willing to give as much of it as he 
could.  A few minutes later, without preface or explanation, Jim's 
hand slid on top of his and stayed there for the duration. 
	 
"Derek was never a religious man," said Jim as they stood and 
awaited an opportunity to step out of the church.  Blair didn't know 
if it was an apology for the short service, or an opening that he 
was expected to pounce upon.  He simply nodded, secure in the 
knowledge that, whether he pounced or not, Jim was going to talk 
when he was ready, and only then.  It was a patience he didn't even 
pretend to claim most of the time, but there was this nagging 
feeling in him that this time, he just had to let everything go and 
let nature take its course. 
	 
"I feel bad," said Jim as they strolled across the packed snow in 
front of the church.  They walked in silence, and Blair began to 
think that Jim had no intention of elaborating, but then he went on.  
"I feel bad...because I don't think that I'm thinking about Derek." 
	 
Blair nodded, unsurprised.  "Then what *are* you thinking about?" 
	 
"I don't know," he said, shaking his head.  A moment later they 
reached the truck Jim and didn't feel the need to fill the silences 
any more. 
	 
Blair reached out and laid a hand on his arm, looking questioningly 
into his eyes.  "We don't have to go back yet.  Not if you don't 
want to." 
	 
"But I do," said Jim.  "I need to go back.  I've come all this way, 
and everyone I knew here will be there.  Everyone who's still 
around, anyway." 
	 
"That's why I'm asking, Jim.  Are you ready for that?" 
	 
"Why wouldn't I be?"  The quiet, thoughtful look that he had been 
wearing for nearly an hour now was gone, replaced by the Jim that 
Blair saw so often, repressed and flip and not looking any further 
into himself than the surface of his skin.  "You don't need to worry 
about me so much, Chief. 
	 
"Jim...man...you don't have to do this now..."  Jim's good cheer was 
almost painful to watch, knowing what lurked beneath it. 
	 
"Yes, actually I do," he said without offering any other explanation 
as he walked away from Blair's grasp and flung the truck door open 
with twice the force necessary.  "I do have to do this now or I'm 
never gonna make it out of this town myself." 
	 
"Maybe," said Blair softly, "you didn't *enter* this town 
'yourself'." 
	 
Jim pretended not to hear. 
 
 
~~@~~ 
 
 
The room didn't look somber with its bright lighting and pale 
colors, and it didn't feel somber with many of the people laughing 
and reminiscing but Jim, Jim was somber.  He stood there in the 
corner with a drink in his hand and watched everyone with an 
unreadable expression on his face, his whole body tight.  Blair got 
himself a sandwich and made his way back to Jim's side. 
	 
"You okay?" 
	 
He shrugged and took a sip of his drink without answering. 
	 
"You sick of me asking that?" 
	 
Jim smiled almost fondly and shook his head. 
	 
"You okay with me being here?" 
	 
Jim turned to him, surprised.  "Of course.  I'm glad you came with 
me, Chief."  He reached out hesitantly and squeezed his partner's 
shoulder, 
then pulled back into himself again. 
	 
"So you know a lot of these people, then?"  Blair steered the 
conversation back to relatively neutral territory, but didn't want 
to entirely leave the subject behind. 
	 
"Most," replied Jim candidly, to Blair's surprise. 
	 
"Then, um...why aren't you talking to anyone?"  Jim winced a little, 
though the comment was not meant to hurt him.  "I mean, not that you 
have to or anything, Jim.  I was just wondering." 
	 
"I don't know what to say."  Jim took another sip of his drink, thus 
preventing himself from having to say anything more on the subject. 
	 
Blair nodded and polished off his sandwich.  "All right," he said 
finally.  "That's cool."  He planted himself in the spot next to Jim 
and smiled a little as the other man reached out almost 
unconsciously to touch him again. 
	 
After a moment, Jim went on.  "It's been at least a few years," he 
said, looking blankly at the opposite wall over the heads of all the 
people.  "My life has changed so much..." 
	 
"Everyone's life changes, Jim.  What, you think all these people are 
doing the exact same thing they were a few years ago?  Thinking the 
same thoughts?  Feeling the same feelings?  Just because you left, 
man, doesn't mean time stopped." 
	 
Jim shook his head and looked down.  "You don't think I know that?" 
	 
Blair shrugged non-committally and leaned back against the 
windowsill. 
	 
"Jim?  Jim Ellison?" 
	 
Jim brought his head up and smiled when he saw who was standing in 
front of him.  "Mark. My God, it's been a long time."  The two men 
wrapped their arms around one another and held on tightly for a 
moment before backing away.  "How are you?" 
	 
"Me, I'm doing all right.  Decided to start that private practice 
after all and it's working out well for me.  What about you?  Still 
living in Cascade?" 
	 
"Me?  Uh, yeah.  I got transferred to Major Crime a few years back, 
been there ever since."  He paused and noted Mark raising an eyebrow 
in Blair's direction.  "This is my roommate, Blair Sandburg." 
	 
Mark smiled and shook Blair's hand, then turned back to Jim for a 
moment.  "Roommates, Jim? Aren't we all past that now?" 
	 
Jim looked stricken for a moment.  "He lives in my spare room, 
Mark," he got out finally.  "We aren't..." 
	 
"Oh!"  Mark looked back at Blair.  "I'm sorry...I just assumed..." 
	 
"No harm done, man," he replied with a smile, looking first a Mark 
then 
leveling a long gaze at Jim.  "I'm not bothered by the assumption." 
	 
"It's good you came," said Mark, laying a hand on Jim's shoulder.  
"Have you spoken to Terry yet?" 
	 
"Terry?  I haven't seen him since we left the church."  Jim paused.  
"How's he doing?" 
	 
Mark sighed.  "As well as could be expected I suppose.  He's stayed 
pretty healthy, which is good, but this whole ordeal is putting a 
lot of stress on him.  He's around here, somewhere..."  He paused to 
look around, but didn't find what he was looking for. 
	 
"I'll find him later," interrupted Jim.  Mark looked a bit startled, 
and turned to Blair as though Jim's partner would have all the 
answers.  All Blair could do was shrug apologetically. 
	 
"Well...later tonight a bunch of us are getting together.  Just to 
talk, you know?  You're welcome to come. Both of you."  Mark gave 
them a half-hearted cheers with his plastic cup and began wandering 
away. 
	 
Blair waited until he was out of earshot to confront Jim.  "What was 
that all about?  You just, like, cut your friend off there." 
	 
"I know," said Jim.  "I'll apologize to him later." 
	 
"Jim...I know this is tough on you, but it's tough on them, too..." 
	 
He sighed.  "I know that," he said. 
	 
"You don't have to think about anyone else," said Blair, "and I'd 
understand if you didn't."  He didn't add a 'but' on the end of it.  
He didn't need to. 
	 
Jim never did answer, but gave the room a quick once over, then with 
a deep breath that spoke of determination, he went over to a man 
near the edge of the kitchen and tapped him on the shoulder. 
	 
"Lee?" 
	 
The dark-haired man turned at the sound of Jim's voice.  "No way!" 
he said, looking into Jim's face incredulously.  "Jimmy?" 
	 
"In the flesh," he said, holding out his hand.  Lee took it 
enthusiastically, then pulled Jim into an embrace, locking his other 
arm around his back and holding him there for a moment.  "Hey, not 
so tight, you're going to crush something." 
	 
"Brave words from a man who just walked back onto the face of the 
planet.  Where did *you* run off to?  And don't *tell* me you joined 
up with the army again..." 
	 
"Cascade," he said with a somewhat relieved smile.  "I'm a cop 
there." 
	 
"A cop?  Guess that shouldn't surprise me.  You were always so 
butch."  He grinned to show he was teasing, then pulled Jim into 
another hug.  "I can't believe you're actually here.  How did you 
find out?" 
	 
"I...Andy and I have kept in touch, a bit.  He knew where to find 
me...thought I might like to know." 
	 
"And did you?" 
	 
"Did I what?" 
	 
"Did you want to know?" 
	 
Jim actually had to think about that.  "I did," he said.  "Derek was 
a great guy.  And it's, it's good to be back here.  Even if I'm not 
staying." 
	 
"Mmm," he said, "and speaking of things to go back to, who might 
this be?" 
	 
Jim looked at his partner and hesitated before answering.  "This is 
Blair," he said simply.  He didn't explain, and neither did his 
partner. 
	 
Lee grinned knowingly "How long?" 
	 
Blair stepped in to answer that one before Jim started another 
fumbling explanation.  "Jim's a good friend," he said.  "I've been 
staying at his place for almost two years now.  It was supposed to 
be a temporary thing, but...things seemed to work out pretty well."  
His partner looked a bit stunned by the fact Blair hadn't gone out 
of his way to deny any involvement, so he reached out and took Jim's 
hand reassuringly.  He knew what they were, and none of the rest of 
it mattered. 
	 
"Two years?  And Jimmy-boy's still able to keep up with you?  Sure 
beats his old record by a mile. What was it, Jimmy?  Five weeks?" 
	 
"Six," mumbled Jim, giving Blair an embarrassed look.  "It was six 
weeks. Not counting my marriage." 
	 
Lee almost spit his drink out.  "Marriage?!" 
	 
Blair had to laugh at the look on his face.  "For, what, a year and 
a half, was it?" he said, raising an eyebrow in Jim's direction.  
"It was before we met." 
	 
"Well, if this is what you left her for, I think you made the right 
decision, Jimmy."  He grinned at Blair and ignored the mock dirty 
look that Jim had thrown him. 
	 
"I think you've got the wrong idea here," protested Jim, retreating 
back into himself a little bit. 
	 
"Hey, let the man believe what he wants to believe," admonished 
Blair, wrapping an arm around Jim's waist and holding him close.  
"If he wants to think that my charms were just too irresistible for 
you, then who am I to argue?" 
	 
Jim stared at him blankly as Lee looked on, amused.  "Have you seen 
Mark?" 
	 
"Mark?" he said, snapping back into the conversation.  "Yeah, we 
spoke earlier." 
	 
"Do you think you're going to be there tonight?" 
	 
Jim shrugged.  "I don't know," he said.  "It's a bit of a drive back 
to Cascade, and I want to make it back some time tonight." 
	 
"A lot of people would be happy to see you..." 
	 
Jim nodded.  "I'd like to see everyone again, too.  We'll see."  
Turning away for a moment, he poured himself a glass of punch and 
took his time about drinking it.  Blair touched him hesitantly on 
the shoulder.  "Yeah?" 
	 
"I'd like to go." 
	 
"You would?" he said, looking almost perplexed.  "Why?  You won't 
know anyone there." 
	 
"Yeah, but you will.  And maybe I *want* to." 
	 
"I just don't know if I can.  Isn't that a good enough answer for 
you?" 
	 
"Well, no," said Blair honestly.  "You're only gonna get one shot at 
this, Jim, and this is it.  Are you going to make the choice to turn 
around and go home and leave it all behind again, or are you going 
to go, and see your friends again, and maybe let a little bit of 
happiness and honesty back into your life?" 
	 
Jim shook his head.  "Blair...you don't know what you're talking 
about. It's just not as easy as that." 
	 
"I don't understand? Then explain it to me, man.  Tell me just what 
part of this I don't understand." 
	 
"Blair..." 
	 
"No, don't 'Blair' me.  Just...is it going to be impossible for you 
to even acknowledge this life anymore?  If so just tell me now, an 
I'll never say another word." 
	 
"I'm here, aren't I?" he said quietly.  "Isn't that a start?" 
	 
"Yeah," said Blair, "yeah, it's a start.  But you've gotta decide 
which way you're going, man.  In or out." 
	 
"It's not something I can decide in a few hours." 
	 
"That's too bad."  Blair's voice was disappointed, but he left his 
arms around Jim's waist and showed no signs of letting go.  "I know 
how you must be feeling right now..." 
	 
"Do you?" 
	 
"Yeah, I do.  But now is when things are happening, man.  Now. I'm 
so sorry for your loss, Jim, and I'm sure just from the number of 
people here that Derek was a great guy, but...you have a second 
chance here.  You don't have to go back to being a lonely cop so 
deep in your closet that you need a map to find your way out." 
	 
Jim stood quietly, stiffly, his eyes unfocused as he started at the 
opposite wall.  "Let's go outside for a while," he said finally.  
"I'm getting a headache here..." 
	 
Blair's concern was unmistakable, but he didn't say anything as they 
walked out into the backyard where the crowd was much thinner.  
While Jim could hear the rest of the conversations, if he wanted to, 
they were far enough away to be alone.  "Talk to me, Jim, and don't 
just tell me you don't feel like it or it isn't the time.  If now's 
not the time...I don't know what is." 
	 
"This life," began Jim hesitantly.  "Before this morning, it was all 
dead to me..." 
	 
"Jim, before this morning, I think *you* were dead to you," said 
Blair softly, reaching up to touch Jim's face.  "All this stuff that 
was so much a part of you, shoved away like some dirty secret.  How 
could you live like that?" 
	 
"Pretty well, actually," said Jim, closing his eyes momentarily as 
Blair's fingers traced up his cheekbone and back down again.  "I was 
far enough away that I could just...forget." 
	 
"And now?" 
	 
"And now I can't," said Jim.  "It's that simple." 
	 
Blair shook his head.  "What's wrong with coming back, Jim?  Why do 
these lives have to be such separate things?" 
	 
"They do," said Jim.  "They did.  Now...now that you know, it's all 
different. I know this would all have been easier if I'd said 
something...and I just don't know how you feel about everything, 
Blair..." 
	 
"Don't know how I feel?" questioned Blair, his fingers trailing down 
Jim's jaw and shifting his chin so that Jim was looking right into 
his eyes.  "How blind *are* you?"  Leaning forward he pressed his 
lips against Jim's for a moment.  When his partner didn't respond, 
he pulled away. 
	 
Jim eyes were still on him, wide and wary.  "Blair?  What are you 
saying?" 
	 
"I'm not saying anything, Jim.  I'm kissing you."  Leaning forward 
again, he touched his lips to the corner of Jim's mouth gently.  "Is 
that such a bad thing?" 
	 
"No, I...no."  Jim caught Blair's free hand and twined their 
fingers.  "I won't ask for an explanation because I can't deal with 
one right now.  Just be with me, Blair?" 
	 
"I was with you all along, man. Didn't you notice?"  He gave Jim a 
mock pout, which quickly morphed into a lopsided grin. "We don't 
need to talk about us right now," he said, a little more soberly.  
"We're gonna have a long time to do that.  Right now, just let 
yourself be here.  Don't close all this off again.  I don't want to 
see you hurting." 
	 
"Huh.  When have you seen me anything but?" 
	 
"I don't know, Jim...when *have* I seen you anything but?  You make 
it sound like it's a good thing, man.  Sometimes letting yourself 
feel something now makes the hurt go away later." 
	 
"Nice platitude," said Jim, running his fingers absently through the 
ends of Blair's curls, "but when you're in the middle of everything, 
it's hard..." 
	 
"Maybe you should just trust me, Jim.  I've never lied to you.  I've 
never led you astray." 
	 
"No," said Jim, "you haven't.  Thank you." 
	 
"What are friends for, man?  What are friends *for*, anyway?"  He 
smiled and pressed his face against the taller man's neck for a 
moment, savoring their closeness.  "Ready to go back inside?  Renew 
some old acquaintances?" 
	 
"Wait," said Jim.  "Wait a moment." 
	 
"Yeah?" 
	 
"If I do go home tonight," said Jim slowly, his eyes wandering to 
the ground and remaining there, "If I go home and don't go out with 
everyone, do I lose you too?" 
	 
Blair's lips brushed against Jim's neck.  "No, I'm still part of the 
deal no matter what, man.  If you want me to be." 
	 
"I do."  His eyes remained lowered, but his own arm crept around his 
partner's waist. 
	 
"All right," said Blair.  "It's okay.  I'm sorry about what I said 
before.  I was just getting frustrated, you know?  You don't have to 
decide now. There's...there's time." 
	 
"Blair?" 
	 
"Yeah?" 
	 
"Can you quit pushing?  Just today?  I know you mean well..." 
	 
"I just don't want you to throw something away when it's barely 
begun." 
	 
"You sound like you're talking about us."  Blair didn't answer, but 
neither did he move away, giving Jim all the answer that he needed.  
Almost shyly, Jim lifted his chin and touched lips with him briefly.  
"I'll think about it," he whispered, pressing his face to his 
partner's lush hair. 
	 
"You're such a liar." 
	 
The voice came from behind them, and Jim turned to see Andy standing 
there. "Not together, my ass, Ellison," he said, feigning anger but 
looking more pleased than mad.  "You didn't have to lie about it, 
you know." 
	 
Jim pulled away suddenly. "Andy, I swear, I didn't..."  
	 
"What, you're just *really* good friends?" he asked with a smirk. 
	 
Blair reached out and touched Andy's arm briefly, shaking his head.  
"Last time you asked," he said, "we *weren't* together." 
	 
Andy looked from one to the other in confusion.  "But when...?" 
	 
"It's...complicated," said Jim warily. 
	 
He looked at Blair, both bemused and a little annoyed.  "Is he 
always this full of shit?" 
	 
"No...sometimes he's worse," he said, flashing a smile at his 
partner to show he was kidding.  Jim scowled.  "C'mon, Jim, lighten 
up."  This time Blair sensed it as a wave of tension swept through 
him. 
	 
"Have you both forgotten we're at a funeral?" 
	 
"No," said Andy, bristling.  "Have you forgotten that you're not the 
one who died?" 
	 
Jim stilled and stood with his mouth hanging open.  "That was a 
fucking rotten thing to say, Andy." 
	 
"Yeah, well maybe you needed to hear it.  Ever since I showed up at 
your apartment, you've been so *angry*, Jim.  Angry and scared.  
Don't kid yourself into thinking it's about Derek...you'll grieve 
for him when you're finished figuring things out for yourself."  He 
ignored Blair's gestures to halt his tirade and kept right on going.  
"He was always like this, you know," he said to Blair.  "Sure, we 
had a great time, but he couldn't handle it.  Couldn't stay with it.  
In and out, in and out.  These past 5 years I've just been 
remembering the good times, Jimmy, but now I remember the rest of it 
too." 
	 
"That's enough." 
	 
"No, that's *not* enough.  I went to that loft and I saw you there, 
Blair, and I thought that things were different..." 
	 
"Things *are* different," Jim interrupted him. 
	 
"Are they, Jim?  Because I don't see it." 
	 
Jim shook his head.  "I don't have time to stand here explaining 
this." 
	 
"No, you're right, none of us do."  He crossed his arms over his 
chest and waited.  Jim looked from him to Blair and back again, then 
stalked off. 
	 
His partner's eyes followed him, but Blair remained where he was.  
"You aren't going to follow him?" 
	 
Blair sighed.  "Jim doesn't need me to follow him right now.  He's 
just...he's not comfortable being here." 
	 
"That much is clear.  It always has been."  He looked at Blair 
speculatively. "You only found out about him when I mentioned it, 
didn't you." 
	 
Blair nodded.  "Yeah." 
	 
"Jim never said anything." 
	 
"No," he admitted.  "I guess I never gave him much reason to.  It 
is, after all, his choice." 
	 
"I don't want to butt into whatever you two have," he said warily.  
"And I hate to do it now, of all times, but...don't let him hurt 
you, Blair.  Jim's a fun guy, but I can't see he's changed all that 
much.  I wanted him to have, but..." 
	 
"He has," said Blair.  "If there's one thing I know, it's that.  And 
being back here is hitting him something fierce.  I just..."  He 
shook his head sadly.  "I don't know if I have the patience for 
this.  I want to, but I just don't know." 
	 
"Is he worth it, to you?" 
	 
"He's worth everything to me," said Blair quietly. 
	 
"Then you'll have the patience.  Just be careful.  Make sure you 
know what you're getting into." 
	 
Blair smiled, almost to himself.  "I wasn't lying when I told you 
I'd been living there for going on two years.   I know what I'm 
getting.  I can't just test the waters here anymore--either I do 
this all the way, or I don't."  He looked in the direction that Jim 
had gone.  "And not doing this, well, just isn't an option anymore." 
	 
"Now if only he's make that same decision.  Right?" 
	 
Blair smiled ruefully and didn't need to answer. 
 
 
~~@~~ 
 
 
The door to the bedroom was open enough for Blair to stand and look 
inside.  He'd found Jim, finally, but didn't feel right intruding on 
the conversation he was having.  Still, he remained in the doorway 
to hear the end of it, and just to be there when Jim came out again. 
	 
"No, I don't regret it," said Terry quietly to Jim's earnest face.  
His eyes were reddish, but no tears fell.  Blair suspected he simply 
didn't have any more.  "I don't regret a single moment of it." 
	 
"It can't have been easy," mused Jim. 
	 
"Nothing worthwhile is ever easy," he said, with a hint of a fond 
smile as he looked to be recollecting the years he'd had with his 
lover.  "When Derek started getting sick..." His voice trailed off.  
"I...I can't talk about that yet....but it was still all 
worthwhile." 
	 
Jim nodded absently, his thoughts far away.  "I'm so sorry, Ter." 
	 
Terry nodded in acknowledgment of Jim's condolences, then hugged his 
friend briefly.  "Thank you.  Thank you for coming, Jim.  It means a 
lot." 
	 
"To me, too," he said. 
	 
Terry nodded again, leaning against the end of the bed.  Jim moved 
toward the door briefly, but was stopped by Terry's next words.  
"Don't take the easy way out this time, Jim.  Don't you think you've 
done that often enough already?" 
	 
Blair couldn't imagine Jim hadn't already noticed him there, but 
still he slipped away again before he could intrude on this any 
further. 
 
 
~~@~~ 
 
 
Blair was standing near the door to the living room when he felt 
Jim's arms come around him.  "Here he is," he said without preamble, 
"at his own lover's funeral...and he was thinking about me.  I've 
been an asshole." 
	 
Blair didn't say anything, just enjoyed the feel of Jim next to him. 
	 
"Life's too short," he added after a long pause. 
	 
Blair nodded.  "So...?" 
	 
"I think maybe going to Mark's tonight is a good idea," he said.  
"And if you meant what you said then we'll stay for a while... but 
I'm still going home tonight.  With you.  Because no matter how 
important you think it is, for me to come back to this, to 
acknowledge it...'us' is more important.  Figuring out where we go 
from here, that's the important thing now." 
	 
Blair smiled. "I think you're off to a good start," he said, 
bringing his hands up and lacing his fingers with Jim's. 
	 
"Why don't we go get some dinner," he offered, holding him close.  
"I have a feeling it's going to be a long and...enlightening night." 
	 
"For both of us, man," agreed Blair, content to lean back against 
his partner's chest and close his eyes, enjoying the serenity of 
that moment.  Things were in place, and no matter how mixed up they 
became as the night wore on, they had a place to start from now.  
They had a whole new life to begin, and that was the most important 
thing of all. 
 
--END--