Lieutenant Harry Kim was relieved from bridge duty exactly fifty-nine minutes before Tom was scheduled to finish his shift. His eyes followed Harry's path to the turbolift, and as Harry entered he turned and blew his lover a brief kiss before the doors closed on him. Tom was mildly aroused even by that simple gesture. His eyes returned to his console as he continued to make minute adjustments every few minutes. In between he thought about Harry. Lieutenant. he thought, We're the same rank now...that should make things interesting...I wonder where he went just now...is he waiting for me?
The shift went agonizingly slowly, not helped by the fact that Tom was checking the chronometer every few minutes. That fact did not escape Janeway's notice, but she simply couldn't relieve him early. She gave her first officer a look and motioned her head towards Tom. And so they both watched him struggle through, shifting in his seat every so often for reasons they could guess without too much difficulty. It was probably cruel, but it was too rare to pass up. Their perpetually self-assured pilot was finally showing a bit of vulnerability.
Tom's replacement finally appeared at his shoulder, and a two-minute briefing later he was off the bridge and on his way to his quarters. "Computer," he said once he got there, "Locate Ensign...I mean Lieutenant Kim."
"Lieutenant Kim is on Holodeck Two," it replied.
That would be Sandrine's at this time of day. Celebrating without me are you? Well, I'll give you a celebration to remember and I don't care who's there. A quick change of clothes later and he was again on his way, but barely made it through the door before turning around again and returning to his quarters. He stripped off the casual clothing and found something a bit more formal and a bit more alluring. Black pants, white shirt, silvery-black jacket. He strutted in front of the mirror approvingly, running his fingers through his hair so that it was tousled just the way Harry liked it.
He reached the door, then once again turned around and on impulse headed for the replicator. When he headed for the door the third time, he held in his hand a single red rose.
He walked through the busy corridors clutching the rose in his hand, trying to ignore the curious glances that he was getting. The rose was supposed to be a quasi-private gesture, not the business of the whole crew. He wondered briefly why he minded so much what people thought of his relationship. A couple of weeks ago he would have been ready to announce their love over the comm system. He wasn't any less in love, was he? He did a bit of internal prodding and came up with a goofy smile on his face. Nope, that certainly wasn't it. But the relationship wasn't all brand new anymore. A lot of people didn't know, but a lot of people did too.
That brought his mind to another problem as he entered the turbolift and ordered it to deck 6. Harry still wanted to "talk" about the relationship and work things out. Hadn't they worked all the bugs out already? Tom had to admit that Harry did have more experience with long-term relationships than he did, but talking about the relationship still made him uncomfortable. Like if it got too easy to talk to Harry then he might say more than he intended to, and he'd already said a lot.
The lift stopped, and at the sight of the holodeck doors his worrisome thoughts vanished. Harry was on the other side of those doors. His life was in there, waiting for him.
B'Elanna met him as he entered the holodeck. "Tom," she cried throwing her arms around his neck, "did you hear?"
"Sure did," he smiled as she released him. "Where is he?"
She gestured toward a corner of the bar, the one whose population made the rest of the bar look deserted by comparison.
"Thanks," he said, "see you in a bit." He walked over to where Harry was standing and shyly held out the rose to him "Congratulations," he said with a generous smile. Harry's eyes widened at the unexpected gesture, and he took Tom into his arms, kissing him exuberantly. It took B'Elanna clearing her throat loudly to separate them.
"Congratulations," Tom whispered again, his breath caressing his lover's ear. Harry was beaming at him with such transparent adoration that no one could possibly mistake the intensity of the relationship. There were people there who had never seen the two together before, had never seen the Tom Paris that went beyond the playboy persona. When he was with Harry, despite his best efforts to the contrary, Tom's face betrayed all the love he felt for the younger man. He was afraid that it would make people see him differently, and he was right, but that change of opinion was definitely not a bad thing.
"I still can't believe it," he said, shaking in head incredulously.
"Believe it," said Tom, kissing him between each sentence, "It was real. I was there. I remember."
"Does this mean I get to give the orders tonight?" whispered Harry with a slight twist in his ordinarily sweet smile.
Whaddaya know. Give the boy a bit of rank and he turns into a raving sex machine. "I think we're going to have to take turns," he said instead, his mouth against Harry's ear, his tongue tracing its contours, "But I'll let you go first."
Their banter was interrupted again by B'Elanna, "Hate to tell you boys," she said sharply, "But there are actual other people in the room with you." Harry looked at her a bit sheepishly. She stood with her hands on her hips and a look on her face that said either knock it off or take it to your room. He looked at Tom who shrugged his shoulders and took Harry's hand rather than try to ravage him again.
"Guess I can't monopolize you all evening, admitted Tom, then lowered his voice, "But tonight you're mine."
Harry chuckled and lowered his voice again as well, "Don't forget," he said, "I get to go first."
The party went on for hours, but finally there was just Tom, Harry, and the holocharacters. B'Elanna had departed surprisingly early. Another date with the warp core thought Tom with a sigh.
"Time to head home?" asked Harry.
"Computer," said Tom, "engage privacy lock on holodeck two." Then he turned to Harry, "Nope," he said, raising a lacivious eyebrow.
Harry took a half-second to regain his composure, then grabbed Tom fiercely and pushed him back against the pool table. His lips met Tom's with a passion so intense Tom thought he would burst. "This has been one of the best days of my life..."
"...and it only gets better from here." Tom practically tore Harry's clothing off, tossing it in the direction of Sandrine, "Computer," he gasped out when he saw her shocked expression, "delete holocharacters."
"What," said Harry between kisses, "no audience?" And with an evil grin he bit into Tom's lower lip. Tom yelped but instead of pulling away he kissed him with even more ferocity, falling onto the table with him and pulling off his own shirt. "I love you," gasped Harry as Tom ground his body against him, "Gods I love you. I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner."
"It doesn't matter," said Tom, "this is all that matters," and he ripped off the rest of his clothing, which he tossed randomly behind him, reaching for Harry's lips again, "Right here, right now, we're all that matters." Harry held Tom's hands above his head, firmly against the surface of the pool table and pressed his face against Tom's neck, nipping and sucking the sensitive part of his throat right below his ear. Tom moaned as a warm sensation flooded through his body and he closed his eyes. In the whole universe there was only Harry and Tom, Tom and Harry.
His erection was pressed against the flat of Harry's stomach as Harry moved rhythmically against him. "Harry," he said, "Harry, if you're gonna do it then do it, but don't leave me hanging like this!" He inhaled sharply as Harry pressed against him harder.
"Let's not forget," said Harry, gasped as he moved again, "who's in charge here." With a quirky smile, he stopped moving and simply let his weight lie heavily on Tom, kissing his lips gently. Tom groaned again and clenched his teeth.
"Harry," he said, "do you have any idea how hard I am?"
"I have a rather intimate knowledge of that," said Harry, letting his breath brush across Tom's cheek, "What exactly do you want me to do about it?" He released Tom's hands and let his fingers run through his hair. Tom wrapped his arms around his lover and held him tightly.
"You know what I want," whispered Tom huskily.
"Maybe," teased Harry, tracing Tom's ear with his tongue, "but it wouldn't hurt to ask."
Tom exhaled slowly, trying to regain some composure, "Harry," he said, "I never thought I'd say this to anyone, let alone you, but," he took a deep breath, "Please, Harry, fuck me. Fuck me 'til I scream."
Already well lubricated, Harry plunged himself into Tom, who cried out at the sudden pain and incredible pleasure, "I think that can be arranged," said Harry and began thrusting in and out. Tom, his legs held immobile by Harry's chest, could do little but push back against him and let him do it. Harry had lost his control now and was crying out with each thrust, his head thrown back and his lips parted.
"Tom," he warned, "Tooommm..." But Tom's penis was trapped between their thrusting bodies and he too was about to explode, aroused beyond speech. "Oh God," said Harry, then Tom could feel himself being filled with warm fluid. He kept moving and moments later Tom spurted across their chests. Harry collapsed against him and they simply held one another for a few moments.
"Congratulations," breathed Tom, "I've never done it on a pool table before. Well, not this one anyways," he added with a wink, "Care to break in the bar next?" Harry looked at him and raised an eyebrow, still panting. Tom felt a rush of affection race through him and he suddenly hugged his lover tightly, "I love you I love you so much," he said, burying his face in Harry's neck. Harry laughed in delight and rolled off to Tom's side.
Tom leapt off the pool table with astonishing energy and rushed over to the bar, sweeping everything off and onto the floor with a single motion. "Come here, you," he ordered with a big smile on his face...
Tom and Harry collapsed on the bed in Tom's quarters. "What time is it?" mumbled Harry.
"0300 or so," answered Tom, pulling the covers over them, "we've got to be up in three and a half hours." As Harry curled up against him, he kissed him lightly on the forehead. "Congratulations Lieutenant," he whispered as they drifted off to sleep.
Two weeks later..."Commander," said Janeway, seated at her desk, "Is something the matter?"
He looked of from his chair, startled by the sound of her voice, "Why do you ask?"
"Because you've been staring at that PADD for two minutes now and you still haven't answered my question."
He paused to collect his thoughts, "You're right, it is about time we had a Chief Science Officer given all the scientific data that we've been collecting, but I'm not sure who I would recommend," he said honestly, "Science was never a strength of mine, and it looks to me like all of the science officers that we have are very inexperienced..."
"So was Harry Kim," she pointed out, "and look how he's come along."
"Good point," he admitted, "I've made a short list of possibilities that I thought we might want to discuss." He leaned forward and handed the PADD to her. "I know that this is your field so I thought you might have a better idea than me."
"Well," she said, perusing the list, "Samantha Wildman really has her hands full right now trying to raise her child, and Ensign Namba has shown some interest in transferring to Engineering so I think we can eliminate those two right away. The rest I think I'd like to meet with in order to make my choice."
"Would you like me to set up the meetings?"
"No, Commander, I think I can take care of that myself," she said briskly, "Was there any other business we need to take care of tonight?"
"No, I don't think so," he said reluctantly.
"Very well then, I'll see you in the morning for the Senior Officers' meeting," she said, smiling at him.
"Until then," he said, leaving the ready room.
Personal Log, Lieutenant J.G. Harry Kim, stardate xxxxx.xAll right, here goes. Tom's been saying it'll help if I talk about it, but talking to him is just too hard. And talking to "mom" is just impossible. I mean, I know it's not really her, but still... Well, I want to introduce her to Tom at least. I don't know, to make it semi-official. Oh, and I have to tell her about my promotion. I'd better go soon then.
Shit. I've already gotten off on a tangent. I don't really want to think about this. Let alone talk about it...but if talking about it will make the dreams go away then I guess that's what I'm going to have to do. Why can't I just say it? I mean, I said it to Tom...sort of. Well, he understood what I was saying. I keep telling myself that I'm just bothered by the fact that I hurt Tom...but the truth is that's pretty much been dealt with. I mean, I get mad sometimes, and I do things that I regret, but that's just the way it's going to be. It's a part of me that's always been there, even if I never saw it before. I may not like it, but now that I know it's there I can control it, and it's not like almost everyone on this ship isn't just like me in that way, right?
No, it's the other thing that still bothers me. That I can't even think of without cringing. Am I a whore? Is that what I am? Because that's what it feels like inside, like I'm less of a person now. Cheap. Tom says he had to do it...I can't imagine--yes I can. But that was different, he had to do it to survive. I just did it to make things easier for us. Like it was no big deal, when it should've been the biggest deal of my life. We could have survived without Zio's help, somehow. If me and Tom had been together then, would it have made a difference? Should it have made a difference? Damn, I wish you could talk back and give me all the answers. I wish at least someone could.
Okay, that's enough for now. Shit, I'm shaking.
Well, let's see, the Enarans left today. It had been a good week, and Jessen was a great friend. Gave Tom a bit of a break from having to deal with me day in and day out, gave him a chance to catch up with his old friends. Well, I hope it did. He's been so quiet. Plus, Tom isn't much into music. Well, into playing music. And she was just wonderful at it. To bad what happened with B'Elanna and all. I'm going to miss her. End log.
Tom stared out the window of the viewing lounge on deck 3, out towards the space where they had left Enara Prime hours ago. How could something that had been so perfect just two weeks ago have crumbled so quickly? He felt something wet slide down his cheek and melt into his lip. Warm and salty. I'm crying. I never cry. Then again, I've never been in love before. He brushed the back of his hand across his cheek to catch the next one en route. I'm glad I'm alone. Can't let anyone see the infamous Tom Paris, womanizer extraordinaire, shedding tears over the loss of his boyfriend. I need that reputation now, more than ever. Aw, who am I kidding. That reputation vanished the first time I kissed Harry in Sandrine's. Now, now I have nothing.
He'd already spent two hours methodically trying to rationalize everything, and then methodically tearing through a holodeck scenario before the frantic anger had left him. He couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong. The one time he'd wanted--needed--a relationship to last...
He heard footsteps coming up behind them but wasn't much inclined to turn around and see who it was. At least, not until his cheeks were dry, his eyes less red. The person sat on the other side of the bench, their back just to the side of Tom's own. No words were spoken, and Tom's breathing could be heard in the otherwise empty room.
"I think," said Chakotay, "that I've spent the last five hours solving one person's crisis after another." He turned his head to look at the back of Tom's, "So I think that I can probably handle one more. Do you want to talk about it?"
Tom was silent for a moment. "How's B'Elanna?" he asked finally.
Chakotay sighed. "She's sleeping. Soundly I hope. She needs it right now. Yesterday was pretty hard on her, but I think she's resolved it. She passed her memories on to Jessen you know. I think it gave her peace of mind."
"Peace of mind," murmured Tom, "I'm glad someone has peace of mind."
"You don't?" Chakotay's voice became a tad too eager.
"You're not a counselor, Commander. You don't have to try to be."
"I wish you were right," said Chakotay, shifting slightly, "I wish there was someone else to do this instead of me...but there isn't."
"I'm fine, Chakotay. You don't need to go through this with me."
"Even if I hadn't noticed that you were crying, Tom, Harry told me he thought that there was something wrong..."
"What does he care?" said Tom bitterly.
"Tom," said Chakotay, surprise apparent in his voice, "he cares a great deal. If you don't know that by now..."
"I thought I knew that. I was so sure...everything was perfect. I thought...I don't know what I thought. It doesn't matter...everything I thought was wrong. "
"I don't know what you mean by that, Tom," said Chakotay honestly, "When I spoke with Harry he seemed deeply concerned."
"What did he talk about?"
Chakotay hesitated, "I would prefer to keep that confidential, Tom. I hope you understand...I'll do the same for you."
"I bet he talked about Jessen. I bet he told you all about how he fell for her and how much he misses her now that they're gone." He felt the stinging in his eyes again as he tried to hold back the tears. "I bet he cried for her, didn't he."
"Tom! Harry loves you, not her! Are you jealous because Harry made a friend?"
"I'm not jealous," he protested, "And those two were a lot more than friends. Did you see the way she looked at him? And all the time they spent together? I hardly saw him all week."
Chakotay thought about that for a moment. "Did you ever see Harry look at her the way she looked at him?"
"Well...no," admitted Tom.
"So what makes you assume that he had any feelings for her?"
Tom was at a loss for words, "Because...because..."
"Tom," said Chakotay gently, "I think you've really jumped to conclusions here. I don't know what kind of life you had before you joined the Maquis, or after, but whatever has happened to you in the past, don't judge Harry by those standards. He really does love you, you know."
"Poor kid," said Tom with a sheepish grin, turning for the first time to look at Chakotay, "he had no idea what he was getting into."
Chakotay smiled back, "Go talk to Harry, he needs to hear from you that everything is okay."
"I will," said Tom, pulling himself to his feet. He knew he looked like hell, but Chakotay already knew that, already knew a lot more than Tom had intended to say. "How come you did this for me?" he asked, genuinely surprised by Chakotay's sudden interest in his affairs.
Chakotay shrugged, "Because you needed it? Because Harry needed it? I don't know, Tom...I guess maybe I was a bit too quick to judge you when we met. You can be an okay guy...sometimes." It was more than he had ever confessed to before and as much as he intended to. Tom understood.
He gave Chakotay a grudging smile, "Take my advice, Chakotay," he said, shaking his head almost self-pityingly, "Never, ever fall in love with your best friend."
Chakotay chuckled, "It may be too late," he said, then fell silent as though he had just realized he had spoked aloud.
Tom looked at him, "I take that back," he said, suddenly very serious, "do fall in love. Because even though it hurts like hell, it's the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me."
Chakotay gave him a bittersweet smile, "Go," he said, "Talk to him." Tom nodded and left the observation lounge for Harry's quarters.
As he walked down the corridor, Lieutenant Tristan Jansen turned a nearby corner and fell into step with him, "I hope you're happy," she said with a sly grin on her face. He turned to her, his mood change not immediate, but her good humour was infectious.
"Happy?" he repeated.
"Happy," she said emphatically, "that Harry Kim is now bugging me for stories about your academy days. Did you have to tell him that we went to the academy together?" She made her voice sound exasperated, but she couldn't hide the smile in her eyes.
"I didn't tell him," protested Tom.
"Well, someone did, and I don't know what to tell him! Do you really want him to know about you and that lovely Physics professor in Admiral Wu's office?"
Tom grinned and shook his head, "That isn't a story I'd like to start with, no. What about the time I put on that play for the first year cadets?"
"You didn't put on that play for the first year cadets!" she said with a whoop of incredulous laughter, "You put it on for Helena Y'Olsu!"
"Who was a first year cadet," he justified, looking at her defiantly.
"Uh huh," she said, shaking her head, "whatever you say."
"It was a good play, too," he went on. Tristan just nodded her head again, a smile still playing at her lips, "I got a lot of dates thanks to that play."
"None of which were with Helena."
"Well, no," he admitted, "but by that time it didn't matter much now, did it."
She looked at him, still smiling, maybe even affectionately, "You've changed a lot since then, you know that Paris?"
His mood became more serious, but far from sombre, "Yeah, Tristan, I have." They stopped in the corridor and faced one another just outside Harry's door, "I have changed a lot."
"It suits you," she said lightly, "Well, I think I ought to leave you two alone now. We should get together sometime."
"Sandrine's tonight?" he said, raising an eyebrow.
She shook her head, "I hope to be busy tonight."
His eyebrow went a notch higher, "I don't suppose you'll be trying to track down Ms. Torres..."
Her eyes took on a more dangerous glint, "If you breathe a word of that to anyone..."
It was Tom's turn to laugh, "My lips are sealed, Lieutenant. Talk to you soon." She waved as she continued on down the corridor and he turned to signal at Harry's door.
The response was almost immediate, "Tom!" said Harry in delight, "I'm glad you're here. Do you want to go get something to eat? I'm starving."
Tom nodded, "Yeah, me too. But Har, there's something I need to talk to you about."
"I suspected as much," said Harry with a wise nod as he joined Tom in the corridor and they began their way to the mess hall. As they made their way there, Tom confessed to Harry what he had been thinking about Harry's relationship with Jessen.
"Oh, Tom," said Harry sadly, "How could you even think that?" They were now seated, picking at dinner. Well, at least Tom was picking. Harry was eating it as though he hadn't noticed that it was an odd shade of blue or that it occasionally looked to be moving.
"I was...worried."
"You were insecure," accused Harry, pointing his fork at Tom, "Don't be."
Tom had to smile, "Okay, I was insecure. I haven't had anyone like this before, you know that."
"Yeah, I know that," he said, letting him emotions show through for a brief moment, "But if you'd just remember that I love you, then it should be okay. How could you have doubted it?"
Tom shrugged, "I wish I hadn't. I guess maybe I thought..."
"That you weren't good enough to have someone all to yourself," he finished, "Am I right?"
Tom nodded.
"You want to go back to my quarters," said Harry, "and have another one of those lets-sit-down-and-try-to-figure- out-our-relationship talks? I think maybe..."
"...we each ought to spend some time convincing the other that we really love them. Maybe in a little while, Har. I think we've been antisocial enough during the past three or four weeks." He reached across the table and entwined his fingers with Harry's, "Don't worry, it'll keep."
Harry smiled and then gestured to Tom's almost-full plate with his fork, "Are you going to eat that?"
Tom looked at him incredulously, "Be my guest, Har," he said, pushing it towards him, "I prefer my food to be less...active." Harry just dug into the second plate of food with gusto. "How can you eat that stuff?"
"Because I'm hungry and I used my last replicator ration to--" Harry blushed, "for, you know--" He took another bite of his meal and tried to keep the redness in his cheeks from spreading all the way to the tips of his ears, but failed miserably.
Tom blushed a bit too as he realized what Harry was trying to say. "Well, let's try and make this one last, then. And I promise the next tube's on me, okay?" Harry nodded and mumbled something, finishing off the food in remarkably little time. "So...Sandrine's?"
"Tom, are you sure we can't just go back to my quarters, at least for a little while?" Harry pleaded, "I really don't feel like--"
Tom looked at him, concerned, "Sure, Har, we can go back there. Anything you want, buddy."
B'Elanna woke up late in the evening to the grumbling of her stomach, smiling at the realization that something so mundane had been the cause of her awakening. The day of sick leave had done her a world of good, and the memories of her encounter with the Enarans were fading fast. She pulled on some casual clothing and stretched. She wanted to go straight to engineering to check on how things had gone while she had been absent, but certain physical needs had to be met first. Engineering had already survived 18 hours without her, so another hour wouldn't hurt them. It might trouble her to be away for any longer, but it was necessary and she wasn't up to another lecture from any of her senior officers for neglecting basic needs.
She found Chakotay in the mess hall, virtually alone. As she approached him, she looked around the room, remembering how it had been only days before when the Enarans had been aboard their ship. It was not a particularly fond memory, and she shuddered slightly. Nicoletti saw her reaction, and began to get up to see what was the matter, but B'Elanna waved her back to her seat with a reassuring smile and took the last few steps to Chakotay's table
"You need to get out more," she teased him from behind his shoulder.
He started, then looked up at her and grinned sheepishly, "The Captain and I were looking over some reports," he said, "I got a half-hour break while she conducts an interview with Ensign Porter."
"Crew reports? At this time of night?"
Chakotay sighed, "Yes, at this time of night. For a ship that has no bureaucracy to deal with, we sure spend a lot of time on petty business. Which reminds me, Ka-- Captain Janeway told me that we're missing one of the reports from Engineering."
B'Elanna had the decency to look guilty. "I'll have that on her desk first thing in the morning," she said quickly, "I haven't really been on top of things for the last couple of days." Chakotay just nodded. He wasn't about to chastise her, especially since it had been Carey's responsibility. "Do you mind a little company?" she asked.
"You? Of course not, have a seat," he said, "How are you feeling?"
"Better," she admitted, "a lot better. That good night's sleep worked miracles. But you, Chakotay, you look like hell. When's the last time you got any sleep?"
He looked at her, a twinkle of amusement in his eyes, "I'm was in bed quite early last night, Ms. Torres. I don't think you have any reason to be concerned." How do I tell her that I spent half the night tossing and turning, thinking about the woman in the quarters next to mine?
"Well, you'd better do the same tonight," she continued to mother him, "or I'll be forced to tie you to your bed until you sleep." Chakotay chuckled, remember a time when she had done just that. When they were around one another, they allowed themselves to behave in an entirely different way. Chakotay was no longer the angry Indian nor B'Elanna the angry half-Klingon. While being part of the crew of Voyager had changed them in profound ways, sometimes the old conforts were the best comforts.
"So how's that new holoprogram you and Tom are working on coming along?" he asked, changing the subject.
"It's coming," she said, with something less than enthusiasm, "I've never done anything like it before, I didn't realize quite how involved it was."
He grinned at her, "You're just upset because Tom knows more about something than you do."
"That's not true," she protested a little too quickly, "Tom is a hell of a better pilot than me and I don't mind a bit."
That's different and you know it, thought Chakotay, but didn't say it aloud. "Speaking of Tom, did he and Harry..."
"Kiss and make up?" she finished for him, "Considering that I just saw them heading for the holodeck together, I'd say the answer to that is a definite yes. Couldn't you have waited a day or two to intervene? I was so looking forward to consoling them..." She was joking, but Chakotay could hear a note of pain in her voice.
"B'Elanna?"
"Oh, don't tell me you didn't know," she sighed, rested her head on her hand in an uncharacteristic gesture of vulnerability.
"Okay, I won't tell you," he said, "But you do know that they..."
"Are very much in love? Yeah, I know that. Trust me, if anyone knows that it's me. It's just that...everyone seems to be pairing off, and I don't want to spend the next seventy years alone. Do you know what I mean?"
Do I ever "There are a lot of people on this ship that would kill for a date with you, B'Ela," he said.
"Like Freddie Bristo?" she joked.
"Actually, I hear he's hooked up with Henley, but don't quote me on that," he responded, "Looks like he's finally gotten over that crush on you."
B'Elanna just shrugged, "One less option," she said dismally.
"Look," said Chakotay, "I never meant to put you in a bad mood. You know, a lot of things can happen in a very short period of time. Never give up hope. Oh, and give a bit of thought to Bernard Schultz." He winked at her, "He's been asking about you."
She gave him a small smile, "I'm afraid I never really imagined myself with someone named Bernie."
"Well," he said, shrugging and standing up, "The way things are going on this ship, you just never know. I'm afraid I have to get back to work, B'Ela. Catch you later?"
"Maybe tomorrow," she said, "I think I'll hit Sandrine's for a while tonight."
"Give the pool table a good pat for me," he said over his shoulder as he left the mess hall, "Tell her I miss her." B'Elanna just laughed and shook her head.
"Where are we going?" said Tom, eager to have finally left Harry's quarters. He'd managed to get out of the dreaded "relationship" conversation, but he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out. It wasn't that he didn't love the guy to pieces, but talking about it with him wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world anymore. Maybe because the old Tom Paris doubts were creeping back into his psyche.
"Somewhere I should have taken you a long time ago..."
"Yeah, but where?"
"The holodeck," he evaded.
"Harry!"
"You'll see when we get there," he said, tightening his grip on Tom's hand, "and don't try and guess, Tom, 'cause you never will."
"All right," said Tom with a smile, "I like surprises. They happen to me so seldom." Harry just smiled and kept on walking until they reached the door to holodeck two.
"Computer," said Harry, "Activate program Kim-2"
"Program is activated," replied the computer and the doors to the holodeck slid open. What Tom saw was what Harry saw every time he ran this program, and what he used to see whenever he walked through the door to his own home on Earth. The green and flowering plants everywhere, the comfortable, elegant furniture, the plush carpeting, the wall hangings. And the woman who was sitting down on one of the couches.
"Harry!" she exclaimed, getting up from the couch, "And who is this handsome young man?"
"Mom," said Harry with a broad smile, "I'd like you to meet Tom Paris, the one I told you about. Tom, this is my mother."
Harry was right, no matter what Tom might have thought Harry was bringing him to, he would never have imagined this. "It's an honour to meet you." he said, walking up to her and extending a hand. Instead of taking it, she enveloped him in a hug.
"He never brings anyone to meet me," she whispered to Tom conspiratorially, "I think he's afraid I'll be scandalized by his friends." She looked over at her son and, knowing he'd overheard her, winked. Tom laughed and Harry just blushed a little.
"I'm sorry it's been so long again," he said, "I've just been a little..."
"Busy?" she teased him, "Oh, Harry," she said, taking her son into her arms, "I'm so happy you've finally found someone again. You were so lonely." Tom smiled a little, and thought about the fact that Harry must have been telling her stuff he hadn't been sharing with anyone else on the ship. He had known that Harry was homesick, but hadn't realized that he had been lonely--he had always felt that Harry had been one of the most secure in the fact that he had someone to go home to, and that he wasn't looking for companionship. But I'm glad he accepted it.
"I'm happy too," he said when she released him and sat back down, gesturing for them to sit down in the loveseat near her.
She waggled a finger at Tom, "You had better be taking good care of my son," she said, with mock sternness, but Tom could see how serious she was.
"Forever and always," he said with such finality that Harry couldn't help giving him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek.
"Harry," she said, "Don't be afraid to talk to this one, don't be afraid to be yourself. I know how you kept things from Libby, but don't make that mistake again." Harry looked at her sharply, wondering if he should regret programming her with such thoroughness and complexity. He dared a glance at Tom and, seeing that he hadn't really changed his expression, realized that she hadn't told him anything he hadn't already figured out on his own. That was a bit of a surprise.
The hour that Harry had booked passed quickly, and Tom found that he got along with Harry's mother famously. He wondered briefly how well he would fare with the real thing, but this program seemed quite real to them. Right before they had to leave, she called him aside.
"I've been wanting to say this to someone for a long time," she said, "but Harry never brought anyone to me before. He's never had anyone who meant so much...there are things in his past that he does not remember, things that will hurt him when they do. Even though he has you, I see that there are other things that still make him unhappy. You must help him."
"I will," promised Tom, "I love him."
"I know you do," she said, putting an arm around his back and walking him to the door, "And you make sure that he comes and visits his poor mother more often." Harry heard that last bit and smiled, knowing that she said that to him every single time he came.
"I will," he repeated, "Come on, Har, let's go home."
With a last smile to his mother, Harry turned and said, "Computer, end program." Taking Tom's hand in his, he walked out the door and back into the corridor. "So?" he said, awaiting Tom's reaction.
Tom chuckled a little, "Other people program adventures, sexual liaisons, favorite locations...you, you program your mother. Oh Harry Kim, I think that's why I love you." He gave him a loving smile and squeezed his hand.
"She liked you," he said, "almost as much as I do."
Tom thought about complimenting him on his excellent programming, but thought better of it. Harry thought of this program as more than just that, it was a replacement for what he had lost. While he never lost sight of the fact that it wasn't really his mother, it gave him a certain degree of comfort that he wouldn't have had otherwise, and Tom didn't want to take that away from him. He did wonder how often Harry had gone to visit her when they had first become trapped her, but they would have plenty of time to talk about that. "Are we heading back to quarters or do you want to go out for a while?"
"I supppose a stop at Sandrine's wouldn't hurt," said Harry, knowing that was what Tom wanted to hear. He was looking forward to spending some more time alone with Tom, but he wouldn't mind going out, just for a little while.
"Thanks, Har," he said, and Harry realized that Tom knew just what he was doing. For the second time in as many hours, he wondered just how perceptive Tom really was under his facade of self-indulgence.
They walked the few meters to holodeck two and passed through the doors there, to be greeted with the familiar atmosphere of Sandrine's. Tom turned to Harry once they were inside and had been greeted by a couple of mutual friends, "I'd like to play a little bit of pool," he said, "are you up for a game?"
Harry spotted B'Elanna sitting alone at a table and shook his head, "You go ahead," he said, "I'm gonna go catch up with B'Elanna."
"Okay," said Tom, releasing his hand, and giving him a quick kiss, "I'm sure I can scrounge up an opponent. Whenever you want to go, you know where to find me." Harry nodded then turned to walk over to where B'Elanna was sitting.
"Hey Starfleet," she said, offering him a chair, "How's it going?"
"It's going great," he said.
"I guess you and Tom patched everything up?"
He looked at her a little curiously, wondering how she knew so much about their lives, "There really wasn't much to patch up. He misunderstood what went on with Jessen and I, and I made sure he understood. So now everything is okay."
"That's good," she said, taking a sip of her drink, "So what did happen between you two? You looked like you were getting quite cozy..."
"Nothing!" blurted out Harry, then lowered his voice when he noticed some of the people near to them were looking, "We were just friends, that's all!"
"No need to get so defensive, Harry," she baited, "unless you really are hiding something?"
"I'm not!" he said, "I'm not." Then he buried his face in his arms for a moment, "B'Ela, why are you doing this to me?"
"Because I can tell when you're lying, Starfleet, and I want to know why."
"I'm not lying, I..." he paused, "She kissed me. Once. And that's it."
"And you let her?"
"It wasn't a matter of letting her or not," he protested, "It just...happened. She was walking me back to my quarters and it...happened. And that was the end of it."
"Does Tom know?"
"No, I decided it wasn't worth it. And please don't tell him either, B'Elanna, out of some sense of loyalty. It's hard enough convincing him day to day that I really do love him, he doesn't need to have any reason to doubt it. And you know as well as I do that he's insecure enough to do that."
She looked at him a little disapprovingly, but didn't question his decision. She did know how insecure Tom really was, and was probably one of only three people on the ship who did, the other two being Harry and Captain Janeway. And maybe Chakotay, she thought, he's a pretty smart man. But she wondered what might happen if and when Tom did find out. "Everything's okay now?"
Harry blushed a little, remembering just how "okay" everything was.
B'Elanna didn't miss the look, "Tell me," she demanded.
"B'Elanna," he hissed, "I can't tell you!"
"Sure you can, Starfleet, it's just one word after another. If you're going to be carrying on a relationship while I have to remain celibate, the least you can do is give me details." Harry blushed to an even deeper shade. "I don't mean every little detail, though I wouldn't object..."
"We..." Harry began and then stopped, "B'Ela I don't think I can do this. I mean, you know we're doing it, and I freely admit that, but..."
"Hell, Har, that's the first time you've even told me that much flat out...let's see how much further you can go, shall we? Let's see, what sexual act did you last perform on him and when..."
"B'Elanna!"
"Well?" she grinned ferociously, then softened a bit, "Harry, you know I wouldn't make you tell me if it came down to that, but...you know, if you do them you should be able to talk about them. You need to loosen up a bit."
Harry actually smiled back, "Maybe I'm afraid if I tell you about how great he is in bed you'll want to steal him from me," he teased.
B'Elanna's grin disappeared immediately, "You know I wouldn't..."
"Of course I know that!" he said, then, "I know you like him, B'Ela, and if things had been different I would have been all for it, but..."
She sighed, "I don't think you're getting the whole picture, Starfleet," she confessed, finally deciding to come out with it, "I liked him, and I liked you, and now I can't have either one of you and, well, it gets a little lonely. So if I ask you for details it's only because I want to live vicariously. Hey, it's better than no life at all, right?"
"I don't know what to say," he began.
"Don't start feeling sorry for me, Harry," she said, the grin returning, "or I'll never get any juicy stories out of you. Now spill."
"Well," he said, "if you put it that way, I think I might be able to..." he looked around to see if anyone else was listening and lowered his voice, "We did it today after dinner, before coming here," he told her, "Oh, B'Ela it is just the most incredible thing...the way he makes me feel, it's just...I don't know how to put it into words."
"Try."
"You're insatiable," he sighed, "Okay, here's what happened--"
"Shhh," said Tom, pressing Harry against the wall of his quarters. They could hear voices in the corridor. More specifically the voices of the Captain and Chakotay, who were standing there conversing in rather loud voices and showed no indication of leaving any time soon. With a dangerous glint in his eye, Tom began sliding down his body.
"Tom!" said Harry when he realized what Tom was going to do, "Are you insane?"
"Yeah, Har, you drive me crazy," he said, undoing the clasp on Harry pants and running his fingers along Harry's growing erection, "Now you wouldn't want to make too much noise and attract their attention would you?" Harry murmured something that Tom couldn't hear and stifled a moan as he reached inside his underwear to touch him directly, "Now what would the Captain think, us carrying on right under her nose..." And then there were no more words as he wrapped his lips around Harry and began to tease him to full hardness. And once he had he took Harry all the way in, driving him crazy as he tried not to cry out. They could still hear the voices out in the corridor. Soon his body was frantic, thrusting in and out of Tom's mouth as he craved release.
Suddenly Tom stood up, letting him go. A small whimper escaped Harry's mouth before Tom began kissing him and replaced his mouth with his hand, stroking Harry heavily and quickly until he came, spurting onto Tom's shirt but missing his own. He cried out as he came, not being able to help himself, but the sound was drowned inside Tom's mouth and they continued to kiss until his breathing had almost returned to normal.
"I can't believe you just did that," he whipered, trying to sound angry.
Tom just grinned impudently, "Don't tell me you minded," he said.
"Well, you might have just taken me on the bed," he protested.
"And rumple the sheets? Hardly! That can wait 'til after you take me wherever you're taking me. Speaking of which, I think I'd better change before we go out." Harry took a look at the state of Tom's shirt and giggled, but his laughter turned to a gasp as Tom ran his finger across it, the slowly sucked it off. With a wink, he walked away towards the closet and changed, leaving Harry to redo his pants and make himself look presentable.
"I can't believe he did that either!" said B'Elanna, her skin a little flushed.
Harry squirmed a bit in his seat, resigning himself to the fact that he might not be able to stand up for a while, "Well, he's just like that," said Harry, "I think that's part of why I love him. Because he's so different from me. Because he can do things like that and because he can take any situation and deal with it and come out smiling."
"Yeah, that sounds like Tom all right," said B'Elanna.
"So does that fill your need for now?" teased Harry.
"No, not really," she confessed, "It just made me want it all the more, but that's not your fault," she added hastily at Harry's stricken look, "maybe I should take Chakotay's advice after all."
"Which was?"
"To start looking for someone to spend some time with."
"Like Tristan Jansen?" said Harry.
"What about Tristan Jansen?" B'Elanna's reaction was immediate.
"I was talking to her a few days ago and your name happened to come up, that's all.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she demanded.
"Because you didn't ask," retorted Harry, "and because it was nothing. It was just talk, that's all."
B'Elanna became silent, looking strangely thoughtful, and suddenly Harry felt a pair of hands running across his shoulders and down his chest to envelop him in a light embrace. He looked over his shoulder and saw Tom there.
"You two have been sitting here for a while. I hope you found something interesting to talk about."
"Oh, we did," said B'Elanna, then looked towards the door, "Speak of the devil..." she said.
Harry looked up and saw Lieutenant Jansen walk in with Henley and Nicoletti. "Go," he said to her encouragingly, "I'll talk to you later. I promise." She gave him a smile and got up from the table to greet the newcomers.
"What was that all about?" he asked, sliding into B'Elanna's seat.
"Oh, I think she's off to chat with Tristan Jansen," Tom raised an eyebrow so Harry went on, "With you now unavailable, she has gone on to other prospects." He left out the part about him. Maybe someday he would discuss the possibility that was cropping up in his brain, but not yet.
Tom looked over at the two, who were already engaged in a rather animated conversation. Well, it's about time.
"Good for her," he said, not wanting to deal with the fact that B'Elanna had even considered him. He had always found her attractive, but he had someone now. Someone he loved more than anything. "So do you want to stick around here for a while or head home," he asked.
"Home," said Harry almost immediately, standing up, "I'm actually a little tired."
"Don't feel guilty," said Tom, "so am I. I've had a rather emotionally draining day." He, too, stood up and took Harry's hand, waving good-bye to B'Elanna before leaving the holodeck.
"Tom," said Harry, "You don't ever need to doubt that I love you, no matter what happens, okay?"
"I know that," said Tom, "but sometimes, when I get really down on myself...well, you know how I get."
"I know," said Harry, "I knew that before I ever got into this relationship with you, and I knew that it wouldn't be easy. That's why I keep telling you, because I don't ever want you to forget." He looked at Tom, his sincerity showing in his eyes, and Tom felt another rush of love for the younger man. They had only been together just under a month, but Harry was everything to him.
"I'm trying my best you know..."
"And so am I," said Harry with a gentle smile, "We aren't perfect, but we're together, and that's what matters, right?"
"Right." They had reached the door to Tom's quarters and quickly slipped inside, taking their time undressing and getting ready to go to bed. Almost half of Harry's stuff had already migrated here, just as half of Tom's could now be found in his quarters. It was both an awkward and a convenient situation.
Harry slipped into bed with Tom and wrapped his arms around his lover, their bodies slipping into a comfortable position. He thought that Tom was just going to go straight to sleep, but he soon felt a hand running along his thigh, along his side..."Tired, huh?"
"I'm not going to ravish you," whispered Tom, "I just want to feel you." He turned around so that he was facing him and just let his hands roam all over Harry's body. Harry found he wasn't really getting sexually aroused, but the sensitivity of his skin had doubled, and every caress sent a tingling sensation all over his body. He shivered. "Is that nice?" asked Tom and Harry kissed him lightly in reply so Tom kept doing it, pausing every so often to explore a mole or a crease in the skin. "What's this?" he asked as he reached a scar on the back of Harry's thigh. Harry let his on hand slide down to where Tom's had paused.
"Oh, that's just something I got when I was little," he said dismissing it.
"How?"
"I don't know," said Harry, "I must have been really young. I probably fell or something." Tom could feel Harry tense a little, so he left it alone and began caressing his body for a few more minutes until he'd relaxed again. Then he just held Harry in his arms again.
"Let's get some sleep," he said, "We have an early duty shift tomorrow." Harry nodded in acquiescence and fell asleep with his head against Tom's chest. Tom was awake for a while longer, and looked down at his sleeping lover with concern. Harry had been through so much already, and Tom had a bad feeling that more was in store.
Personal Log, Lieutenant J.G. Harry Kim, stardate xxxxx.xThis doesn't feel right. This doesn't feel right at all. It's like there's a dam inside of me and its about to break and I'm afraid of what's on the other side. Tom's been so good to me, even since we got together, and I don't feel like I've done anything for him. I'm afraid if he knows more about what happened in the Akritarian prison he'll leave me. That he won't understand, even if he says he does.
I look down at my body sometimes and I just wince, knowing where it's been, know who has touched it. I wanted to give myself to Tom, whole and pure, even before the prison. But that was all ruined, destroyed by that horrible place. Why am I starting to hate myself? What's happening to me?
Harry stood at his station and was silently thankful that nothing of note was happening on the bridge at the moment because his mind certainly wasn't on his work. Something had been triggered in his mind the night before, something that had brought with it some truly horrendous dreams that had woken both of them in the middle of the night. It had taken over an hour for Tom to get him back to sleep, and both of them had been a little bleary-eyed when they showed up for their shifts. Something about that damned scar, it was right there on the tip of his mind so why couldn't he grasp it? What had happened? He was beginning to have images flash into his mind--it was dark, and cold...there was a woman...and it was filthy, so many people... Suddenly it was like a flash if light had gone of just behind his eyes, and Harry Kim started to scream.
Tom heard the first scream along with the rest of the bridge crew and once he saw where it was coming from he abandoned his station to rush to his lover's side. "Chakotay, take the conn," snapped Janeway's voice and then she was there at their sides. Harry had stopped screaming when Tom had taken his hand, but there was a sheen of sweat was forming on his skin and the look in his eyes told them clearly that he wasn't there with them. "Tom," she said, then looked at him and changed her mind and tapped her combadge, "Emergency. Three to beam directly to sickbay." An instant later they materialized there.
"Please state the nature of the medical emergency."
Tom was blocking all of it out, all there was in his world was his lover's face and his lover's hand, clutched tightly in his own. His vague premonition had come to pass, and there was nothing he could do but be there. Things happened around him in a blur, Kes and the Doctor worked on Harry, the Doctor and the Captain discussed what happened, the Captain and Kes tried to get him to sit down elsewhere but couldn't get him to budge. Finally, finally, Harry lapsed into a peaceful sleep and Tom allowed himself to gradually become aware of everything else around him.
"Tom," said Kes gently. He looked around to see that the Captain was gone and the Doctor had been deactivated, "Tom, we've sedated him and he's going to be asleep for a little while. There's nothing physically wrong with him, and we've speculated that he underwent some sort of mental trauma. Do you know of anything...?"
Tom shook his head, "Nothing that would cause this sort of reaction. I know we've been under a lot of stress in the last month, but I thought everything was going a lot better now.
Kes just nodded, "The captain asked to see you as soon as I thought you were ready. Don't worry, we'll be moving Harry back to his quarters as soon as he awakens, there's nothing more we can do for him here. He'll be there whenever you're through."
She'd left him no excuse to get out of meeting with the Captain, no good reason to have to stay with Harry, so he nodded as well. "Thank you Kes," he said, and gave Harry a lingering kiss on the forehead before leaving sickbay for the bridge.
The trip was briefer than he'd hoped it would be, and he soon found himself signalling the Captain in her Ready Room with some trepidation. "Come," she said, and he entered the room. "At ease, Mr. Paris, and have a seat." He did that automatically, and awaited her next words. "How's Harry?"
"Um, sleeping," he answered, "they'll be moving him back to his quarters right away."
"Yes, Kes mentioned something about that," She looked with no small concern at the worry-lines that eroded Tom's forehead and the slight tremor in his hands. If she could let him rush back to his lover's side she would, but the doctor had requested she keep Tom occupied until Harry was awakened and moved so the procedure would be as smooth as possible. "Do you know what happened, Tom?"
"I wish I did," he said, "and I intend to find out."
She seemed satisfied with that answer. "I've taken Harry off active duty until this is taken care of," she told him, "and as for you. I wish I could give you leave but I can't afford to. Would you settle for working half shifts?"
"Captain," he said with some relief, "that's more than I was expecting. Thank you."
"I wish I could do more," she said, "this is part of the reason that they discourage relationships between bridge officers. Because when something like this happens, it makes it difficult to be compassionate."
"Captain," he said, "you've been nothing but supportive of Harry and I since the very beginning. I know you're doing everything you can and more," he paused, "was there anything else?"
"A couple of things," she said, "First of all, I wanted to make sure that the animosity between Harry and Ensign Powell has dissipated," Tom reluctantly nodded his head to the affirmative, "because Powell is Harry's logical replacement for the moment. Secondly," and here she took a deep breath, "We both know that things with Harry have gone beyond the point where you can handle them yourselves. If this is indeed emotional trauma, and I can't imagine it being anything else, then you might want to consider having Harry talk to someone else."
"Captain, that's Harry's decision and not mine."
"I am aware of that, and I am also aware that I can order him into counselling, but I don't want to have to do that. I'm telling you this so that you can be the one to suggest it, and also so you know that if he says anything to you that may threaten the safety of the ship, or may suggest that he would be unable to perform his duties for an extended period of time, then you are under obligation to report them to me. Do you understand that?"
"Quite clearly, Captain, and I will. You know that I have nothing but Harry's best interests at heart."
She smiled at him, "I know that, Tom. You have the rest of today off and tomorrow as well if you feel that it's necessary."
"Is that everything?"
"Actually, Tom, I'd like you to have a cup of coffee with me. It's going to take a bit of time to get Harry moved, and you need to relax a little. That's an order, lieutenant." Tom forced a bit of a smile and accepted her "hospitality".
"Captain," he said hesitantly, "I know that you gave us your approval when Harry and I began to see one another, and I know you didn't have to do that..."
"I don't think my opinion would have stopped you, Tom."
"Well, no," he admitted, "but it meant a lot for you to give it to us. What I am asking is if you regret that decision."
She shook her head, "Something was bound to happen to one of you sooner or later, probably a lot of somethings, and I knew that when I gave you my blessings. I can't dictate who people fall in love with on this ship, and I'm not going to try. Whatever happens, happens, and we have to deal with it as best we can under the circumstances. Like everything else."
"Thank you, Captain." She just nodded her head and sipped at her coffee, looking at the chronometer every so often and finally told Tom that he could go. He got up quickly from his seat and with a nod to her left her ready room and the bridge.
Barely even looking around, he got off the turbolift and headed straight for Harry's quarters. "Tom. Tom Paris." Tom stopped dead at the sound of the voice, despite his haste. Speak of the devil "Tom," said Ensign Powell, "I heard about Kim. Is everything all right?"
Tom turned to him and pasted a smile on his face, "Everything is fine. As a matter of fact, I'm going to see him right now, so if you excuse me..." Tom resumed his course and luckily Powell didn't follow. He and Harry had patched up their differences all right, but Tom still looked at him and saw an ambitious and unscrupulous bastard. He's probably glad Harry's on leave for a while he thought uncharitably. When he reached Harry's door, however, he banished all other thoughts from his mind.
The quarters were locked, but he punched in Harry's code and entered immediately. "Har," he said, rushing up to his lover who was sitting on the edge of the bed, shaking, "Harry, what happened?" He reached out toward his lover's face not--quite--touching it.
Harry closed his eyes tightly, "I...remembered...some stuff," he said. The shaking intensified for a moment, "When you asked me about that scar it must have triggered..." Tom withdrew his hand and clenched his fists at his sides, afraid of what he was about to hear.
"What..." he began, "What happened?"
Harry was the one who made the first contact, taking Tom's hand and clutching it, "I don't know where to start," he said, "there are only flashes...there are so many holes...it doesn't make sense."
"That's okay," he said soothingly, using his other hand to stroke the back of Harry's. From somewhere within himself he drew out infinite patience, the ability to wait until Harry could speak whether it took minutes, days or months. The screams that had erupted from Harry on the bridge still echoed in his head. He was a man in emotional agony, the symptoms of which Tom knew well. I once thought we were so different, I now know we are too much the same "Tell me whatever you need to tell me."
"Tom," said Harry desperately, "Tom, please don't make me tell anyone else about this. I'll talk to my logs and I'll talk to you, but I can't, I just can't..." The shaking was worse again and Tom contined his stroking, moving further up Harry's arm and back again.
"Harry," he said carefully, "It's true that you have to talk to someone. If you choose me, then that's fine. And if there are things that you just can't say to another living person," and I know that there often are, "then please still talk to your logs, if only to have them said. But Harry," and here was the hard part, "there are certain things that I may have to report to the Captain. Do you understand that?"
Harry nodded, taking a deep breath to try and still his body, "I know, and...I'd rather you said them than...than me..."
"What happened?" he asked gently, "How'd you get the scar?"
It happened all at once. Suddenly Harry had his arms wrapped around him and was sobbing into his shoulder, "Why didn't they tell me??" he wailed, "They could have told me! Why did it have to happen this way?"
"Shhhh," said Tom, stroking his hair, "It's okay. It's okay." But was it okay? What had happened? He couldn't even begin to guess what had caused such a violent emotion in someone who'd previously seemed so well-adjusted.
Harry curled up closer and closer and rested his head in the crook of Tom's arm, pretty much sitting on his lap. "Mama," he said, his voice sounding pitiful and young, "Mama why are you going away again?"
Tom froze. He knew what it was like to have a flashback, but he had never seen someone else regress like this. Where were they? What was Harry seeing? Dammit, I made a promise to him Tom knew that he couldn't call sickbay unless something serious happened, not with any hope of having Harry trust him again. "Mama?" Harry repeated, his voice a little more scared, "Mama please don't leave me alone again!" Harry squirmed out of Tom's lap and stood up shakily, looking directly at him but not even seeing him there. "But mama..."
What, is this an argument?
Harry straightened himself up almost proudly, "I'm a big boy," he said, both tears and a wide smile on his face, "I'm this many, right mama?" Harry held out four fingers in front of him. Tom immediately racked his brain for the significance. Harry had once told him that he had been adopted when he was five, and that he had no memories before that. So if he's four right now... Tom almost moaned aloud. This was not good.
"Mama," Harry's expression was frightened again, "Mama don't go! He's a bad man!" Harry fell back against the bed, holding his cheek as though he'd been struck. Then his eyes widened and he started screaming again, worse than he had on the bridge.
"Harry," said Tom, "Harry, it's me. Harry!" His lover was clearly in abject terror and there was nothing he could do. He tried to wrap his arms around him to calm him but Harry easily threw him off. He tapped his comm badge "Emergency. Two to beam directly to sickbay." Once again he tried to hold Harry, or rather constrain him as the familiar shimmering began.
When they arrived in sickbay, the Doctor quickly assessed Harry's agitated state and sedated him again. Tom collapsed onto another biobed, exhausted.
"Would you care to explain what happened, Mr. Paris?" queried the Doctor.
"I don't know," said Tom, "I went to talk to him, to be with him after...after what happened. We were talking and he became upset, and there I wasn't there to him anymore, he thought he was four-years-old, with his mother. And then something horrible happened because he started screaming, and I brought him here."
"What you are saying is that Mr. Kim had a flashback," he summarized, circling him and taking reading with his tricorder, "and you are correct, there is elevated activity in his cerebral cortex consistent with the emergence of repressed memories. Thank you, Mr. Paris, you may go."
"I'm not going anywhere!"
"Mr. Paris," he said, "Mr. Kim is sedated, he won't even know that you are gone."
"But I'll know," protested Tom.
"Doctor," said Kes, emerging from the office with a PADD in her hand, "I don't think it will do the patient any harm if Tom chooses to stay." Tom gave her a grateful smile which she returned
"Very well then, please stay out of our way as we treat the patient, Mr. Paris."
Tom just nodded and sat on the biobed, watching as they took readings and tried to analyze them. He tried to piece together for himself what had happened. Harry was with his mother--it must have been his birth mother--but where were they, and what had happened? He'd once asked Harry, it must have been a year ago now, where he had been adopted from, but Harry hadn't known. Now, it appeared, he did.
When they were through, Kes and the Doctor adjourned to his office to discuss the case, leaving Tom alone with his lover. He walked up next to the bed and took Harry's hand into his own. "Poor Harry," he said, "Everything's just coming down on you all at once isn't it? I know how it feels, to have a stable life ripped out from under you, to feel like you have nothing left to hang on to. But you have me, Harry. You always have me." Tom knew that Harry was still unconscious, but he kept talking anyways, "I never meant to fall in love with you, you know that? I never meant to fall in love with anyone. I guess it just sort of snuck up on me. One day you were just my best friend and then the next, the next day I looked into you eyes--it seemed like for the very first time--and knew I was a goner, knew I had been for quite a while already. I always thought that love was nothing but trouble. I'm glad I was wrong.
"Harry, we're going to get through this, you and I. We're going to get through this and we're going to be stronger than ever, because I plan to love you every day for the rest of my life and beyond. You hear that? We're going to be okay." He didn't hear Kes coming up from behind him until she tapped him on the shoulder and offered him a chair. He smiled at her gratefully.
"I know I won't be able to get you to leave," she said in explanation. He sat down and she rested her hands comfortingly on his shoulders for a moment before going back to her work.
When Harry awoke two hours later, Tom was the first thing he saw. The Captain had been and gone, looking very worried and telling Tom that he could have another few day's leave, but that she couldn't spare him any longer than that. The Doctor had deactivated himself, leaving Kes to tend sickbay. For the most part she had left them alone, coming by every so often to make sure that everything was all right. Her calm, confident presence did wonders to keep Tom pacified as well.
"Tom," he whipered, his face devoid of emotion for a moment, "Tom." And then he smiled, comforted by the fact that Tom was still holding his hand, was still there at all. Tom was so relieved when he saw that, and couldn't stop himself from bending over and giving his love a hug, which was reciprocated in full. "I still remember," he said, "but it seems so far away now..."
"That's the drugs that the Doctor gave you, Harry," said Tom, regretting that he had to tell him that, "They're going to wear off eventually."
"Oh," said Harry, his face falling a bit. He looked intently at Tom, "Were you talking to me, before?"
Tom looked a bit startled and nodded.
"I didn't know...I was afraid I was dreaming. I was afraid you were going to leave now, because..."
"I am not going to leave," he said fiercely, "not now, not ever."
"Good," said Harry, a smile cracking his face once more, "because I don't know what I would do if you did."
Tom could feel Kes hovering in the background, afraid to intrude, so he turned to her and smiled, "It's okay," he said, "we don't bite."
"Except each other," whispered Harry with a smile for his lover.
Kes smiled, amused, and proceeded to take readings of Harry, "I think the Doctor would like you to stay here overnight," she said apologetically, "he's not sure why everything was triggered in you right now, and he'd like to find out."
Harry nodded, "I understand," he said, "Tom...?"
"Of course I'm staying," he said vehemently.
Kes smiled, "I'm going to activate the doctor in about half an hour," she warned them, "to update him on your progress." It was subtly implied that they would have that half an hour to themselves, which was confirmed when Kes left to hole herself up in the office for a while.
"Harry," said Tom softly, "What happened? Where were you?"
Harry took a deep breath, shuddered, and closed his eyes. "Rura Penthe."
Sandrine's just wasn't the same without Tom. It wasn't the first time that B'Elanna had had that thought over the last month, but this time it really hit home. He wasn't off getting in a little private time with Harry, he was busy trying to keep him alive and functioning. She didn't think that everyone felt the way she did--hell, most of them probably didn't even know what had happened--but Sandrine's still felt quieter, more subdued.
"B'Elanna? Voyager to B'Elanna Torres...." B'Elanna looked at her companion and smiled briefly, "Are you with me here?"
B'Elanna leaned back and stretched, "Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about Tom and Harry."
"Ahh," she said sympathetically, "I see. Listen, if you don't want to be here right now, I'll understand..."
"No, no, Tristan. It wouldn't do me much good to sit home and mope right now wondering how they were doing."
"No, I agree, it's much better to sit in the holodeck with a friend and mope, wondering how they're doing," she said, but her tone was gently teasing.
B'Elanna smiled, "I know I'm not a great date tonight. I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for," Tristan reassured her, "As a matter of fact I'm thrilled. Here you are all sad and upset, and here I am just dying to comfort you," she was teasing again, but B'Elanna could hear a note of sincerity in her words. She smiled at her, then looked at the table again.
"You're in and out of sickbay more than I am," she said hesitantly, "have you heard...?"
Tristan sighed, "All I know is that they were released to their quarters today and that they haven't been back yet."
"That's good. Right?"
"Yes, B'Elanna, it's a good sign, " she said, trying to reassure her, "all they need now is time."
"I wish I could be there..."
"But you can't," said Tristan firmly, "Not even the Captain is disturbing them right now. You know that you'll be the first person they'll want to talk to when they're ready. They love you, B'Elanna. Maybe not the way you love them, but they love you all the same."
B'Elanna's head shot up, "How did you--?"
"I'm not blind," she said, "I could tell."
"But you still, I mean, you asked me..."
"And you accepted," she said with a smile, "I'm not naive either, B'Elanna. I know you're not going to suddenly forget them and fall in love with me. But, well, I'm willing to take my time."
B'Elanna felt a sudden rush of affection for the woman sitting next to her. Her friend, someone who had the patience to help her through this, someone who wasn't so committed to someone else that they hardly had time for her any more. "Thanks," she said quietly and there was an intense stillness between them for a moment, before Tristan broke eye contact and reached for her drink.
"Well, do you want another drink, Torres, or are you up for a game of pool." B'Elanna looked up at the table and saw that, for once, there was no one using it.
"You feeling like being trounced, Jansen?" she said, standing up.
"We'll see about that..." She smiled and walked over to the pool table with B'Elanna, hoping that, for at least a little while, she could take B'Elanna's mind off her troubles.
Personal Log, Lieutenant J.G. Harry Kim, stardate xxxxx.xI've never said this before in my whole life, but I think I want to die. I don't know. If it weren't for Tom I know I would already be dead...I can't handle this. I can't! Everything's so confusing...I just can't...
Dammit, I'm trying to talk about it! {bitter laugh} And I though it was hard before...
"Come in," said Janeway when she heard the door to her ready room chime. Tristan Jansen strode in and stood at attention in front of her Captain. "At ease, Lieutenant, have a seat." She did as instructed and relaxed a little more. "I understand that you've been running a genetics experiment with Kes in the airponics bay..."
"Yes, Captain," she said, her eyes brightening at the mention of her pet project, "We've managed to create some hybrids between some original Alpha quadrants plants and the Delta quadrant specimens that we've been bringing back to the ship. They're faster growing and, frankly, they taste a little better."
Janeway laughed at the subtle reference to the quality of Neelix' meals, "That sounds quite promising. How soon can we expect them in our mess hall?"
"Any day now, Captain, we just have to run a few more tests as to nutritional value."
"And I believe that there was also something going on in the Chemistry department...?"
"Yes, Captain, they're doing some testing on the interstellar dust in the various areas we've been passing through and running comparisons to the equivalent areas in the Alpha Quadrant. There have been some intruiging results that seem to point to the make-up of the matter being related to the likelihood of M-class planets in the area."
"Really?" said Janeway, genuinely intrigued, but carefully keeping herself from becoming involved in a scientific discussion with the woman, "Are you involved in that one as well?"
"Not really, Captain, I've only been supervising it. Most of my time is taken up working on genetics and doing some field medic training with the doctor."
"Is there anything else going on in sciences that might be of interest to me?"
"Well," she said with a relaxed smile, "Stellar cartography is up to their ears as usual, but that's the way they like it, I think.. And Jenny Delaney keeps that department in line. Pretty much all of physics have been temporarily reassigned to engineering--I intend to get on Torres' case about that--and there are a few minor projects going on."
"So you pretty much know what's going on in the Science departments?"
"Well, there are only three of us over the rank of ensign, so we try to keep things under control."
"How has the department been running without a department head?"
"Well," said Jansen diplomatically, "I'll admit it would be easier to have one person to report to, but we've been managing things pretty well."
"Well then, thank you for the report, lieutenant," said Janeway, "Dismissed."
"Aye, Captain," she replied, getting up and leaving the ready room. As she walked back to the airponics bay, she wondered just what the meeting had really been about.
Tom waited until Harry was settled back into his quarters, before pushing for any more information. The initial revelation had shocked the both of them, and the doctor had kept Harry sedated for a long while before he was able to remain calm on his own. Tom was in and out of sickbay at all times--in when Harry was lucid and out when he was sedated. In the interim, he discreetly transported most of their things into Harry's quarters. There was just no way he could leave him alone now.
Tom held Harry's hand as he walked him inside, but didn't touch him otherwise. Harry just couldn't handle much of that right now. "Come on in and lie down," he said, "you're still weak, you've been under a lot of stress."
"Tom," said Harry, "You don't need to...mother...me."
Tom laughed, "Mothering is the last thing I want to do right now," he confessed.
Harry smiled, "I guessed as much," he said, "I'm sorry Tom, ever since we've been together, I've been nothing but trouble."
"Harry," said Tom, "listen to me. I've...I've spend so much time on my own. My whole life, people just didn't have time for me, or they just used me and didn't care about me. With you, that's all changed. You care about what I want, and what I say. You're interested in what I do and you don't demand anything that I can't give you. You're everything to me, Harry. Everything. And I will do anything I can to make sure you're happy. Do you understand that?"
"It's...it's a little hard to believe. Especially with all this stuff in my head. Stuff from before. Tom, even if I get really difficult, even if I yell and say things I don't mean, do you promise you'll stay with me?"
"Forever, Harry. Forever." Tom helped Harry into the bed and made sure he was comfortable, then pulled some blankets out of a closet and started making himself a bed on the floor.
"Tom?"
"Get some rest, Harry. I'll be here if you need anything. He set down a couple of pillows and looked down at his creation, "I'm gonna use your desk if that's all right," he said.
Harry thought about it an nodded. He really was exhausted even though, physically, he had hardly exerted himself in a couple of days. Everything was suddenly there. Everything that his mind had hidden from him for so long--he understood now. He understood all of the cryptic comments that his mother had made over the years, the ones that hinted at things they never quite explained. And now he wished that it was all hidden again. Very quickly he drifted back to sleep.
When he awoke, a few hours later, he saw Tom lying on his stomach on his "bed", propped up on his elbows and reading off a PADD. It still felt so natural to have him there. "Hey," he said softly.
Tom looked up at him and smiled, "Hey yourself. How are you doing?"
Harry shrugged, "Okay, I guess. How about you?"
"A little tired, a little strung out, but I've been worse," he answered honestly, sitting up and wrapping the blanket around the lower half of his body, "Are you up up, or do you think you're going to be drifting off again right away?"
"I'm awake," he confirmed after a moment of thought, "when I was asleep, did I...?"
"You slept pretty soundly as far as I could tell," he said, inching his way a bit closer to the bed and reaching back to put the PADD down on Harry's desk, "Did you have any...dreams or anything that you want to talk about?"
Harry shook his head no, "I don't remember any dreams...but I think I'd like to try and talk."
Tom nodded, "Anytime you need to, Har, you know I'm here." Harry reached out to him, and Tom took Harry's hand in his own. Harry was quite for a moment, almost assessing his partner. Gently, Tom stroked the back of Harry's hand with his thumb, trying to soothe and reassure him.
"Blue," said Harry, staring into Tom's eyes, "Your eyes are blue."
Tom grinned, "You just noticed that?"
"They're beautiful," he said, "My mother's eyes were blue."
"Blue?" repeated Tom. Clearly Harry took after his father.
"Blue," said Harry, "and her hair was long and brown," he held Tom's hand tighter, "She was beautiful too, but you could hardly tell most of the time. Everything was dirty. And cold. It was always cold."
"Why don't you tell me about her?" suggested Tom, trying to get Harry to start to focus on his memories.
Harry's brow furrowed in concentration, "She worked, in the prison. I was left with different people all the time. I was born there, I think. It's all I remember from that time..."
"What did she do?"
Harry shook his head and didn't answer the question, "Everything's still mixed up, Tom. It's so hard to put the pieces in place."
"If you need more time, Har, that's fine. The Captain is giving you as much time as you need, you don't need to rush anything." He moved a little closer still when Harry didn't seem to be disturbed by his proximity.
"I don't want to be a burden," he said, "I want to get better as soon as I can and get back to work. After all, there's nothing physically wrong with me."
"That's not entirely true," said Tom, "Your 'injuries' are recognized by the doctor. And, Harry, I really think I should bring this up again. You might need someone--other than me--to talk to about this. Someone who knows how to help you deal with it better."
Harry actually smiled a little, "The Doctor and I have already spoken to Commander Chakotay about counselling me," he told him, "I'll be seeing him tomorrow. I don't know how it's going to work, but I see now that you're right about wanting me to try."
All Tom wanted to do in that moment was hold his lover tightly and tell him that everything was going to be all right. But he couldn't. He just couldn't, "Harry, if you don't want to talk to me...."
"No, no, I do. You're the only person I feel halfway comfortable talking to, and the only person who really needs to know any of this. And I think you do need to know if we're ever going to be, I don't know, whole? Healthy? If you're ever going to be able to deal with me and all my problems."
"All right, Harry, all right," he said softly.
"I was telling you about my mother," said Harry, and Tom nodded, "She was always good to me. She always made sure I had food, and warm clothing, even when she didn't. And she always did try to protect me when they came."
"When who came?" pushed Tom hesitantly.
"Them. The bad men. But sometimes she wasn't there. Sometimes she couldn't protect me," tears were leaking from Harry's eyes again, but he didn't seem on the verge of losing control again, "That's how I got the scar," he said, "they pushed me into some machinery, there was no doctor to fix it." He looked into Tom's eyes again, "How could I have forgotten this? How could I have forgotten all these things?"
"Shh, Harry. I don't know why--the brain does things like that sometimes. Even me--there are gaps of time in my prison stay that I don't remember, that I've blocked out. And they come back sometimes, but not all at once, not like this. It must be very hard for you..."
"It is," said Harry, shivering involuntarily.
"Listen, Har, any time you want to stop, any time you need some more rest, just say the word. Okay?" Harry nodded and closed his eyes.
"You're right, Tom, this is draining me more than I thought it would. Maybe I do need to get some more sleep."
"Sure, Har," Tom pulled the blankets up to Harry's throat and caressed his forehead gently before moving back to his own temporary bed, "Good night, wake me up if you need anything."
"I love you, Tom." His voice was barely audible.
"Oh, Har," whispered Tom, "I love you too.
Tom was awakened in the middle of the night by Harry's muffled cries. He was still sleeping, but he was clearly struggling against something, or someone. He quickly shook Harry's shoulders, trying to wake him. He didn't wake up, but he did stop struggling, and seemed to settle down into a much more relaxed sleep. Tom didn't go back to sleep for the rest of the night, he spent it lying on the floor staring into Harry's face and guarding him from the demons that invaded his sleep.
When Harry woke up, they both got dressed in civvies and Tom walked him over to Chakotay's office. Tom would have thought it would be better for Chakotay to meet Harry in his quarters, but who was he to argue when he didn't know the psychological basis that Chakotay was working from. All he knew was that Harry had said it would be okay and that was enough for him. He held Harry's hand all the way there, and Harry was gripping him tightly whenever there were a lot of people around. Crowds were making him a bit nervous, especially since everyone was looking at them when they passed.
"Are you sure this is okay, that you're ready for this?" he asked him as they reached the door.
Harry nodded slowly, "I trust Chakotay," he said, "and I know...that the longer I put this off...the worse the dreams get."
"Oh, Harry, I wish I could do more."
"You're already everything to me," said Harry, "how could you do more for me than that?"
Tom smiled, "I'm going to go see B'Elanna," he said, "call me when you're through, I'll come and walk you home, okay?"
"Okay," agreed Harry, just as Chakotay let him into the office. Chakotay gave Tom a quick, reassuring smile and then he was on his way before he could drag Harry into his arms and just cry for stress, for fear, for love. For whatever was overwhelming him. It was hard enough to tear himself away from the doorway, knowing what Harry would be going through on the other side, without him. That was why he was going to see B'Elanna, to keep his mind off of it until it was time to take Harry home.
She was just waking up when he got to her quarters, and she made him wait ten minutes while she showered and dressed. "So, are you ready to program some more cutlery and tablecloths?"
She didn't answer, she pulled him into her arms and held him tightly, "I'm sorry you had to wait, but you wouldn't have wanted to get anywhere near me before I woke up completely. How are you?"
"I'm okay," he said, "anxious to get back to work."
"Tom, I haven't seen you in days, and you want to work on a holoprogram?" she asked him incredulously.
"B'Elanna, I...I need to get my mind off of everything..."
She nodded, "How is he?"
"He's okay, I think. Better."
"Good." Tom immediately busied himself on B'Elanna's computer, barely even speaking to her for a few minutes after that.
"Uh, Paris," she said, "I thought we were doing this...together."
He glanced up at her, "So come and help me then."
She sighed, "Paris, this just isn't working this morning. I know what you're going through...do you want to talk?
"Didn't I just say...?"
"I know what you just said," she interrupted, "And I also know that with all the focus on Harry, no one's paid much attention to what it's doing to you. I'm a terrible listener, but do you want to talk to me anyways?"
Tom sagged in relief, "Yeah, B'Elanna, maybe I do. But we can talk while we work," cause that's the only way I'm going to be able to do it without completely breaking down. She sat down next to him and merely observed what he was doing for a few moments, watching him make minute adjustments to what they had already programmed. The terminal showed a three dimensional image of what they were doing, but the real test would be perfecting it in the holodeck.
"So how are you holding up?" she asked him.
"All right, I guess. I haven't really gotten much sleep lately."
"How come?"
He frowned and adjusted something, "Harry has a lot of nightmares--most of them don't wake him up but they wake me up. And I calm him until they stop."
"I don't think it's as simple as you make it sound."
"It's not," he admitted, punching a few buttons, "There's a lot of other stuff that I'm feeling, too."
"Like?"
Tom stopped punching buttons and looked at her, trying to answer, "Do you really want to know this stuff, B'Ela, or are you just being nice?"
"Both," she answered promptly, the hesitated, "I want to be a part of your life, Tom Paris, and if this is the part that I'm going to play then so be it. I want to be here for you...as long as you can indulge me when I need to break a few things."
Tom smiled, but it was more to himself than to her, "I'm scared," he admitted softly, "I'm scared that this is going to change him so much that we won't have what we had before. People have done some pretty awful things to him...I know what that's like..."
"What do you mean?"
Tom stopped, "I can only tell you about me," he warned her, "I can't tell you anything about him. If he chooses to tell you, then that's his business, but I can't make that decision for him."
She nodded, "Can you at least tell me what happened?"
"I guess that won't hurt any, it's bound to get around the ship...Harry began getting flashbacks to when he was little, before he was adopted. It...wasn't pretty."
"I guess not," she said softly, "I always thought of him as pure, untouched."
"Yeah, so did I. That's why I'm scared that he's going to change--because maybe I didn't know him before. Maybe he'll decide that after all that, he doesn't need someone like me in his life after all. I woudn't blame him, really..."
"Tom," said B'Elanna, "Tom, don't do this. Don't start getting down on yourself just when Harry needs you the most. He's still Harry Kim, he's still the man you love, don't start pulling yourself away on the very unlikely chance that he'll start pushing. That's the last thing he needs, the last thing."
Tom yawned involuntarily, "You're right, B'Ela. I know that, in my heart. I know that I can't survive without him anymore."
"Do you really mean that?"
He grinned at her a bit sheepishly, "Yeah, I do. Imagine that, eh? My days as Tom Paris, love 'em and leave 'em are over. The terror of Sandrine's has gone and fallen in love."
"I really am happy for you," she said, trying to put enthusiasm in her voice.
He stood up suddenly and pulled her into a big hug, "B'Elanna, you're one of my best friends and even when you're calling me a pig, I don't know what I would do without you either. I never meant to hurt you...please, B'Ela...I don't say this often, but I need you right now..."
"You've got me," she whispered, "you've got me." Then she chuckled through the tears she never showed him, "We're never going to finish this program, are we."
"Sure we are," said Tom, still holding her, "it might just take a little longer than we thought."
Precisely two hours after he dropped him off, Harry signalled Tom to come back and pick him up from Chakotay's office. He looked like hell, flushed with tearstreaks running down his face and rumpled clothing. Tom's eyes shot up to meet Chakotay's, full of unabashed concern. Chakotay just stood there, a neutral look on his face, and Tom vowed to speak with him later. He knew the Commander wouldn't divulge anything they'd talked about, but he could at least warn Tom about what to expect.
"Ready to go home?" he asked Harry, taking his hand.
"Yeah," said Harry, "I'm exhausted." They walked hand- in-hand back through the corridors to Harry's quarters. Well, their quarters really. He hadn't gone to the Captain to make it official, but it was pretty much a given that now he'd set up shop there, he wouldn't be leaving again. "You gonna tuck me in?" Harry teased him when they got there.
Tom smiled, "Love to," he said as Harry stripped down and put on something loose and comfortable to sleep in. Tom, too, decided that he should grab a couple more hours of sleep while he could, and just stripped down to his underwear, crawling into his makeshift bed.
"Tom," said Harry hesitantly.
"Yeah?"
"Tom, I don't want to do anything, but maybe if you were here, with your arms around me, maybe the dreams wouldn't be so bad."
Tom looked reluctant, "Or maybe it would make them worse. Are you sure about this, Har?"
"Yeah, for right now. Please?" Tom crawled into the bed behind Harry and put his arms around him. Very quickly, they both fell asleep. Again, Tom was awoken by Harry, not by a sound but by a punch to his stomach.
He gasped and his eyes flew open, but Harry was still asleep even though he seemed to be struggling with something. Carefully he stroked Harry's forehead and cheek until the twisted hurt and rage and fear etched on his face began to smooth out. When Harry was again sleeping soundly, Tom silently began to cry. That's twice now he thought, but that didn't stop him. It was just too damn alien, to damn frightening. When it was himself, it was different, he could handle it. But when it was Harry, he was completely helpless to make it all better.
Eventually, he did manage to fall asleep again, holding Harry close, and didn't wake up until he hear someone signal at the door. His mind still blurred by sleep he said, as clearly as he could, "Enter," and got out of the bed, making sure that a blanket was covering him from the waist down. B'Elanna came in, Tristan close behind her.
"Ummmm, you did say come in, didn't you?" she said.
"The door wouldn't have opened otherwise," he said, rubbing his eyes moving a little closer, "What's going on?"
"Tom," B'Elanna went on, "What if it hadn't been me at the door? What if it had been someone else? Would you have answered it like that?"
"Sure," he said, "Unless you think I could have done without the blanket..." he managed to grin half-heartedly. B'Elanna sighed and shook her head; Tristan just laughed. "So what are you doing here?"
"We were just wondering," said B'Elanna, "If you two wanted--if you were up to it that is--to.."
"Do you and Harry want to go to Sandrine's with us?" asked Tristan, shaking her head at B'Elanna in exasperation, "Just for an hour or so."
"You mean like a double date?" asked Tom slyly.
B'Elanna smiled, "Yeah, something like that," she admitted.
Tom took a quick look back towards the bedroom, "I don't think so," he said, "I don't think Harry is really up to it yet. Actually, I don't know if I am either." He shifted his weight from one foot to the other nervously.
B'Elanna looked at him with barely concealed worry, "At least you look like you got some sleep..."
"Yeah, a little," he said.
"Tom," came Harry's voice from the bedroom door, "You don't need to stay here because of me. I think I can manage just fine for an hour or so if you want to go out."
"No, it's okay, Har. I'll stay with you."
Harry shook his head, "You've been worrying yourself sick about me. B'Elanna, Tristan, take him out with you and make sure he has a good time. Tom, I'll be here when you get back, I'll probably be sleeping."
"No, I can't leave you here alone. I mean it."
"That's my decision to make too," protested Harry.
"Tom," put in Tristan, "it's not good for you to coop yourself up in here all the time. You need to get out."
"Tom, I'll be sleeping, and I agree with Tristan," said Harry with finality.
"Harry," protested Tom, looking for a way to stay, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure," he said, a little sleepily, turning back into the bedroom. Tom followed him in, "One hour, Harry," he said, pulling the covers back over him, "One hour and I promise I'll be back." He kissed him on the forehead and pulled some casual clothing on, nothing dressy at all.
"All right," he told the pair of women at his door, "I'm coming. But just for an hour, understand?"
"Sure," said Tristan, giving him a generous smile and reaching out a hand to him, "We just wanted you to relax a little. B'Ela told me that you needed it."
"Well, she's right," he admitted, "I just don't know if I'm going to get it." Putting a convincing smile on his face, he followed the two of them to Holodeck 2 and, steeling himself with a deep breath, walked in. It was no different than he remembered it, it just felt different. Felt different because Harry wasn't there, because Harry was the first person he had ever shown it too, back when they didn't even realize what their feelings would become. Different because he didn't feel like the same Tom Paris anymore, even though he looked the part.
"Tom?" said Tristan, shaking his arm, "Are you all right?"
"Yeah, sure," he said, "Just breathing in the atmosphere, it's been a little while."
"It's only been a few days," protested B'Elanna.
"Feels like a lot longer," he said under his breath, "A lot longer."
"You up for a game of pool, Tom?" asked Tristan, gesturing towards the nearly deserted table.
"Feeling like you have a few replicator rations too many?" teased Tom tensely. He ended up losing. Twice. And then he decided that it was time to leave, and to leave the two ladies alone for a while. He knew damn well how B'Elanna felt and if the situation were different, he might have taken her up on it, but his life had changed rather profoundly in the last little while. Not to mention that it was also quite clear how taken Tristan was with B'Elanna.
"Want us to walk you back?" said B'Elanna.
"Nope," he said, "I think I'd like a little private time with Harry if you don't mind." He winked at her and began to turn away when she grabbed his arm.
"Tom," she said, "believe it or not, I'm your friend. You don't have to do this."
"I'm not doing it for you," he said, pulling his arm away and leaving the holodeck.
Five minutes later Tom walked back into Harry's quarters and gasped at the sight that awaited him. Furniture was broken and overturned, clothes were strewn everywhere. The painting that he had gotten on Eltikk Prime was on the floor smashed. And Harry sat shaking in a distant, dark corner. Curbing his panic, he moved slowly towards his lover, "Harry?" he said softly, "Harry, it's me, Tom. It's Tom."
"Tom," said Harry blankly, then cried out, "Tom!" And leapt to his feet, clutching his lover tightly.
"Harry, what happened? Do you want to go back to sickbay?" Tom looked at him, his eyes wild with fear and concern.
"No...no sickbay. I'm fine." Harry was shivering in Tom's arms his head buried in the fabric on Tom's chest.
"Fine, Harry? You're not fine. What happened?" He moved the two of them over towards Harry's couch where they could sit down; he wasn't sure how much longer Harry would be able to stand.
"I don't...remember."
"Don't lie to me..."
"Tom, please, I really don't know why I did it. I was just scared, and angry, and a lot of things. I just wanted to..I don't know what I wanted. I just, I just did it."
"What set it off, Harry, it's okay, you can tell me." Gently he brushed the bangs out of Harry's eyes and looked at him intensely.
He looked down and wrung his hands, "Just some stuff, I saw some more stuff and it scared me. I just don't know when this is going to end."
"Oh, Har, I wish I could tell you. I wish I could tell you that it's already over, but I don't know..."
Harry sighed loudly, "Sometimes I think it's never going to end."
"Well, it is. It will end, Harry. I can promise you that." Hesitantly he reached out for Harry's hand, and Harry grabbed it gratefully. "There are only so many things to remember, and--I think--you've already been through the worst."
Harry nodded reluctantly, "Yeah, I think so," he said softly.
"Do you want to talk about it...with me?"
"This time it was just a fight. There were a lot of guys there--a lot more guys than women--and they were...they were fighting over my mother. One of them, he stabbed the other and then...and then he grabbed my mother. He took me out of her arms and then he just threw me on the ground. And she...she went with him, willingly, like she always did. And I was just left there all alone..."
Tom used his thumbs to brush the tears away from Harry's eyes, "Oh, Harry," was all he could say.
"That's what she was, she was a whore. At least now I know where I get it from."
"Harry, no!" said Tom, a little too emphatically. He softened his voice, "No, that's not what you are. I can't speak for her, but you did what you did to protect me. You had to do it, I would have died otherwise. I wish it hadn't happened, Harry, but it's something you did to save my life and I have to be grateful for that."
"The why doesn't it feel like that, huh? Why does it feel like I'm a worthless burden?" Harry leapt to his feet and kicked over a table that Tom had just righted. Tom leapt to his feet too and put his arms around his lover to calm and still him.
"Harry, whoa Harry," he said soothingly, "You're forgetting something. You're forgetting that you're everything to me, that I love you. I love you!" That was Harry's cue to burst into irrational tears and sob against Tom's chest. Tom held him for what seemed like forever before they began to subside, then he lifted him up and brought him into the bedroom, settling him into the bed and tucking him in. He slumped down in a chair next to the bed and put his head on his heads. He needed someone and he needed someone right now. What he wanted to do was call B'Elanna, but she was out with Tristan and besides, she couldn't really help him. He knew who he should call, he just wasn't really comfortable with the prospect.
"Paris to Chakotay," he said with a sigh.
"Chakotay here."
"Are you busy, Commander?"
"Not too busy. What is it, Paris?"
"Would you be able to meet me in Harry's quarters?"
"I'm on my way. Chakotay out."
Tom had heard the noise of Sandrine's in the background, could imagine Chakotay deserting the Captain at the pool table regretfully, could even see the look on his face. He had no idea how he was going to talk to him, but he knew it was the right--the only--thing he could do. The door signal went off only minutes later. "Come in."
Chakotay walked purposefully into the room and looked around, "What is it, Paris? Where is he? What happened here?"
Tom went over and picked up the table again, "It was a mistake for me to go out and leave him here, I should never have let him insist."
"What happened?" repeated Chakotay, looking at the mess incredulously, "Did Harry do this?"
"Yeah, while I was at Sandrine's. I should have been here." Chakotay seemed to clue in to what was happening here--it wasn't Harry who needed to talk, it was Tom.
"How do you think you would have changed things if you were here? Harry is going to have these flashbacks whether you are here or not."
"If I was here it wouldn't have gotten so bad, he wouldn't have trashed his quarters."
"Maybe, maybe not," said Chakotay, "maybe he would have taken it out on you and felt even worse. Maybe it was actually better that you weren't here. There's no way that you can know."
"I guess," said Tom, working to right Harry's desk. Chakotay walked over and helped him with it.
"Is he asleep again?"
"Yeah, just a few minutes ago. He was crying pretty hard, it must have really drained him." Brushing off his hands, he walked over to the couch and sat down. Chakotay followed him there and sat as well.
"Yeah, there have been a lot of things putting pressure on him lately, but I think this is the last of it."
Tom looked at Chakotay for a long moment. Chakotay was good at what he did, at helping the crew on top of his responsibilities as First Officer. He wouldn't be biased when it came to this, no matter what he thought of the person who was talking to him. And Tom needed to say some things. So he concluded again that he really had no choice. "I'm scared of who he'll be when this is all over. Will he still be the same Harry Kim?"
"Everybody changes, Tom. Everybody goes through things in their life that change them, but that doesn't mean the they're a different or a worse person. You did, I did. Harry isn't as innocent as he was a month ago, and that's probably going to show, but he's still the same person."
"Look what he did to his quarters? Does that seem like Harry to you?" Tom made a sweeping gesture across the room.
"He's hurting, Tom, he's hurting a lot. I know I don't need to tell you that."
"You know what he asked me today? He said 'Is it ever going to end?' and I didn't know what to tell him. Yes, it's going to end, but I don't know when. No one does. It might end tomorrow, it might take years. I couldn't do a damn thing to make him feel better."
"Just you being there makes him feel better, Tom. Having someone to talk to, to listen to, to hold him when he breaks down. If you weren't there for him right now, he wouldn't be coping nearly as well as he is."
"He's coping well?"
Chakotay sighed, "In the maquis, I saw people--adults-- who had been through less and they completely broke down for a while. Couldn't even function. So yes, I'd say Harry is doing remarkably well and I think we have you to thank for most of it."
"I...I don't know what to say," said Tom, "There's one thing that I need to ask your advice on. Harry's mother..." Chakotay nodded his head, and Tom assumed that Harry had already told him that part of his story, "...and after what he had to do on Akriteria. I'm afraid of what that connection will do to him."
"I wish I had an answer to that, but really Harry just needs to see that what he did was necessary and that it doesn't reflect on who he is as a person."
"That's what I've been trying to do..."
"Then you're doing the right thing," Chakotay hesitated before going on, "Didn't you go through something similar...in New Zealand...?"
Tom looked at him warily, "I brought you here to talk about Harry, Commander, not me. The answer is yes, I've shared some of that with Harry, but that is between us."
"Fair enough, Tom. You know...you know that the doctor has been monitoring these quarters, right?"
Tom nodded, "I suspected as much."
"If Harry had been in any danger of harming himself, you would have been notified."
"I...I hadn't thought of that. But Harry was in such a state when I arrived...how could the Doctor leave him like that?"
"Because there's only so much he can do, the rest Harry has to do on his own. He wasn't in any physical danger apparently, so the Doctor let him work through it on his own."
"But he didn't work through it on his own!" prostested Tom, "When I got here..."
"Well then maybe next time he will," said Chakotay calmly, "Was there anything else...?"
Tom thought about it and shook his head, "No, I'm all right now. Go on back to Sandrine's...your lady awaits.."
Chakotay glared at him as he got up, then his look softened, "I know you know, Paris, but this is hard enough without your wisecracks..."
"Sorry," he said sincerely, "I know how it feels."
Chakotay turned around as he reached the door, "Good- night, Tom."
"Good-night," he replied as the door began to slide shut. Heaving a sigh, he undressed and slid into the bed beside Harry, hoping that was what he wanted, hoping it would do more good than harm. Very quickly he fell asleep, and for once he wasn't woken until morning.
Paris walked up the the Captain's ready room nervously- -he felt like everyone's eyes were on him, even though he knew they weren't. He felt horribly conspicuous, being on the bridge out of uniform. Even when he had only been an observer on this ship, he had still been in uniform. The only times he hadn't were when he was called away from doing something else, and those times at least he was working. Right now he was on the bridge, in civilian clothing, and rarely had he felt so out of place.
"Come in, Mr. Paris," the Captain's voice floated out to him, and he stepped across the threshold into her office, "have a seat." He would have followed that imperative whether she had given it or not. "How are you feeling?"
"Me? I feel fine," he lied.
"And how is Harry doing?"
"Um, better, I think. He's alone right now and I think he's doing okay."
"He's been home for three days now, is anything starting to change?"
"A lot of things," he admitted, "He's talking more, doing things for himself. He slept all the way through last night--jeez, I sound like I'm talking about an infant here." He grinned self-consciously.
"Tom," she said seriously, "I think we need to consider putting you back on duty then. Half-shifts, like we agreed."
"I...I've been expecting this, Captain. I'd feel better if I knew that he wasn't alone, but that's my problem and not his."
"So can you start back tomorrow?"
"Um, yes, yes I can," he smiled at her, "It'll be nice to be flying Voyager again, I've missed it."
"Well, we've missed you on the bridge, Tom. Both of you. I'm hoping that a week or two from now we can get Harry back on duty again--Chakotay says he'll probably be up to it, especially if we make sure you two are on the same shift for the first while."
"Are you sure he'll be ready?"
She sighed, "I don't know, we'll have to see. Mr. Paris, I'll see you on the bridge tomorrow."
"Captain," he said before she could dismiss him, "Can I ask you a couple of questions?"
"Ask away, Tom, but I won't guarantee that I can answer them."
"Do you have access to Harry's adoption records?"
"I've already looked, Tom, and I don't have much. And what I do have is only accessible to Harry and his immediate family," she sighed again,"I knew you'd be coming to me about this eventually, so I put together the things I thought you needed to know them most. It's not precisely proper, but considering that you're the closest thing to family that Harry has I made the ethical choice to share this with you."
"Thank you, Captain," he said, his gratitude evident.
"He was adopted from the Federation Child Amnesty Organization--all children were removed from Klingon and Romulan prison colonies as per the Treaty of Herenon. Adoption was sometime in 2354, the date isn't recorded here, to Margaret and Donald Kim. Name before adoption: Harry McKay. Both birth parents are deceased, his mother of natural causes and his father while trying to escape," She looked skeptical at both the explanations, "That's about all I have for you, Tom."
"That's more than I was expecting you to have."
"That's what was in the sealed adoption record coded into his confidential file. Any other information would be in the Federation database, which we unfortuntely don't have access to."
"How much of this does Harry know?"
"I have no idea," she said honestly, "All I can tell you is that I am the first person to access this information, and he hasn't requested any of it from me."
"Captain, do you think I should share this with him?"
"That's your call now, Tom. But if you're asking for my advice, I would suggest that you not offer it, but if he asks you shouldn't hold back."
"Thank you, Captain, I think that's all I need to know right now."
She stood up at the same time as he did, "Good luck, Tom, I'll see you tomorrow. Dismissed."
"Aye, Captain."
Tom couldn't help but feel awkward being back on the bridge, hearing orders being called out to Powell instead of Kim. Oh, he had certainly worked with other people at the ops station before--naturally he and Harry weren't always on the same shift--but it still felt awkward, and he didn't think it was just him. The whole bridge felt odd, just the tiniest bit tense as though people were walking on eggshells around him. It did little but make him feel more isolated from everyone.
But he made it though the shift. And the one after that. And once Harry started going out on his own again he went back on full shifts, although the atmosphere still felt tense around him. Powell was competent, but he just didn't have the drive and the instincts that Harry did. Not to mention the personality. He didn't have any choice, he worked with him and made sure he was still a valuable part of the senior staff. It was all he could do.
"Tom," asked B'Elanna from the doorway, "Did you want to join me tonight?"
Tom turned to look at Harry, who was sitting at his desk working on something, "Harry, you feel up to going out tonight?"
Harry shook his head without looking up, "I'm meeting Chakotay in about a half an hour. Maybe next time."
"Oh, that's right," said Tom, "Mind if I go?"
"No, not at all," said Harry, still not looking up. Tom walked over to him, sliding his arms around his neck and kissing the top of his head.
"I promise not to be late," he whispered, "How long are you planning on spending with Chakotay?"
"Two hours, give or take. Same as always."
"Well then," said Tom, "See you in two or three hours." He kissed his hair again, and then went back to the door and B'Elanna. "All right, let's go," he said, and they left the quarters together.
"You're not out with Tristan tonight?"
"Contrary to popular belief, Paris, I do not spend all my time with Lieutenant Jansen," she retorted with a hint of amusement.
"Oh? And why not?"
B'Elanna shrugged, "Because I have a life? Because she's on duty right now?"
"Ahhh," said Tom knowingly.
"So it's been almost two weeks now. How is he?"
Tom sighed, "He's fine, most of the time. Going back on duty tomorrow and I guess that means that everything will be back to normal, if there is such a thing."
"Tom? Do you want to go somewhere else?"
"No, not at all, sorry to bother you with petty little details from my life," he sounded cheerful, but he looked awful.
"No way, Tom, you're not pulling that shit on me. What's the matter?"
"Can it wait until we're sitting down?" he said, wincing a bit.
"I guess," she replied as they reached the holodeck doors and entered the shadowy atmosphere of Sandrine's, "Follow me." She led him around to the left side of the bar, opposite to the pool table, and sat down there, "So talk to me...or do you want a drink first?"
"You're going to get mad."
"I am not going to get mad, Paris," she said, banging a fist into the table, "Now talk."
"You know what the relationship with Harry and I was like before, right?"
"As well as anyone."
"Well, it was nice, it was comfortable, lots of companionship, lots of sex..."
"This isn't about sex is it?"
"No, this is not about sex," he retorted, "When Harry...when this all began, I started saying some things, a lot of stuff about how I feel, really emotional stuff, and it seemed really safe at the time. He just accepted it because it was what he needed to hear. But now that he's almost better, I'm afraid he's going to start making me deal with the stuff I said."
"Did you mean the stuff you said?"
"Well, yeah, I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it."
"Then what's the problem?"
"The problem? B'Ela, I've never said stuff like that to anyone before. I don't know how to deal with it. I mean, we're a long way past the beginning-of-the relationship I-love-you-forever type stuff. This was real."
She sighed in exasperation, "Paris, you're being an idiot. Harry isn't like anyone else you've dated before, so things are going to be new for you. You just can't deal with the fact that..."
"...that I'm in love. For the first time."
"What are you afraid of?"
"I don't know. Afraid that he doesn't feel the same. Afraid that I'll change, that he'll change, that everything will change. The moment I said that stuff, it changed things."
"Yes, it did, and you can't change it back now. And I, for one, can't imagine why you would want to."
"I don't want to. I just know that we're going to talk about it. And we're going to say a lot of things. And after that, there's no turning back anymore."
"So you're losing your safety net. That's what you're saying?"
"Yeah, that's what I'm saying," he admitted.
"Hate to tell you this, Paris, but it's been gone for a while," he looked a little startled at the statement, "I know you haven't been thinking about it, but look at what you've done for him in the past two weeks. You're living with him, or didn't you notice. Talking about it, it's just a formality."
"It's a formality that scares the hell out of me."
"Well, as long as you realize just what it is, that it's nothing more. There's no one on this ship who doesn't know that the two of you are together now. Backing out because of nerves isn't really an option. You love him, and you know it, and he does too. So stop being scared and start being happy. You deserve it."
He smiled, "Okay, now I could use that drink."
She stood up to get them something, "One last thing, Tom. For once in your life, just be honest--with him and with yourself." He nodded and said nothing as she left the table, and nothing again as she returned with two drinks for them. He had said his piece, and now he had a lot to think about.
"So, should I ask you about Tristan now?" he teased her after taking a few sips of his drink, "I've been a little caught up in my own little world for the last while, I've been neglecting my B'Ela." He ran his forefinger along her cheek as he said that, and she slapped his hand away playfully.
"Keep that up and I'll never get over you, flyboy, and I doubt you want to put up with me clawing on yours and Harry's door every time I get in the mood." Tom grinned and half shook his head, "So knock it off then!"
"From the time you've been spending with her, I would have thought you'd be wanting to scratch on Tristan's door!"
"Tom, just because I'm dating someone does not mean that I'm sleeping with them."
"You aren't?" he said, genuinely surprised.
"No, I am not," she said emphatically, and Tom couldn't help but wonder if that wasn't a bit of frustration in her voice, "Not yet, at any rate," she added, "I don't know--I don't think I've ever been the romantic type."
Tom laughed out loud, "Now that's an understatement!" She swatted at him again, but didn't connect.
"Give it a rest, Paris, or I'll start teasing you and I'll have you know I can be merciless."
"Like when you were pumping Harry for details about or sex life? Yeah, I'd call that merciless. Poor boy, caught in the clutches of a horny Klingon..." The punch that flew at him that time definitely connected with his shoulder, "Ow, B'Ela, that hurt."
"It was supposed to. How the hell do you know what Harry and I talk about?"
"You embarassed the hell out of him, B'Ela, of course he told me what happened. And asked me to be with him the next time so that I could field all of your questions." He looked at B'Elanna intensely, and she could tell that he wasn't really mad.
"I did get some juicy details," she said, licking her lips, "I didn't know some of that stuff was anatomically possible."
"What?"
"Just kidding," and she smiled ferally, "Come on, Paris, I'll have you a game of pool."
Two games and two losses later, Tom decided that he needed another drink and sauntered up to Sandrine to get it. "Tommy," she said, puckering her lips and blowing a kiss in his direction, "you have been gone too much lately. Don't you miss your Sandrine?"
He picked up her hand and kissed the back of it, "You know where I've been..."
"In the bedroom, like always," she finished for him, "some things, they never change."
"Can I get a glass of white wine?" he asked her, "something to sooth the hurt of losing yet another game of pool. I never should have taught these people how to play."
Sandrine just smiled and poured his wine, "Would you like a second glass for that handsome young friend of yours?"
Tom shook his head, "He's not here, Sandrine, he hasn't been here in a while. Haven't you noticed?"
"Sure he is here, look behind you," she said motioning with her chin. Tom whirled around and indeed, Harry was standing just inside the doorway alongside Tristan Jansen, who had come, still in uniform. His jaw nearly dropped, but Harry spotted him quickly and came right over, "See, what did I tell you," said Sandrine to no one in particular, and without having to ask she poured another glass of wine.
"Harry," said Tom, "what are you doing here?"
Harry smiled, "Something came up so Chakotay had to go meet with Captain Janeway, and I ran into Tristan on my way back to our quarters. She convinced me to give this a try, just for a little while. And you know what? It feels pretty good to be back here."
"Well, I am very, very glad to see you," said Tom and, placing a hand on the back of Harry's neck, he kissed him deeply. Harry had said our quarters. Our quarters. When he turned back to the bar, Sandrine was gone, but the two glasses of wine were still there. He picked them up and handed one of them to Harry. He raised his own glass in a toast, "To us," he said, "May we last forever and beyond."
Harry smiled, "I'll drink to that," he said as they clinked glasses then drank from them, "let's find B'Elanna and Tristan," he went on, "Tristan's got some news I think you might be interested in."
They were just off to the side of the pool table, leaning against one of the tables there, deep in conversation. Tom walked up to them and they turned to look at him, "So what's this I hear about news...?"
Tristan grinned broadly, "Guess who just got out of a meeting with the Captain? And guess who has just been named Chief Science Officer of this ship?"
"That's great!" he exclaimed, and felt Harry's arm come around his waist.
"Well, I wasn't surprised," said B'Elanna grandly, "You do keep an finger in almost everything that goes on down there."
"Well I was. And I'm thrilled," admitted Tristan, "but remember, it means that you have to put up with my ramblings at the senior officers' meetings from now on..."
"Well, I'm sure it will be a lot more interesting than Tuvok's security reports," put in Harry, "doesn't anyone on this ship ever do anything wrong?"
Tom looked at him and raised an eyebrow, "You know, Harry, it wasn't all that long ago that you..."
Harry blushed, "Well, that was an exception," he admitted and the other three laughed.
"So what ever happened to that holodeck program that you and B'Elanna were supposed to be working on?" said Tristan to Tom, conversationally.
Tom and B'Elanna looked at one another, "It's getting there," said Tom, ignoring B'Elanna's skeptical look, "A few more days and we may be ready to try it out."
"Well that sounds promising," said Tristan, "though knowing you two I'm wondering just what it might be a program of."
"You'll see," said Tom with a mischievous look, "I think you're going to like it." Harry leaned over and whispered something in Tom's ear and Tom turned an interesting shade of pink. "Well, it's been grand, ladies, but I think it's time for us to head home."
B'Elanna winked at them, "Don't forget, boys, I want details..."
"B'Ela! That's awful," said Tristan, but she, too, was smiling at the thought.
"Aw, make some of your own," retorted Tom and they turned to leave. Oh, B'Elanna was going to get him for that...
Harry's hands began to roam Tom's body before they even got back to their quarters. Tom laughed in delight as he felt himself pressed up against the wall of the turbolift and felt Harry's tongue slip inside his mouth, silencing him. "Harry?" he managed to say finally, "What are you doing?"
"It hasn't been that long," whispered Harry in his ear, then gently bit his neck. The turbolift stopped, so Tom didn't have a chance to ask any more questions before they got back to their quarters. As the door slid shut behind them, Harry untucked Tom's shirt and smoothly slid his hands up Tom's back.
"Whoa, Harry," said Tom, "not that I'm not dying for it, but why now when you haven't wanted to do anything for two weeks?"
Harry sighed and pulled his hands away from Tom's body, "I was hoping you wouldn't ask," he admitted, "I was hoping you would just accept it."
"Well, I'm asking," said Tom gently, taking Harry's hands and slowly backing towards the edge of the bed where he sat down.
"I...you know who--what--my mother was. And you know how I feel about what I had to do in prison," he began, not able to meet Tom's eyes. "Well I've been thinking about it- -a whole lot. And I talked about it with Chakotay. And...Tom, I love you. There's no one else I want to be with, ever again, and I need to prove that."
"To me?"
"Maybe to myself. I think I need to prove to myself again that sex doesn't have to be dirty, that it can be a thing of love."
"Oh, Harry," he whispered.
"I still feel awful about it all, I still doubt just who I am sometimes, but I have faith in you. You're there for me, Tom. You're always there for me no matter what awful things I tell you, and I need to love you. Now."
Tom kissed him softly, trying not to rush the act. It had been a while, considering how much they used to do it, before. Even though he sometimes wondered if Harry had enjoyed it, if he really felt comfortable with it. It was Harry who deepened the kiss, Harry who began to unbutton Tom's shirt and pull it away from his chest.
The pace remained slow, pulling one piece of clothing off after another and dropping them to the floor until they were lying naked together on top of the bed. They gently touched and stroked and kissed everywhere, reacquainting themselves with the other's body and finding again all the lines and marks and crevices that they had quickly grown to love. Tom kissed a line along Harry's collarbone from one shoulder to the other and back again, then kissed lower down his chest, taking one nipple into his mouth and biting down on it gently.
Harry moaned and gripped Tom's shoulders pulling his lips back up to his own, kissing them fervently. Hands still roamed as their lips connected again and again, soft and hard, hesitant and bold. Gently Harry moved his body up and down, back and forth, rubbing them together. The heat between them rose and Tom let out an incoherent sound of pleasure.
"I love you," whispered Harry as his hands drifted down Tom's back to part his cheeks and stroke down between them. He kissed him again, his tongue sliding between Tom's lips and tracing the edge of his teeth before withdrawing. He pressed just the tip on one finger inside Tom and was rewarded with a small moan. He watched Tom's eyes as they fluttered shut and his head as it tilted back slightly, their breaths coming harshly already.
"Slow down," breathed Tom, "slow down, Har, I want this to last." Harry complied by not increasing his activity, but he still wiggled the finger further and further inside. Tom leaned back foward and kissed Harry's eyelids closed, kissed his forehead, kissed his hair. "I changed my mind," he whispered, "Don't stop, don't ever stop." Harry's response this time was to pull out altogether and Tom's eyes flew open in surprise until he felt the finger return, this time lubricated. His eyes closed again as he let out a low moan.
"You like that, don't you," whispered Harry softly, sounding almost surprised, "I always thought you liked being in me better, but you really like this."
"Only when it's you, Har. Only when it's you." A few moments later Harry slipped another finger in and began thrusting them in and out with both of them. "Oh God," he blurted out, gasping slightly. He finally remember that he too had lips and hands and began using them on his lover, teasing the skin on his chest with both. His lips ended up resting against Harry's neck and his hands squeezed between their torsos to stroke Harry's erection and, by proximity, his own.
Harry had inserted a third finger and continued to finger-fuck him, harder and faster as his own arousal grew. "Turn around," he whispered urgently and Tom was more than willing to comply. Releasing their very solid erections his shifted his body so that he was facing away from his lover and waited the few long moments between when Harry removed his fingers and when he inserted something larger.
He couldn't help it, he cried out at the first thrust and reached down for his own erection but Harry beat him to it and began stroking him at a slow pace to match his own thrusts. Tom let himself go; he relaxed and let Harry do all the work, bringing him closer and closer to orgasm. He almost lost it when Harry began gently biting him on the neck but fought it off until Harry's thrusts were frantic and they were both crying out with each one.
"Tom," he whispered, "Oh gods, Tom..." They both knew it was coming and coming fast and when it did Harry just held them tightly together, barely moving at all as they rode it out.
"That was incredible," said Tom when he regained the ability to speak.
"That," said Harry, running his tongue around the edge of Tom's ear, "was just the beginning..."
"Tom," said Harry, his arms curled around his lover in bed, "There's something I want to talk about, something I should tell you before I go back on duty tomorrow."
Tom shifted his body around so that they were facing one another, "What is it, Har?" He reached out and reflexively brushed the hair out of Harry's eyes.
"It's what I saw that day on the bridge, when it all started."
"You mean you remembered, all along?"
Harry nodded his head reluctantly and before he even began to speak he began to cry. "I saw them kill her, Tom. I saw them kill my mother."
"Oh my God, Har," he said, holding him tighter, "How...?"
"They were fighting and...I don't know why, but they were fighting and she was screaming and then one of them shoved me out of the way. Then another one held her arms and, he had a knife Tom, he had a huge knife and he..."
"It's all right, you're safe, you can let it out now."
"He stabbed her over and over again. He just wouldn't stop until she was dead!"
"Harry, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. After everything that happened to you..."
"I know it's over now. I know in my head it's over now. But Tom, what they did to her after they killed her..." He was shaking again, like he always did when the memories overcame him, "...it makes me sick thinking about it, even now."
Harry didn't have to spell it out, Tom figured out pretty quickly what he was saying and a wave of nausea overcame him. Not for the first time, it occurred to him that incarceration in a Federation rehabilitation colony really hadn't been that bad. He held Harry as he shook and cried, not in an uncontrolled way but in a way that let out all the hurt and fear he had been holding in. "Harry," he said, speaking his lovers name over and over again, bringing him back to the present, back to the Starship Voyager, back to Tom, "Harry."
"I know it's a long time ago. I know it was. But I can still see it, in my mind. I can still see the whole thing. I wish I couldn't, I wish I could forget again. But if I forgot again, then I wouldn't remember her anymore. And I want to remember her--but not like that."
"Then remember something else about her," said Tom softly, "tell me another story, Harry. Tell me about her."
Harry sat there in silence for a few moments, thinking about it, tears springing to his eyes again if they could even have been said to have stopped at all. "There was one time," he said finally, "where all the men had gone off to work and she had hidden with me, off in a little cubbyhole. She wrapped us both up in blankets and then she started telling me stories, about space, about Earth, about anything that came to mind. I don't remember much about the stories now, but I remember how I felt when she was telling me them. All warm and safe and happy."
"Remember her like that, Harry. Remember how much she loved you." Harry actually smiled, "Remember that she brought you into this world, and I will be forever grateful to her for that." They kissed softly and Tom brushed the tears from Harry's eyes with his thumbs. He looked into those same eyes and for the first time in weeks saw a measure of peace in them, and the pure love that Harry had shown for him time and time again, "After my mother died," he went on, his voice still low and soothing, "All I could remember about her was how she died. I never saw it, but I could imagine it--the shots fired on her transport ship, the console exploding in her face. I wasn't even supposed to know what happened but even then I had my ways. But then someone told me the same thing I told you, that I should think of something good, a good memory, and cling to that instead. So I remembered one day when I was barely a toddler. She took me to a viewing lounge on the ship my father was serving on and held me up to the window. She said to me 'Someday you're going to go to the stars, Tommy. Not for me and not for your father, but because you'll love them as much as I do.' I've never forgotten that."
"I love you, Tom," whispered Harry, his body relaxing and his head sinking into the pillow next to Tom's.
"I love you too, Har," said Tom, "let's get some sleep, we have to be up in the morning remember." Harry let out a rueful groan and kissed Tom quickly before closing his eyes and snuggling closer, falling asleep in short order.
Harry and Tom reported for duty together a full five minutes before their shift was scheduled to start, immaculately groomed and professional looking. "Welcome back, Mr. Kim," said Captain Janeway, getting up and going over to him as he took his station. With a soft good-bye, Tom went on to take his place at the conn. "How are you feeling?" she asked.
He smiled at her, "Pretty good," he said, "very happy to be back on duty."
"I can see that," she commented, "well let me know if you have any problems. And I'm glad to have you back on duty as well." He flashed her another smile, one that made him look a lot more like his old self than he had in a while. That man lives for his duties, she mused as she returned to her own seat.
"Mr. Paris," she said, "Plot a course, heading 774 mark 41."
"Aye, Captain," he said automatically, his fingers dancing across the console and a bounce in his voice.
Janeway had to smile and she saw that Chakotay was doing the same. Tom's wisecracks didn't always rub everyone the right way, but they had been sorely missed, and would surely return with the return of Harry Kim to the bridge. He leaned over towards her, "Looks like everything's back to normal," he said in a low voice.
"I certainly hope so, Commander," she replied.
When the bridge crew broke for lunch, Harry was officially off duty, but he still joined them in the mess hall for a bite to eat. "You think B'Elanna's going to show?" asked Harry as he piled his plate with some pinkish stalks and a brown jelly-like substance.
"It's Tuesday," said Tom, looking at the food dubiously before picking up one of the stalks, "She has lunch with Chakotay on Tuesdays. Here, try this," he fed the stalk to Harry, "Is it edible?"
"It's pretty good," mumbled Harry, his mouth still full.
Tom wasn't convinced, "Look who I'm asking," he muttered, but took a couple of stalks anyways. He couldn't bring himself to take anything else, and led them to a table in the center of the room. "So how was your first day back?" That sounded lame
"Normal," said Harry with a bit of surprise, "Very normal. For some reason I was afraid it would be all different just because I had been away for a couple of weeks. But it isn't, it's the same as it always was."
"And how about you?"
"And I'm not the same, you know that. But it feels good to be back, Tom. It feels really good."
"I'm glad," he said with a smile, taking Harry's hand across the table. Harry smiled back and continued eating his lunch in companionable silence.
Tom couldn't stop looking at him--the way he sat, the way he smiled, the way his fingers occasionally tightened against his own. He felt so blessed to have someone like that who wanted to be with him, someone who he could really share himself with and someone who wasn't afraid to do the same. He hadn't been lying all the times he'd said he'd never experienced anything like this, but now it felt more real than ever. Maybe because they'd both been to hell and back, and they were still together as strongly as ever. Maybe because that's just the way it was meant to be.
Harry looked up again and stopped eating, putting his fork down to bring his fingers up to Tom's cheek and stroke it gently. He knew. He knew what Tom was thinking, because the same thoughts ran through his mind time and time again.
"Live with me," said Tom suddenly.
"Aren't we already?" said Harry with a wry grin.
"I mean seriously. Officially. We can talk to the Captain and get bigger quarters and then it would be..."
"Real," finished Harry, "And then it would be real. Permanent."
Tom smiled, "It already was. I just want a bigger bed."
Harry just laughed, "I should've known!" but then he became serious again, "Tom, there's nothing I want more than to be with you. There are a lot of things that still scare me, that still bother me, and I think there always will be. But I want you there, to be with me, to help me. And I'd help you too."
"I know, Har," said Tom, "I know it hasn't been easy, but we survived."
"That's a yes, Tom."
He smiled broadly, "I'll talk to the Captain this afternoon then. But you, once you finish eating I'm taking you home to bed." Then he thought about what he said and amended, "To sleep."
"Tom, I'm not an invalid," he protested with a groan.
"I don't care what you think, your body is still stressed--the doctor told me so--and if you take a nap this afternoon then we'll have that much more time together tonight."
"Well, that settles it then," said Harry, "but only when I'm finished eating." Which could be a while, thought Tom indulgently, but he sat there until he was done and then carried through on his promise to take him home. <><><><><> One week later...
"Captain," said Kim, "I'm picking up an M-class planet ahead, definite signs of a technologically advanced race."
"Mr. Paris?"
"Confirmed, Captain. Heading 254 mark 62."
"Set a course, Mr. Paris, let's go say hello." He gave her a quick grin and reset their course to intercept the planet. Still in a good mood, Captain? Bet I know why...
"Are you sure that's wise, Captain?" said Tuvok.
"We missed our last chance at shore leave, Mr. Tuvok, and they crew is getting a little restless. Passing up this opportunity could have a detrimental effect on crew morale, and negate any advantage to the time we would save. My decision is made."
"As you wish, Captain," he said and returned to studying his console.
Paris was still looking at her, and she gave him the signal to carry out her order. Shore leave was more desperately needed now than ever. Hopefully, this time, there would be no "incidents" to marr their relaxation. She sat back in her seat and briefly closed her eyes, then opened them to watch the stars go rushing by.